I wrote a post last night at the end of a strange sort of day. I was nearly in tears by dinner time, and everyone around me seemed seriously flawed, including myself. Our lives were in shambles--the temporary Census job was ending soon, there were ants in the dining room, weeds were taking over all our flower beds, both girls developed runny noses, and after a very long reprieve, my face was breaking out. The flood of negative, depressed feelings shocked me to the core.
Just a couple of days ago, I was full of smiles and strength. I was dancing to my Father, with all the joy of King David.
What was this about? I've been consistently in the Word and in prayer. Spiritual food abounds--so why this horrible spell? Why did I feel like my marriage needed serious revamping--starting with me needing to be more gentle and quiet?
In my desperate state, I wrote a post about marriage--my flawed marriage, with my flawed husband. The Internet went down in the middle of it. Then it came back up. I nursed my baby once, fell asleep for a while, then came back out to the computer and the Internet was down again. My husband came out to use the restroom and noticed me working late. I told him what happened, and asked him if he thought it meant I wasn't supposed to publish the post. "I doubt it means that, Honey. You're prone to over analyzing God's intentions."
So, I published it, after trying to add most of the content I had lost.
Many hours later, around lunch time, I was appalled at what I'd done. How dare I put such a post up on the Internet? Yikes! I was right all along. God was trying to dissuade me.
Next time I'll know the signs right away. If the Internet goes down, don't publish.
I deleted it in the afternoon. But it is still in feed readers. Drat.
I reflected again on why my emotions were in shambles.
Light bulb moment. I was experiencing this, for the first time in a couple years (a reprieve from pregnancy and nursing). It took me by surprise.
Yes, I need to be a better wife. But all is mostly good. After all, I'd killed the ants--even though my children objected to me killing one of God's creatures. My rule, I told them, is that if an ant enters my house, it's not protected.
After a while, my started speaking to me again. The ants were carpenter ants, which happen to be big and scary. They guessed it would be okay, since these ants can ruin roofs and walls and such.
I came across this series of posts on loving our husbands, and in the next week, I will get through all of them. I just need a Titus 2 influence in this area. There might be a woman at my church who can also help. She is the surrogate grandmother (for my kids) who helped get them to AWANA these last several weeks.
Just as suddenly as my emotions crashed, they regulated again tonight.
These roller-coaster emotions will affect me for six more years. And then?
I'll be considerably wrinkled, but I'll be calm.
Am I supposed to like that trade off, God?