Married With Children

She appeared at church, alone.


"Jack and I are separated," she offered. "I'm living at my mother's."


Three years ago they planned their wedding. Betrothed to a non-Christian, the bride hoped their romance would be just the thing. The impetus to push him toward church, and to the Lord. Their first major argument occurred at their wedding reception.


They just spent a year and a half renovating a fixer-upper. She picked white carpet. He wanted beige. She's at her mom's. He's at the house with the white carpet. He thinks she loves her dog more than him. Maybe she does. She thinks he complains too much.


Maybe your own marriage isn't as troubled as theirs. Maybe you haven't spent a single night at your mother's house. Maybe you're equally yoked.


But still, a thought will come to you sometime during marriage: "He isn't who I thought he was." 


It may take seven years for this to surface, or seven days, but surface it will. Maybe children will bring it out, or a crisis. He will disappoint you; and you, him.


What's next then? Do you spend the balance of your days in misery? Or do you cut your losses and move on?


Stay put, the Lord says. Forget about who you thought you married, and love the person in front of you, stinky socks, morning breath and all.


But I want to be in love! I don't want just a roommate. Is obedience to God worth it? Living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life, while everyone else is happy? Isn't he a forgiving God? Can't he forgive me for divorcing, so that I can remarry? I won't make this mistake again!


The world is full of lonely people, Christians included, who just couldn't bring themselves to live the gospel.


Marriage exists, in part, to grow us in Him. It's about agape love mostly; eros love less so. Eros refers to romantic love, philia to brotherly love, and agape to sacrificial love...His Cross love.


It's been twelve years since I uttered it shy: "I do." Some days I look at him proud, certain he's the best man alive. Other days I lie next to him and feel nothing. Rarer, I even hate him. I believe all these emotions exist in healthy marriages.


When the children come and time alone is once a year or less, the marriage is especially vulnerable. Husbands want more intimate nights and wives just want to sleep through the night. She may understand her husband's needs, but she feels overwhelmed at all the obligations, intimacy included, in addition to mountains of laundry, endless cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, nursing everyone back to health, and managing paperwork. 


It's only Tuesday. Johnny made Sally cry twice before lunch. In the throes of potty training, Sally peed on the floor and the living-room carpet. Johnny wet his bed four times this week, causing all other laundry to pile up. James can't write his name like all the other kids in preschool. What's wrong with him? The bank account's overdrawn because when the whole family had the flu last week, no deposits were made. The baby still nurses every three hours at night, though she's ten months old. Sally turned on the outside water faucet and no one knew. The water bill rose $100. Momma signed up to help in the nursery and then missed church for three Sundays because someone was sick or another crisis arose and she couldn't get in the shower in time--she could only get everyone else ready. None of these Sundays were her's to work, but what will they think of her?


The husband says on Tuesday night, "Can we be together tomorrow night?" Tomorrow night comes. James throws up twice by midnight and has a fever.


The husband says on Friday, "Can we be together tomorrow night?" Tomorrow night comes. A friend calls to say he's getting a divorce. Husband talks to him for two hours. The wife falls asleep and then at 11:00 PM, she gets up to change another wet bed.


The husband, off the phone now, makes advances. Frustrated by all the bed wetting and night wake-ups, she's not in the mood. He gets mad. She feels guilty and has insomnia.


Intimacy feels wonderful, but getting there is a battle for the overwhelmed mother.


When the husband has some time off to observe the chaos that can be child-rearing, his empathy for his wife increases. But vacations end. Time lapses and he forgets. When intimacy is the last thing on her mind at night, his heart grows resentful, or at the very least, sorrowful.


Without regular intimacy, including talking, misunderstandings pile up. A couple can lose touch, while not wanting or meaning to.


How does a couple survive the child-rearing years? That's the question. 


Happy Valentine's Day, by the way! If you're like us you'll be blessed to have one date in the next year. Valentine's Day becomes just another day, save for chocolates and fun for the kids. But don't despair. This season will pass all too quickly. Before you know it, you'll entwine in a romantic booth once again.


I plan to do a couple posts on marriage this month. But understand: We don't all have the same circumstances. These posts may be irrelevant to you and yours. I read a post from Ann Voskamp this week about marriage, and though I thought it splendid, I couldn't relate. Husband and I have never felt insecure in our marriage. We never wonder if we're loved enough. Each couple's background and challenges are unique; one size doesn't fit all, save for Biblical mandates on love, respect, and submission.


Jennifer Dukes Lee, an Editor for The High Calling, put together a linky on marriage this month. Highlights will be published on The High Calling on February 15th. Here is Ann Voskamp's marriage piece, published at incourage. Perhaps something on these sites will resonate with you and your marriage.


My advice on this Valentine's Day? Read a few chapters from the Song Of Solomon today. Your passion will bless him more than anything else.


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