let sorry and worry pass away, Momma!

It's been an utterly exhausting evening.  No particular reason, really.   Just witching-hour stuff that extended until bedtime.

90% of the time the dinner dishes must be left until all are in bed.  I stagger bedtimes--three of them--to enjoy special time with each girl, and then the boys together.  I don't mind dishes, generally.  But I dread post-bedtime dishes! After caring for little ones by myself for fourteen straight hours, energy no longer flows from me.  Someday, perhaps husband will be home in the evenings to start baths while I clean the kitchen early evening.

Nothing grows you like solo parenting.  A few minutes here, an hour there, is all we get of Daddy.  Such is the life of the "working poor".  Busy, busy, busy, with no forward motion.  Quite maddening.  My husband is feeling the stress keenly.  The working poor--often scrambling in several different jobs--is a fast growing segment of society, thanks to the recession.  Many people were unable to obtain comparable income, after losing their jobs initially.  Some were in fields that outsourced or automated (like administrative secretaries).  

Anyhow, if you know a single mom, ask her if you can watch the kids for a couple hours?

Time to count some blessings so I can spring right up and dash to the kitchen joyfully--cleaning and wiping away.  The simple act of surveying the day, looking for bright spots, is an act of worship.  However downcast you were, all sorrow and worry will pass away, as your list builds.  You melt knowing that, yes, God is there.  Still.  Sovereign and Almighty.  Detail-oriented expert, blessing you in the moments.

Notice.  Notice and give thanks.

My Blessing List

- During dinner I always ask about their favorite parts of the day.  Peter said, readily, "My favorite part was writing the letter to my new pen pal."  A blog reader and I hooked up our kids and today we got our first pen pal letter in the mail.  Oh my, were they blessed--particularly Peter!  The same-age pen pal wrote that she liked bugs and animal science.  After Peter read that, he grinned up at me, "Mommy!  Jesus keeps blessing me with people who like bugs!"  I choked up at that, and could only give him a hug in reply.  Dear Friend, thank you for having your daughter write that precious letter!

- Finding some long-lost mittens and hats, the children tried them on. Imaginations sparked, leading to bandit and sheriff play.  Laughter filled the halls, the bedrooms, as they looked for black clothes.  These moments of imaginative play make me want to stop time--to freeze frame the raucous sounds and sights of sibling delight.  (Okay, it can does give me a headache, but I still appreciate it.)

- The view outside.  Half-naked trees....leaves blanketing lawn.  Wind gusts and leaf showers remind.  Winter's new set of tree clothes--snow white--arrives soon.  Praise God for four sets of tree clothes--all uniquely beautiful!

- Homemade applesauce

- Comfort-food aromas

- Freshly-vacuumed carpet

- Children who notice nature.  Our resident squirrels are mighty busy right now.  "They're getting ready for winter, Mommy".  Acorns were gathered at a park yesterday, then thrown around our yard for the squirrels.  Let's see what happens to those the squirrels don't find, shall we?

- A boy of six who hugs Mommy after she apologizes for harshness. "I know you sometimes have a hard time, Mommy.  I love you."

- Sitting on the couch this morning with the children, as they practiced their Christmas Pageant songs.  The songs are beautiful, teaching well about the true meaning of Christmas.

Peter said as we were finishing up, "Christmas is so much more than the decorations, isn't it, Mommy?"

It's one thing to preach this, but kids love their glitter and glitz, don't they?  Even though my boys have solid relationships with Jesus Christ, they've never really comprehended the true meaning of Christmas.  I sense that through this Christmas Pageant story ("Miracle on Main Street"), that will change.  We're practicing their parts and all the songs for our morning devotions, through mid-December.

Every year they've asked for a well-decorated house and every year we can't afford it.  Perhaps they won't even ask this year!  Remind me to give the Children's Director a big hug for her pageant-curriculum choice!  Perfect timing for our family.


1 Thessalonians 5:18
..give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

And It's No Thanks to Us

Can you name any little sins or weaknesses you've made progress on in the last year?  I mean to the extent that you no longer consider them problems?  

Does the Christian walk seem futile sometimes?  I mean, sure, we have these Christian words we use--like grace, mercy, humility, brokenness--but are we really any different than the average Joe?  

Are we set apart from the crowd--evidenced by our inner joy and peace?

I'm not sure how this miracle works, but the answer is emphatically, YES! We are different. Even on our worst, most downcast days, we look blessed to Someone--a someone who is quietly noticing us.  We never know who or when or where or why, usually.

We don't need to know.

And who has set Someone's (meaning any person's) gaze upon us?  The Lord!  They see in us only what God wants them to see.  We are merely instruments in God's plan.

And it's no thanks to us.

The more I live this Christian life, the more I realize my will is nothing--accomplishes nothing.  It can hurt, but it can never help.

I used to dislike cooking.  There weren't many things I could make well, partially because I was afraid of high-flavor foods (for their fat and salt content).  I've always been an eat-to-live person.  Food only interested me in restaurants. Indeed, I'd get lost in a book and forget to eat, back in my single days.

And another thing.  I had the hardest time remembering to thaw something for dinner.  It was amazing how many consecutive days this would happen to me--forcing me to thaw something at the last minute in the microwave, which sometimes ruined the meat.

But no more.  I'm a decent cook now.  And guess what else?  I love to cook! I actually love to cook.  And "what's for dinner" is always on my radar--no more microwave thawing.

Tonight, as I was making two batches of potato soup, I marveled at the change in me.  I now view cooking as a gift to my family.  No, not a chore.  A gift, happily given.  A fun thing to do, even--minus the toddler's interruptions.

And here is the miracle.

 I don't recall saying to myself, "It's a shame I can't cook well.  I really need to improve in this area, for these reasons--blah, blah, blah."

No, I never had such a conversation with my head or heart.

My point in all this?

IT WAS GOD!  He wanted me to become a good cook--one who blesses willingly and lovingly.

I don't know why, or even why now.  Why isn't important.  The lesson is that positive change comes from God, not of ourselves.  And it comes in His timing, for his purposes.  His "to-do" list for our hearts and lives may not match ours.  As I said, I wasn't berating myself for being a mediocre or poor cook.

Now, the volume of unfolded clothes on the sofa?  I berate myself often for that.

This whole, now-I-can-cook topic probably seems like a small thing here on this screen, as though it was even silly to write about.

But I know how big this change is, from yesteryear.  Only tonight in my soup making did it really hit home.

I'm a different person.  Unrecognizable even, in some respects.

Friends, be joyful.  God is working on you in ways you can't even imagine--for his purposes--and you don't need to worry about the details.  Your will, your plans, however lofty...they are nothing.

When God needs me to keep up with the clean-laundry folding, I will suddenly start doing it.  Easily.  Joyfully.  (Right now, I must confess, I hate it.)

It gives me such peace, knowing that I'm God's piece of work.  Not my own. The blueprints are none of my business, really.

So, what does God want me to do then?  What is my role, if it isn't to improve myself?

To fellowship with Him.  Give Him the glory.  Live joyfully, with a peaceful, grateful heart.  Be as a child without burden.

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

"... for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."  Philippians 2:13

what binds women friends?

We had a playdate with a new homeschooling family this week.

I liked Kathleen, the mother, and her two girls (her older boys stayed at home).  She has one biological child and three adopted children, two of whom came from Guatemala three years ago.  Her children range in age from 6 to 14.  She is 48 and her husband is 54.  I am 44 and my husband is 52.  

A rare picture of our full family, minus Daddy.

Kathleen lives in a neighborhood where the average income is probably $400,000/year.  My neighborhood's average is roughly $45,000/yr.  

Kathleen sends her kids to an exclusive school twice a week, for $8,000/yr total.  I struggle to buy 3rd grade lined writing paper.

She is wife to a doctor.  I am wife to a custodian.

She has stylish clothes and a great haircut.  My hair is four months behind on a trim and I wear thrift-store clothes.

The differences are many.  Striking.

But they didn't matter.

What could we have possibly had in common?  And how did we manage to understand each other?

We are both mothers, struggling with our own sin as we strive to love, encourage and teach our children.  We both imperfectly, but passionately, love the Savior.  We both imperfectly, but passionately, love our children.

Motherhood and the Savior.  What better to bind new friends?

Kathleen and her husband have their home up for sale.  They are downsizing and paying off all debt, and ending frivolous spending.  All this was from the Lord.  They are also overseeing the building of a children's home in Guatemala.

It's one thing to downsize because you lost your job, but quite another to do it voluntarily, when you already use every inch of your home.  I admire their obedience so much!  Goodbye materialism!

The children are looking for a good place to let some salamanders go.  Peter found them last weekend and observed/enjoyed them at home for four days.  This was the appointed day to let them go.  The new friends, two girls ages 6 and 9, were thrilled with Peter's salamanders.  Their mom, on the other hand, was not.  Not  a creepy crawly kind of gal.  :)

Praise God for the way new friends cross our paths!  Amazing, isn't it?  I sent out Ann Voskamp's posts about Guatemala to my homeschool group, and Kathleen (who is on the e-mail list) sent an e-mail introducing herself to me, and asking if we wanted to get together.

Psalm 119:63  I am a friend to all who fear you, to all who follow your precepts.

The task-oriented mother - do her children feel loved?

Motherhood.

It's a beautiful word....a beautiful state of being, isn't it?  Such a privilege.

Much of the intensity is over in eighteen to twenty short years.  That's really short, when you consider that most people survive well into their seventies. The majority of our earthly years do not include having children under our roof.

That fact should make me feel an ounce of relief, given the current state of:

- my living room (four loads of clothes to fold)  

- my kitchen (baked chicken/mashed sweet potato dinner dishes to do, and double chocolate chip baking paraphernalia to clean. I baked for the church children's director's family).

- my dining room floor (grass/mud tracked in from back door today, crumbs from about five meals, sticky unknown substances under the table from the last two meals)

- my bathrooms (both floors need moping, mirrors need windexing)

- the playroom (massive amount of large Legos were dumped before bed, train track pieces and books are also all over, courtesy of my sweet toddler.)

Too, I should feel relief at the thought of having leisure time for reading--something from which I derive much pleasure.  And leisure time for creating a beautiful, soothing flower garden.

But somehow the thought of these future pleasures--reading, gardening, gourmet cooking, having a clean house--give me no relief.  Not even an ounce.

Nothing will ever be as special--or as pleasurable--as what I'm doing right now.  Mothering.  These are the best years, months, days, hours, and moments, of my life.

When you're pregnant with your first child, or about to adopt your first, no one tells you about:

- the joy of having a sleepy little person come down the hall at 7:00 a.m., ready for some good-morning lovin'

- the joy of having a squeaky-clean little one in your lap for night time stories

- the joy of having a toddler/preschooler talk your ear off during potty time

- the joy of seeing your big-little boy settle down with a beloved book several times a day

- the joy of hearing giggles in the playroom while you cook, squeals and laughter in the yard while you hang clothes, friendly sibling whispers in the bedroom after tuck in

- the joy of watching your beloved husband hug your little toddler, his eyes tearing up

- the joy of being the absolute favorite person of four little people

- the joy of nourishing a sweet baby/toddler at your breast

I can make this list much longer, but the words still won't adequately express the heart-joy that is motherhood.

I want so much to convey to my children, every day, how much I love being their mommy.  How much they color my world happy, meaningful, growth-rich.

And yet.

Oh, yes, there is a painful yet.

I am, by nature, task-oriented.  Understand, I don't want to be.  I don't choose it.

Do you know someone like that--someone task oriented?  They give you the busy-bee impression, without meaning to. You can feel it as you stand next to them or talk with them on the phone.  They rush through life, moving from task to task, crossing off their to-do list.

I have one aunt here in Ohio with whom I can sit on the couch, feeling as though she has all the time in the world to spend with me...with my family.   She's completely engaged, in tune with the people--always the people.

I have another aunt here who is just as nice, but when I sit on the couch with her, I have the impression she's about to get up to attend to something. She's completely preoccupied, although she's still polite enough to make eye contact.

Both are lovely, genuinely nice ladies.

But guess which one I want to be like?  Which one do you want to be like?

In order to convey to our children that we love being their mommies...to convey that everything they think, feel, and do is important to us, we have to fight our first nature--that task-oriented nature.  (If you don't have a task-oriented nature, you're a fortunate mommy!)  I don't mean we have to follow our children around all day, hanging on their every word and forgetting all housekeeping.  But we do have to give the impression of the first aunt I described--the people-oriented one.

For most of us with more than one child, that means learning to live with a disheveled house.  A less than clean one.  Forget about what that neighbor thinks, the one who happened to see it at its worst.  Does her opinion count?  And why should it?  Is she part of our legacy?  Is the shape of our house part of our legacy, really?

Years from now, it won't matter that we merely felt our children were our greatest joy.

We have to convey it, too.

into his courts with praise

My gratitude list:

- my two boys reciting AWANA verses with joy and precision

- my two boys learning how to really study

- Hinds' Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard, adapted for children by Dian Layton.  This is the best children's devotional I've seen.  My boys are hanging on every word.

- The True Tale of Johnny Appleseed, by Margaret Hodges.  What a gem!  It highlights John Chapman's Christianity (Chapman was Johnny's real last name).

- motherhood

- when Mary says "Read it again!"

- my sweet toddler, cupping my face in her hands in the wee hours, telling me she wants to "Nur!" (nurse).  What a joy she is to me!  What a joy nursing is!

- two boys with passionate interests...passionate hearts

- my local librarian

- having all my meals with my children, who are my favorite companions, along with their Daddy

- homeschooling

- good literature

- motherhood

- double chocolate chip cookies 

- hearty homemade soup for lunch

- bedtime stories (my favorite time of the day)

- peeking out the window at four beautiful children (mine, no less!), laughing and playing in our yard

- my oldest boy, raking up and bagging leaves like a champ

- motherhood

- my Mary, who is an intriguing mix of sweetness and independence

- my Beth trying to get in the middle of every hug I give to her siblings

- sisterly love

- motherhood

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us,
and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting;
and his truth endureth to all generations.
Psalms 100:1-5