Married With Children: A Healthy Marriage Bed, Part 2

1 Corinthians 7:3-4
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 

Scripture teaches that once married, we do not have authority over our own bodies--our spouse does. That means we come together when at least one spouse has the desire. That would seem to indicate spontaneity? 

However, when children come spontaneity flies out the window unless you employ maids, nannies, and shoppers. A mother's nurturing instincts coupled with a child's biological needs, would indicate not spontaneity, but planning. Parents can nurture children, day and night, and enjoy one another in the bedroom. They're not mutually exclusive. You may find it works best to schedule your lovemaking days.

Forgive me for a little diversion here regarding the night nurturing of children. 


We enjoy nurturing our children at night starting with story time, then as we tuck them in we spend time cuddling, praying, talking about their day, dealing with any sin (ours or theirs), praising their hard work, and generally sending them off to slumber with their cups running over. Some days can be so busy that cups fail to get sufficiently filled. As a result, the next day can go sour. Spending a little one-on-one time before bed, or another time of day, prevents a lot of family-dynamics problems.

When families grow it can be harder to give babies and toddlers the amount of cuddling and individual attention they need. As I've mentioned before, when discussing what God desires for our marriages and families, we have to look at Scripture together with the divine design of our bodies. 


Research seems to imply that babies and children need parents who respond and nurture during the day and at night. You may hear that if you don't let your children "cry it out", your marriage will suffer. It's often the number one argument against attachment parenting styles. As a long-time night-nursing parent, and one who is there for my children at night, be it bad dreams, stuffy noses, pain, bedwetting, etc., I disagree. My husband appreciates my commitment to nurturing and he'd have it no other way. His support is key.

Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine has demonstrated that the stress hormone cortisol (which floods the brain during intense crying and other stressful events) actually destroys nerve connections in critical portions of an infant’s developing brain. In addition, when the portions of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional control are not stimulated during infancy (as may occur when a baby is repeatedly neglected) these sections of the brain will not develop. The result – a violent, impulsive, emotionally unattached child. He concludes that the sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates and shapes the nerve connections in key sections of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional well-being.

 Researchers at Yale University and Harvard Medical School found that intense stress early in life can alter the brain’s neurotransmitter systems and cause structural and functional changes in regions of the brain similar to those seen in adults with depression

 Decreased intellectual, emotional, and social developmentInfant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”
Researchers have found babies whose cries are usually ignored will not develop healthy intellectual and social skills. 19

Dr. Rao and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health showed that infants with prolonged crying (but not due to colic) in the first 3 months of life had an average IQ 9 points lower at 5 years of age. They also showed poor fine motor development. (2)

Researchers at Pennsylvania State and Arizona State Universities found that infants with excessive crying during the early months showed more difficulty controlling their emotions and became even fussier when parents tried to consol them at 10 months. 15

Other research has shown that these babies have a more annoying quality to their cry, are more clingy during the day, and take longer to become independent as children 1.

source

Most of the world keeps babies and toddlers close for some time, thanks to the use of slings and close sleeping. Studies show that this closeness benefits children, possibly best approaching what God desires for a child's development. 

Many Americans parent far differently; there's formidable pressure--especially from older folk like mothers and mother-in-laws--to force a child into independence. Strong feelings abound about these issues and I have no desire to engage in mommy wars. Instead, I just wanted to present research that might give us some clue as to God's desires. For the sake of other readers, feel free to leave opposing research links in the comments. All moms give these issues countless hours of consideration and I don't seek to change anyone's carefully crafted views.

Moms who have high sleep needs often have to make tough decisions. The same is true for working moms or those with other difficult circumstances. Husbands and wives don't always agree on parenting issues; if your husband has different ideas, abide by his wishes and pray for a change of heart? My heart goes out to you.

Every family's needs differ--just don't assume you have to shortcut your children to satisfy your husband. 

If you decide that scheduling lovemaking is a good idea, start preparing for lovemaking days first thing in the morning: 

Prepare your mind and heart: Get your mind ready to be one with your husband that night--recall your favorite passionate memories from special times of old. Perhaps read from the Song of Solomon. Anticipate the passion, knowing that no matter how tired you are, once you're in his arms, it will be breathtaking. If there's anything to forgive him for, do it early in the day. Pray for help with this if you need it. 

Prepare your children: Plan for dinner, baths, and nighttime nurturing by starting everything early on these days. Can you bath them before you start dinner? Can you read a number of stories after the bath, and save just one for before bed, along with prayers and a bit of cuddling--or whatever your routine? By planning ahead we've never once been interrupted by our children, in all these years. Babies have cried and needed soothing right before, or right after, but never during. God has been faithful to preserve this time, and allow us to be responsive parents.

Don't be selfish with your time: Many moms have an outlet that potentially steals time, be it reading, writing, sewing, social networking, etc. Strictly control your interests on lovemaking days. If chores get behind on these days, it will give rise to crankiness, leading to the same in the children. They feed off of our emotions. Be as efficient as possible on lovemaking days. Avoid scheduling shopping or multiple errands on these days so your energy remains high.  

A word about the quality of lovemaking: If it's still early in your marriage and you don't know each other well yet physically, try discussing technique out of the bedroom, if this works better. Society leads us to believe that lovemaking happens naturally and that fireworks explode on that wedding night, as though you've known each other for years. The truth is that a honeymoon can be awkward. We don't know our spouse's body, or even what our own may need. 

We would do well to prepare our children for this, just before their own honeymoons. The anticipation of that night can lead to disappointment if they expect their best lovemaking right away.  

Without communication honeymoon awkwardness can continue, causing trouble in the bedroom. Your husband wants you to feel unbridled passion. Discuss what you need even though it may be uncomfortable. In the long run, meeting your needs is what blesses him most. 

Nursing is another God-designed activity that doesn't happen naturally. Like lovemaking, it takes time and patience and self-sacrifice, and in the end, the process blesses and matures us in and of itself. 

Pray for your love life, that it will be all that God designed. 

Later as changes happen, either because of illnesses or surgeries or childbirth, continue praying, knowing that God will never forsake you! Give this area over to Him, just as you would every other area of your life.

photo credit

Married With Children: A Healthy Marriage Bed

In presenting material about marriage, or any other Christian topic, it's important to contemplate both God's Word, and his design of our bodies and minds. Looking at all the clues, what is God's desire for marriage?


The next question is, how closely are we adhering to His design, and lastly, how can we honor Him more in this area?


This article lists a number of Scriptures pertaining to marriage, though we won't discuss all of them today.  Today's topic will focus primarily on the marriage bed.


Western culture presents a battleground for any Christian, especially in the area of purity. Immodest clothing alone causes many a men to give up on holiness. They're not even free from the visual battle on a Sunday morning in church, thanks to the tight and baring styles teens and young women covet. Even among the Christian population, defiled marriage beds are the rule, not the exception, when you consider the wandering eye and mind. Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


A married couple should frequently check in with one another concerning purity, especially after children come along and intimacy becomes less frequent. Though difficult, this topic cannot be ignored. Naivete, like secrecy, invites trouble.


God designed a husband's passion to center around the visual, while a wife's passion centers more around her feelings--feeling safe and unconditionally loved in a committed marital relationship. Husbands might have more of a purity battle in the confines of marriage, but both spouses, especially when working outside the home, must take care to avoid emotional bonds with the opposite sex. These bonds are always a mistake. They defile the marriage by dishonoring the emotional bond it represents, eventually leading to ingratitude and infidelity.


When children go through especially needy periods, such as the baby, toddler, preschool, and teen years, it's harder to remain emotionally bonded to a spouse. There may be more opportunity to talk to the woman or man at work, then to one's spouse. Avoid alone time with the opposite sex at work or church, and when that's not possible, keep the doors ajar. We must guard our hearts and minds and our eyes.


Remember that God always provides a way out of temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


I can't emphasize enough that communication becomes especially important after children come and distractions abound. A naive husband or wife is dangerous. Understand the pitfalls in order to avoid them. 


What's also dangerous is a spouse with a low standard of holiness. Husbands can come to believe that since all men look at attractive women, it's okay. It's normal and healthy--part of being a man, in fact. Check in with your spouse's heart in this area. What is his standard for holiness? Is it a biblical standard?


An important question to be asked is this: Has he learned to automatically avert his eyes from another woman's body? If he hasn't, he could be comparing his wife's body--specifically, her post-baby body--with what his eyes feast on daily. When God blesses a couple with children, great joy results. But there are sorrowful things as well: post-baby bodies can be less visually appealing. A mature Christian man expects this and takes it in stride, feeling grateful for his wife's amazing body. Malachi 2:15 Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.



Learning to bounce the eyes is one tactic holy men use to keep their hearts and marriage beds pure. Kristen Welch's husband, addicted to pornography for years, used this tactic to gain freedom.  I urge you to read this link. No man is immune until he develops fighting tactics. Sadly, most affected men began their addiction in the middle school years.


We are more likely to be satisfied with what God has given us, if we avoid comparison. And as always, counting our blessings keeps our hearts thankful. 


Women are not immune to focusing on the physical. An acquaintance of ours recently revealed, concerning his failed marriage:

"We haven't had relations in a year and a half because she said I was too fat and she couldn't stand to look at me."

Sadly, it was a Christian woman who uttered this grievous insult...to her non-Christian husband.


While it's always a good idea to care for our bodies, which are temples of the Holy Spirit, weight control is harder for some people, and harder for all of us after age forty. Our genes determine, to some extent, how quickly we gain weight and how easily we lose it. Stress and a busy lifestyle contribute to weigh issues. 


When a spouse is confronted about weight control, that only adds stress, which makes the battle even harder. The best approach is to be thankful for all of our spouse's good points, and then to pray that both spousal bodies remain as healthy as possible. Loving one another unconditionally contributes to physical and emotional health--there's no question about that.


Scripture teaches not to deny one another "except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." Scripture also teaches that men must "live with your wives in an understanding way." Something between these two Scriptures is what God desires for the frequency of marital relations. If a wife nurses a baby every two hours for weeks, or nurses the entire family back to health after a nasty illness, her husband should look upon her with compassion, allowing her time to recover before approaching her for relations.


God designed a woman's body such that breaks in marital intimacy are inevitable. After childbirth, during menses (depending on the couple's preferences), and during morning sickness, are just a few examples. 


During the first eight to ten months of nursing, a woman's secretions dry up, causing pain during relations. The presence of pain, possibly designed to make relations less frequent, coupled with the dryness which prevents a man's seed from traveling easily up her body, make it more likely that babies come with a healthy spacing. A woman's body needs to fully recover before carrying another baby. God designed us so that our developing baby's health, and our own health, are maximized. Nursing and childbearing are integral parts of that divine design: women who are fruitful, and those who nurse, are less likely to get female cancers.


Though a man should dwell compassionately with his wife, understanding her body and her emotions, a woman must communicate with her husband about his needs. If he's already struggling in the area of marital purity, the wife should give of herself sacrificially, despite her exhaustion or the presence of pain. 


How overwhelmed moms can hope to meet this expectation is a topic for another day. This post is Part 1.


The key ingredients for a healthy marriage bed are holiness, communication, compassion, and sacrificial love.


Hebrews 13:4
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.


Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.


1 Corinthians 7:1-40
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ...


1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;


Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.


Matthew 5:28
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.


Genesis 1:26-28
Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals,and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 


So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” 

photo credit

Nourishment

"Even though we've never been together, and may not be until heaven, you feel like family. We love you."

How my heart needed these words!

A missionary couple came to visit us today. They'd just visited a supporting church in Indianapolis and were on their way to Liberty. 

Such nourishing, dear people. I miss them terribly already.

I'd been corresponding via e-mail with the wife. She's been a short-lived, but lovely Titus 2 influence in my life. I'd never met her before today, but my husband knew her while in his teens. My husband's father, Luther, worked for her grandfather as a farm hand in PA while in high school. He was given room and board and treated as part of the family. 


Luther's own mother and his sister were mentally disabled. He left home in his teens, to work and live with this family and be closer to the high school. His disabled mother never forgave him and there was no further contact with her. Sad. So sad were my husband's beginnings.


Though a Christian, Luther doesn't know how to love. Any real love and nurturing he'd received was too short-lived. Somehow, his relationship with the Lord didn't penetrate his heart deeply enough, perhaps due to his own stubbornness.


All this makes my husband's heart a miracle. He loves so deeply. So genuinely. He lost his mother at age sixteen, but in those sixteen years, her heart taught him much.


The missionary couple are in their mid-sixties. They've been working in Brazil for 38 years and they love it, though recently they spent a year in the States caring for aging parents. Now a brother takes that over and our friends return to Brazil next month.


I have weekly e-mail contact with my mother, and less often with my sister and brother, but since all my family are non-Christians, except for my father's sister here, there's a hole in my life. My husband and I cling even tighter to each other because of the support holes in our lives, and that's a blessing. Leaving and cleaving proves quite easy when the emotional ties to family are weak to begin with.


But the holes still hurt. Every holiday is spent alone; just the six of us, which tugs at all of our hearts. My aunts here have their own families to accommodate in their small homes on holidays. One spends the winter in Florida. 


My friend's words nourished. I will remember them long. She won't have e-mail in Brazil, but I'll put pen to paper and stay in contact, hoping we can bless them in some way. The kids will love corresponding with them, too. Having real missionaries in their home today ticked them so much. 


"Even though we've never been together, and may never be, except in heaven, you're like our family. We love you."


Each time my children lament about not having family around, I remind them that when they grow up, they'll have three sibling families to share holidays with--families with the same values and love for Him.


Praise God for that! Warms my heart just thinking about the blessed holidays and gatherings they'll enjoy. I pray that life closely knits their hearts and miles don't separate them.

Married With Children

She appeared at church, alone.


"Jack and I are separated," she offered. "I'm living at my mother's."


Three years ago they planned their wedding. Betrothed to a non-Christian, the bride hoped their romance would be just the thing. The impetus to push him toward church, and to the Lord. Their first major argument occurred at their wedding reception.


They just spent a year and a half renovating a fixer-upper. She picked white carpet. He wanted beige. She's at her mom's. He's at the house with the white carpet. He thinks she loves her dog more than him. Maybe she does. She thinks he complains too much.


Maybe your own marriage isn't as troubled as theirs. Maybe you haven't spent a single night at your mother's house. Maybe you're equally yoked.


But still, a thought will come to you sometime during marriage: "He isn't who I thought he was." 


It may take seven years for this to surface, or seven days, but surface it will. Maybe children will bring it out, or a crisis. He will disappoint you; and you, him.


What's next then? Do you spend the balance of your days in misery? Or do you cut your losses and move on?


Stay put, the Lord says. Forget about who you thought you married, and love the person in front of you, stinky socks, morning breath and all.


But I want to be in love! I don't want just a roommate. Is obedience to God worth it? Living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life, while everyone else is happy? Isn't he a forgiving God? Can't he forgive me for divorcing, so that I can remarry? I won't make this mistake again!


The world is full of lonely people, Christians included, who just couldn't bring themselves to live the gospel.


Marriage exists, in part, to grow us in Him. It's about agape love mostly; eros love less so. Eros refers to romantic love, philia to brotherly love, and agape to sacrificial love...His Cross love.


It's been twelve years since I uttered it shy: "I do." Some days I look at him proud, certain he's the best man alive. Other days I lie next to him and feel nothing. Rarer, I even hate him. I believe all these emotions exist in healthy marriages.


When the children come and time alone is once a year or less, the marriage is especially vulnerable. Husbands want more intimate nights and wives just want to sleep through the night. She may understand her husband's needs, but she feels overwhelmed at all the obligations, intimacy included, in addition to mountains of laundry, endless cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, nursing everyone back to health, and managing paperwork. 


It's only Tuesday. Johnny made Sally cry twice before lunch. In the throes of potty training, Sally peed on the floor and the living-room carpet. Johnny wet his bed four times this week, causing all other laundry to pile up. James can't write his name like all the other kids in preschool. What's wrong with him? The bank account's overdrawn because when the whole family had the flu last week, no deposits were made. The baby still nurses every three hours at night, though she's ten months old. Sally turned on the outside water faucet and no one knew. The water bill rose $100. Momma signed up to help in the nursery and then missed church for three Sundays because someone was sick or another crisis arose and she couldn't get in the shower in time--she could only get everyone else ready. None of these Sundays were her's to work, but what will they think of her?


The husband says on Tuesday night, "Can we be together tomorrow night?" Tomorrow night comes. James throws up twice by midnight and has a fever.


The husband says on Friday, "Can we be together tomorrow night?" Tomorrow night comes. A friend calls to say he's getting a divorce. Husband talks to him for two hours. The wife falls asleep and then at 11:00 PM, she gets up to change another wet bed.


The husband, off the phone now, makes advances. Frustrated by all the bed wetting and night wake-ups, she's not in the mood. He gets mad. She feels guilty and has insomnia.


Intimacy feels wonderful, but getting there is a battle for the overwhelmed mother.


When the husband has some time off to observe the chaos that can be child-rearing, his empathy for his wife increases. But vacations end. Time lapses and he forgets. When intimacy is the last thing on her mind at night, his heart grows resentful, or at the very least, sorrowful.


Without regular intimacy, including talking, misunderstandings pile up. A couple can lose touch, while not wanting or meaning to.


How does a couple survive the child-rearing years? That's the question. 


Happy Valentine's Day, by the way! If you're like us you'll be blessed to have one date in the next year. Valentine's Day becomes just another day, save for chocolates and fun for the kids. But don't despair. This season will pass all too quickly. Before you know it, you'll entwine in a romantic booth once again.


I plan to do a couple posts on marriage this month. But understand: We don't all have the same circumstances. These posts may be irrelevant to you and yours. I read a post from Ann Voskamp this week about marriage, and though I thought it splendid, I couldn't relate. Husband and I have never felt insecure in our marriage. We never wonder if we're loved enough. Each couple's background and challenges are unique; one size doesn't fit all, save for Biblical mandates on love, respect, and submission.


Jennifer Dukes Lee, an Editor for The High Calling, put together a linky on marriage this month. Highlights will be published on The High Calling on February 15th. Here is Ann Voskamp's marriage piece, published at incourage. Perhaps something on these sites will resonate with you and your marriage.


My advice on this Valentine's Day? Read a few chapters from the Song Of Solomon today. Your passion will bless him more than anything else.


photo credit

Cherish His Word

JOHN 14:23-24 Rieu
23 Jesus replied: 'If anyone loves me he will cherish my word; my Father will love him and we will come to him and make him our abode.
24 He that does not love me neglects my words. Yet the word you hear is not my own but that of the Father who sent me.scripture source

John 14:23-24 NKJ
23 Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. 24 He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father’s who sent Me.

scripture source

Do you love God? Show Him. Cherish His Word. Open your Bible today, friend. Only the enemy is standing in your way.

photo credit