Tough Love is Hard

Some of you know we don't really have any family here in Ohio, except a couple of aunts who for the most part have their own lives and big families with grandchildren to care for. We seldom see them on holidays or any other time, really, except for a couple intimate dinners a year and a yard party or two in the summer.

So, for holidays we invite two people, who happen to be single. One is an elderly lady who walks extensively in this neighborhood and befriended my girls to start, due to them being out in the yard so much when Mary walked.

The other is a single guy my husband knew from California (I met my husband through the church singles group). Dean and my husband were roommates and they often invited the whole singles group over to their house for fellowship. Dean married after we moved to Ohio, and subsequently divorced, and we only got in touch with him about three or four years ago after learning he moved to Ohio. We have enjoyed his Christian fellowship in our home once a month or so, and for every holiday, but soon he is moving to Delaware. My children love him and vice versa, and we are very sad he is moving.

Now getting to the point of my post: Each time we invite these two singles for a holiday meal, they reply that "they don't know what they are doing yet". It doesn't matter if we invite them two weeks ahead, or two days before...the reply is the same.

Now, we've gotten this from single people before over the seventeen years we've been married ( we used to head up a singles ministry). I don't know if single people always wait for what they deem the best offer, or what. I never did this to anyone, and I was single until age 33! I was raised to have better manners than that.

You either say yes or no, not..."maybe-I-don't-know-yet". Occasionally there might be a compelling reason to do that, but certainly not every time. And these two never give any details explaining the delay.

We've also had them not confirm at all, and then show up as much as an hour late.

This is always very inconvenient for me as a mother of four and the one responsible for the meal. Many of you are probably like me in that if you know you're having guests, you spend a little more on the food and time on the preparation than when you're just cooking for your own family.

Well, for Easter dinner this year these two singles did the exact same thing. Mary, who is nearly eighty but fit and active, has no family here and is lonely, which is why I always invite her. She appreciates having the fellowship and is always thankful. In that way she is a gracious guest.

We also drive her to the store and help her out as much as possible, and pray for her salvation. Since she is not saved, that is another reason I have put up with the rudeness over holidays. I wanted to present Christ's love to her; I decided that I didn't need to insist on her respect. Not to mention, I am just not an assertive person anyway.

However, as I heal from a dysfunctional family upbringing, I am trying to do better in not playing the martyr so often. What good does it do anyone, anyway, when it's ongoing? It only perpetuates a bad situation. Plus, I shouldn't complain about the way people treat me, if I don't plan to do anything about it, right?

So, my friends. I did what was for me, a very difficult, heart-wrenching thing. The kids made an Easter card for Mary and we sent it over with some chocolate and a note saying that since neither she nor Dean could commit to coming, that we were not going to have a dinner, but just celebrate quietly after church, and that I needed to work on a teen Bible Study I have coming up, anyway (very true and I do indeed need the time before AWANA class on Wed.). I wanted her to know that there are lots of things I can do with my time...lots of ways I could bless people, and if she wasn't interested, that was fine, but that other people need my time.

As for Dean, I sent him an email telling him Happy Easter and that we are still praying for him regarding his house hunting in Delaware, and that since neither he nor Mary could commit to coming, that we weren't having anything on Easter, except for church and a quiet day at home.

I tried to be very gracious to both of them, and I hope it was taken in the spirit I intended it, and nothing more. I will still continue to invite them each holiday, and I can only pray that they either reply yes, or no, but no..."maybe-I-don't-know".

I came up with all kinds of reasons not to do this over the last few years--most of them Christian reasons about sacrificing and not insisting on being right, or treated well. And what is hospitality? Is it having something spiffy that takes extra time or money, or is it just opening your home and heart and sharing what God has graciously provided? That's another reason I've done nothing to prevent this ongoing treatment. Shouldn't I be willing to open the door to people, even when it's last minute?

But I thought seriously this time about the wisdom from the Bible that says, "So far as it depends on you, get along with everyone." Romans 12:18

When people are rude, but we have done our polite, gracious part, then we have fulfilled this, I believe.

We have hard things to deal with here, and I'm very often stressed. OCD, in particular, is a very stressful thing to endure, so I need to make hard choices about other sources of stress in my life.

This was one of those hard choices.

Mary, who is very assertive and has hurt my feelings more than once, handled it strangely. She walks extensively, as I said, and when I was driving to the dollar store this morning to get a large pan for my turkey--which I decided to make today because church would interfere tomorrow--I saw her walking back with a bread bag in her hand. Oh, great, I thought. She is going to come to the door with some bread, and I am going to feel terrible about the note we just dropped off.

On my way back, I didn't see her walking, so I assumed she was back at home and had seen our note. Not fifteen minutes later, she came to the door with the bread, saying it was for tomorrow. I asked her if she had been home yet, and she said no. I told her we left her a note saying that because neither she nor Dean could commit to coming, that we weren't having anything on Easter, except for church and my working on my Bible study quietly, while the family enjoys a day at the park, which my husband is aching to do.

She then asked if she could have half of the bread back. Yes, folks, that is what she said. I told her to go ahead and take all of it because we have rolls, but she insisted I cut some of it. So I did, feeling more awkward than I ever have in my life, but I was determined that she not do this to me again, for another holiday.

The first time is always the hardest, I suppose, when you try to stop being a doormat.

I believe Mary had already been home, and was being manipulative, trying to get me to change my mind about what was written on my note.

I love working with children! They are such a breath of fresh air compared to adults. I hate to say that, but I find it so true.

Now, what are your thoughts? Am I being a jerk?...And don't be afraid to say so. I can take another perspective. Thank you, friends.

And Happy Easter!

P.S. We are sending turkey down to Mary later today.

Desires Fulfilled...In God's Timing

For a long time I've mourned the absence of a creative domestic mentor in my life. My own mother never had any interest in sewing, knitting, crocheting, quilting, canning, baking, or cooking from scratch. On my own, during the last three and a half years, I've learned to cook from scratch, bake from scratch, and even make pies, but pie crusts and yeast still intimidate me. Sometimes I manage a bread loaf or some cinnamon rolls that come out beautifully, and other times the yeast confounds me. Or a child plays with the yeasty loaf after I’ve patiently let it rise, and suddenly it’s flat again. Bread dough is not Playdoh, I reprimanded them.

In my home there are no made-by-me quilts, Afghans, dresses, scarves, or sweaters. Some women have no interest in these things, but to me they’re as much a draw as the four seasons were when I was growing up in California.

I guess I just long for the old-fashioned, early 20th century life, sans the skinning of squirrels and deer, and the scarlet fever and polio.

The Lord knows the desires of our hearts, and even when we don’t make a campaign of prayer over a desire, he still comes through to delight us. I’ve prayed some for a domestic mentor, but not consistently and not as fervently as I pray for other things. But still, the longing was there, and God knew it.

This last Saturday a friend from church came over for dinner with her two daughters. They taught us to knit, and promised to also show us crochet, quilting, needlepoint, and sewing. We had the best time!

My friend’s husband died of a massive heart attack 8 years ago at the age of 54, leaving her with triplets who all have disabilities, including one daughter who is profoundly mentally disabled, being 20 years old and functioning like a 3-year-old child. The triplets were born at 28 weeks gestation, and the more disabled one, Laura, weighed a little over a pound. Sadly, she had a stroke, which can happen to the smallest-weight babies. The doctors told my friend that she and her husband should “pull the plug” on Laura because she would never be able to walk or talk.

Being Christians and parents who tried for 12 years to have children (3 miscarriages), they told the doctors they would take what God gives, and Laura did walk and talk by three years old.

She is still serviced by the local high school’s special education department, despite turning 21 years old soon, but she doesn’t know how to read. My daughter Beth brought a library book and sat next to Laura, asking her to please read it. The look on Laura’s face broke my heart. She seems like a happy young lady, don’t get me wrong, but I wonder if she wishes she could read?

Lastly, this family is rather poor, living in a trailer. They are forgotten by the world, but dearly loved by our Holy God.

What’s so wonderful to me is that my new friend needed a friend, as much as I needed someone who could teach me and my children (yes, even the boys want to learn) how to knit and create beautiful things.

She needed more than a friend, actually. She needed another whole family to fellowship with, laugh with, and share burdens with.  She needed a family who also has little money, so as not to embarrass her with invitations and outings she can’t afford, or with great stylish outfits, compared to her simple, worn, thrifted clothes. Someone who would make a wholesome meal and say: come as you are and gather at our table. (My friend is not a cook and appreciates someone serving her a homemade meal).

My son Peter, who has the more severe OCD compared to Paul, has often lamented that no one understands him…and yet my friend? She has OCD; she understands.

The less disabled of the daughters is going to a two-year college to become a vet tech. She has some cerebral palsy (but I certainly didn’t detect it), and a learning disability that affects her comprehension. She will take six years to finish a two-year program, because she can’t handle a full college load. Still, she is earning all A’s, two classes at a time.

Peter struggles with dysgraphia and it will do him good to have a friend who understands that you can be smart, but need more time than others, and that’s okay…it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The Body of Christ: sometimes it’s a disappointment, isn’t it? Sometimes there is just no one there who understands or has time, or who will refrain from judgment.

Sometimes it can seem like even God isn’t there, and this is the time for real faith. This is the time to remember that to the Lord, a thousand years is as a day.

2 Peter 3:8-9 But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

In God’s timing, we are filled. Praise Him!

Christmas Potatoes, Choir Pictures, Gratitude Journal

This is my last post of 2013. I pray you have a Merry Christmas and Joyous New Year!

We are having our single friend, Dean, for Christmas dinner, and also for after-dinner entertainment, which will be a Christmas Nativity Play put on by the eager, budding actors and actresses here. They have been busy making shepherd staffs and a feeding trough to hold baby Jesus, and they're trying on sheets to try and simulate middle-Eastern clothes. They opened presents last weekend, and with that out of the way and the house cleaned up, we can concentrate on dinner and the Nativity.

I did some hunting for Christmas potato recipes, and found two posted on Paula Deen's site (sweet potato casserole and garlic mashed potatoes). In case you don't have your final menu planned, I thought you might want to take a look at these. Her recipes aren't healthy, but for a holiday meal, who's counting calories?

Sweet picture. My favorite of the sisters this year.

Sweet Potato Casserole

posted here

3 cups mashed sweet potatoes

1 cup sugar

1/3 cup butter, melted

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

1/4 cup heavy cream, half & half, or whole milk

Topping

1 cup brown sugar

3 Tbs butter, melted

1/3 cup flour

1 cup pecans or walnuts, chopped

Mix topping together with fork, and sprinkle over top of casserole before baking.

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Mix every thing except for cream. Beat with mixer until smooth. Add cream; mix well. Pour into greased casserole dish (11/2 quarts). Add topping. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Serves about 8.





One of my favorite things about Christmas is the church Children's Christmas Choir. Here are my boys saying their Christmas verses, and here is one of Beth, too, singing Away in the Manger with other preschool church friends.

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I am so grateful that one of the church moms has been gracious enough to work with the kids for three years now, putting a short program on for a thankful, smitten congregation. The more often children are involved in worship the better; they help melt our preoccupied, adults hearts, so we can approach the Lord with a more childlike faith.

Garlic Mashed Potatoes posted here





I doubled this recipe:

6 medium potatoes coarsely chopped

2 tsp. salt to put in water

8 Tbs. butter at room temperature

1/2 cup sour cream at room temperature

2 tsp. finely minced garlic

2 Tbs. milk (or to desired consistency)

Salt and pepper to taste

Cook potatoes in salted water until tender, about 15 minutes. Drain. Add butter and garlic and sour cream. Mash with potato masher or back of fork until desired consistency. Add milk, 1 Tbs. at a time, until desired consistency. 



Also on the menu is ham, whole cranberries, steamed green beans, corn (hubby has to have his corn), ambrosia salad, wheat rolls, and apple cider, and for dessert: pumpkin pie, apple crisp, and a chocolate pie.

Bless you, friends. Your friendship has been such a balm to my soul. I dearly love you.

Gratitude Journal:

~ My son Paul, who is such a kind, gentle soul, abounding in love and forgiveness.

~ A Baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, who wants my heart for Christmas. Praise God!

~ Children singing about Jesus.

~ Dear friends who blessed us.

~ The way cheap candy canes light up my children's faces.

~ Hot cocoa on chilly nights.

~ Extra hours with hubby this week, as he gets a little rare time off. Unpaid time from the one job, but we still consider it a blessing.

~ Our heater and air conditioning guy's loving way with our children, especially with little Beth.

~ Apple cider 

~ Shepherds and wise men and stunning angels to make Christmas so exciting.

~ God news of great joy which shall be for all the people.

~ That every Christmas is a special opportunity for our unsaved relatives to become acquainted with the Christ Child, and His Good News. 

Please Lord, save our relatives?  May they be with us in Paradise, we beg of you. 

Homeschool and Mother's Journal, 9/15

In my life this week:

This week entailed a field trip, our regular Wednesday night AWANA, the beginning of the fall clothing switch, and on Friday night a homeschooling social at a dear family's house for game night.

I also worked to finalize our fall homeschool daily schedule. School officially starts on Monday, but on Friday morning we tested our morning schedule to see what changes would be required. 

The DVD player broke in our older, master-bedroom computer, meaning we now have to do the Teaching Textbooks math CD ROM on the playroom computer, which is off the kitchen and can also be heard in the dining room. One part of our morning called for Teaching Textbooks math going on during the same time as the song CD for the girls' Sing, Spell, Read & Write program. That got a little interesting and needs to be tweaked, but otherwise the schedule worked fine.

On Monday we'll test out the morning changes and see how the afternoon works, but we're finishing early so I can get the clothing switch finished before my four-year-old daughter tries on all the clothes and makes me crazy wondering where my tidy pile of give-away clothes just went.

Did I tell you our air conditioner went out and Monday through Thursday were blazing hot, with the house reaching 82 degrees and us owning only one small fan plus a couple air cleaners that hardly qualify as fans?

Not fun, so when we woke up on Saturday morning to a 67-degree house, Momma was doing the happy dance and I even made cornbread to go with our chili and chocolate chip cookie bars for the preschooler church snack tomorrow morning.

I love me some fall weather and I will earnestly pray summer doesn't reappear (much to my husband's dismay). He's a summer creature you know and I don't know how we ended up together, feeling so strongly about our seasons and all. It's a war around here sometimes, with husband praying for summer and me praying for fall.

Our bi-weekly Jesus Storybook Bible children's ministry occurred on the first cold day of the year, so I had to frantically go through storage boxes to find suitable clothes for the children, while trying not to create a laundry and clutter nightmare on the same day as our Bible Study. It's always slightly frantic getting the house tidy and clean before 4 PM on Saturdays, especially since Daddy works on Saturdays until 1:00 PM and can't run much interference with the kids.

I delegated well today, though, with the boys doing all the vacuuming and the girls dusting and tidying up the playroom, getting it ready for a vacuuming. The 4 year old is a lousy housekeeper and needs to be frequently reminded of her "duties". Why is it that 2 year olds are thrilled to help but when age 4 arrives, cleaning becomes the bane of their existence, unless it involves the duster or the windex bottle?

Anyone out there nodding their heads? At least at the four year old trying on clothes incessantly and leaving a trail everywhere of shoes, play handbags, and dresses and shirts?

I would get mad, except she's so darn cute when she tries on clothes and dances around me. "Do I look enchantingly beautiful, Mommy?"

To which the 6-year-old, frog-toting tomboy sister replies, "Beth! There's more to life than just clothes!"

In Our Homeschool this week:

See notes above. I guess I'm poor at sticking to categories.

The only other homeschool note is that taking a break from school should maybe not include taking a break from math. Fractions and percents are hard and the procedures get fuzzy in the brain during periods of un-use. There was much groaning on the first math day back. Too many fractions and percents for their liking.

Helpful Homeschooling Tips to Share:

Try to do the fall and spring clothing switches on a school break. Pretty obvious and what's wrong with me, anyway?

Places We're Going and People We're Seeing:

The Friday night game night was a fantastic stress reliever. We all had a wonderful time and one of the families in attendance also has a child with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. That's amazing because the frequency of this disease is 1 in a 1000! The mother and I couldn't stop saying how amazing it was that we ended up at the same homeschool party. God is simply amazing.

She's a dear woman and I will see her once a month at this Homeschooler Game Night. Next month she's bringing her recipe for crockpot lasagna. She promises us you don't have to precook the noodles. Sound fascinating?

She also has an autistic daughter of 15 who functions like a 9 year old, and she has a son with ADHD. Autism is one of several things that can pair with ADHD either in the same child, or in a sibling of an ADHD child.

I will be praying for this woman, and she for me. Her sweet son with the arthritis patted my Beth on the head before they left, and told her he would pray for her joints and her joy. That about sent me into tearful convulsions.

He's ten and was diagnosed at 18 months old. He has it in fingers and other smaller joints (a different type than my Beth has).

Our field trip was to a working farm to learn how to make our own bar soap and other household supplies. The woman who taught it lives and dresses like a woman from 150 years ago, and she has the lofty goal of teaching sustainable-living classes to as many adults and homeschoolers as she can, so that these valuable skills will not disappear from our culture.

We took home many recipes to try.

Lye, used to make soap, is a poison, though, so I won't be trying my own soaps until my youngest is a bit older.

They are working on building up their farm to include original buildings with working equipment you would have seen in a town 150 years ago. A real working village.  It was a fascinating place with many buildings already in place!

My Favorite Thing This Week:

We went to a large rummage sale at the church my husband works at, and my Beth, upon leaving, gave all the volunteer senior citizens a hug. They were thrilled and I felt so blessed to be her mother.

She made out like a bandit, finding a beautiful porcelain doll for $2 and other little trinkets for cheap.

My other favorite thing was getting some neighborhood evangelism done, and praying about the outcome. May it be a glorious one, Father!

My Children's Favorite Thing This Week:

The game night and the church rummage sale. The boys found the Battleship Game in perfect shape at the rummage sale and brought it to game night.

The family that hosted game night had a beautiful bunny they let run around the house like a cat or dog. It goes to a cage to do its business though (it potty-trained itself!). My Mary was thrilled with it and didn't even make time to play a board game. Bunnies are very timid though and this one, at two months old, wasn't tamed yet and mostly hid from all the kids under the couch.

I'm Grateful For:

~ The Lord and his faithfulness and provision

~ Four precious kids who keep me young and happy

~ My husband's gentleness with me

~ Good Christian friends

~ Fall temperatures

~ Online friends and e-mail friends from afar

~ Children's books

~ The teaching of reading

~ A wonderful letter from our Compassion child Nelson from El Salvador

~ Expecting a letter from India soon, from our precious Divya, and from Raphael in Burkina Faso (all the Compassion letters seem to come in chunks).

Verse or Quote to Share:

Giving thanks for this wonderful verse:

Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Thank you for reading and how was your week?




 

First Love

 

 Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Do you ever feel utterly alone? Sometimes when depression sets in, either during illness or tragedy or turmoil, we automatically look for comfort from those with skin on. 

 

But those of us with skin on, in our humanness, are often so wrapped up in our own troubles, that when someone needs us, we're only half there. We don't feel we have time to stop everything and enter into someone's sorrow fully, though we may pray faithfully.

 

I am aware of this and have felt it from others, and I try to enter fully into others sorrow--to be Jesus with skin on for them. But alas, sometimes life is topsy-turvy here and I can't do it well. 

 

But I sincerely want to and I pray to get better at this. I think it is so precious.

God has been gracious to me, the lone Christian in my family clan, by providing e-mail relationships for me with three older women of faith. Their notes encourage me and make me feel loved, and we enjoy praying for each other.

Even the partner I have in the church nursery shares some of the pain of my daily life, in that she has a daughter with similar struggles as my Peter. Though we are the same age and have four children each, her youngest is 18 and mine is 4. So yes, there are differences, but there's that one shared sorrow and being able to share it even for a few minutes while we play with babies, helps both of us. And knowing the flavor of her troubles means that I pray faithfully for her and for her daughter, because I know the depth of the situation more so than others could.

And that is blessing.

And just this week I resumed contact--after I sent her a Christmas letter and picture--with a mom of three I worked with in California when I was a homeschooling facilitator. Her three children are in college now, and one of them has OCD badly enough that he has extreme difficulty taking the exams necessary for his nursing degree, though he's a highly competent student. The stress of the entire program has worsened his OCD and it's been difficult for his mother to watch.

This woman is 55 and her youngest is 18. She lives in Arizona and I live in Ohio. It can only be another e-mail relationship, but I often tell my husband...would I really have time to actually meet with anyone in the flesh? Not right now, for sure. God knows what I need and He puts together what will work.

God put our reunion together and I'm so grateful, for I've thought about her son four times this morning, and I've prayed each time for his peace and for the OCD to go away. And I've eagerly awaited another e-mail from his mother, who is a dear person with a gentle and quiet spirit.

 

It occurred to me today that she may have an empty nest in the next couple years, and during that transition she will need prayer, even though she may not know it yet.

 

I will be there, praying from afar, and that feels like such a privilege.

Our skin-on relationships are such a blessing.

 

But.

 

And it's a big BUT.

Despite these grace-filled relationships that help me immensely, God still knows I need him more. I need to go to Him every day, but especially when my spirit is high or low, when I'm faltering, when I need direction and comfort.

I thought I had this flu and sinus infection thing beat yesterday (Monday). I woke up feeling decent for the first time in over a week. I cleared away clutter and worked on the laundry diligently, planning on doing the vacuuming and mopping in between school today.

But I was foolish. After doing the saline nasal rinse several times over the weekend, I didn't do it at all yesterday, since I was feeling better. The discomfort returned last night and I only slept about four hours.

Then today, my body feels like the flu all over again. A setback, just when I was so ready to resume my life and activities. Depression threatened to sink me, and I knew God was the only one who could help me.

I love to read this Zephaniah verse:

 

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. 

 

I'm so comforted by these words especially: he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love

 

The reminder that my Father rejoices over me, that he's glad he created me, that he desires to quiet my spirit with his unfailing love? This always heals me within. It's always my hope, answered.

 

We must go to Him often. He is our hope, answered. Our need, met. Our Father, in all perfection. He is what our souls long for, and until our souls get Him--enough of Him--they will not rest.

 

It takes greater effort to read the Bible when we're down. Depression can make it hard to concentrate. It's harder to care for ourselves and work smart when our spirits are so low.

 

And God knows that. The Words of Scripture penetrate deeper when our need is deeper. Simple words that before just seemed beautiful, will seem like life itself in our hour of need. That's what it means to say that the Word of God lives. It responds to our spirit's need. It penetrates the places of our heart that need growth, and comforts where there is pain.

 

Sometimes, God will purposely leave us without enough skin-on support. We might get on the phone and no one is home. We might send an e-mail and there's no response. 

 

This is just His intent, so we'll go to the one Source who always has time. The Source who always has an answer. The Source who always understands our inner turmoil. The Source who always leaves us richer, brighter, more joyful and full of peace.

 

 Give thanks for your support system with skin on, but never forsake your first love.

 

Mark 12:30

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 

 

image 

Your Fall Schedule and the Bible

The edges of the trees, they already whisper fall. A splash of color in a sea of green, promising new adventures, sights, sounds and smells. Some mornings we crave blankets for cuddling together on the couch as the nights dip cooler.

Is it time for that first pot of homemade chicken-noodle soup and fresh applesauce, the kids wondered this week. When do we visit the orchard to pick apples and take a hay ride?

Seasonal change is a gift from our loving Heavenly Father, who abounds in grace and love. He delights in our seasonal joy.

Along with the fun comes change for our children's and family's schedules, with school and activities commencing this week. As Christians, how do we decide what is good and holy, and what is worldly, as we fill up our calendars? How should kids and families be spending their time?

And, as we gather markers and crayons, sets of novels and math programs, tissue boxes and lined paper, binders and just the right scissors for little hands...what might be forgotten?




On that last day we'll be held accountable for how we spent our resources: time, money, talents

What is pure and faultless, in regards to our time, money, talents? 

It's easy to get caught up in facilitating the perfect future for our children. We wonder: what will help them get along with others, assert themselves appropriately, master new technologies, get in the best schools, be competitive in the workplace?

But do we also ask...what will make my child a better Christian soldier?

Are we rearing a capitalist, or a Christian? What works in the world doesn't always work for God.

Some ideas for pursuing the pure and faultless this fall:

1. Make time for prayer

Fall school preparation is not complete without our humbled hearts asking for God's blessing for our children...

...that they will be lights for Christ and not give in to the pressure to act tough and calloused. In our humanity we have a strong desire to belong. If there are no acceptable groups to belong to at school--many groups will bully others while in mass; teach your children about mob mentality--then children need an even stronger sense of belonging at home. We must have enough family time and bonding to prevent kids from filling that need in all the wrong places. Strong family ties lessen the need to belong to bad-news groups of kids. Remember even a nice child can become mean when in a group. Teach them to stand up for the bullied early on, or to get help from an adult. You might check out the book The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes to introduce the dangers of bullying and teasing.



...that they will have strong work ethics and study habits.

...that they will be a friend to make a friend.

...that they won't keep secrets from Mom and Dad.

...that their friends, teachers, and schools will be safe. 

...that they will obey their parents in the Lord, even while away from home.

2. Keep Devotional/Discipling Time Sacred

If each child pursues a sport or activity in the same season, will you still have time for family dinners and family devotional time? Or even to pray together briefly once a day with Daddy involved, since he is the most influential in terms of children holding onto their faith?

Can you alternate the sports or activities so that only one child participates at a time, or so they'll do the same activity and share the same schedule?

Consider that the more your children are away from you, the more time you'll have to spend intentionally discipling them when they are with you. If you choose public or Christian school and then after-school activities, how many hours do the children have with parents each week? Is it enough time to really talk? Think about the time Jesus spent discipling the Twelve. He talked to them extensively...questioning, challenging, teaching. Much of it happened naturally as they dwelt together, but if dwelling together all day isn't possible, how can you make it intentional and unhurried?

3. Is there a better use of your money?

One thing to consider as you peruse the price lists for different activities is this: Can you still be a good steward of the financial resources God gave you, as you spend money on after-school activities? Can you do a full tithe and offer something to the poor as well? Many children are involved in expensive activities and we might feel left out if our children don't do them this season, but what does God say? Are we supposed to fit it with the world, or with Jesus?

4. Is there a better use of your time?

Jesus make it clear what we're to do: Mark 12:30-31 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Does your child still have time to do a personal prayer and Bible reading time, in addition to homework and after-school activities? Short of our unconditional love and the knowledge of God's gift of eternal life, there is one other thing they must leave our home with: solid personal devotional habits. Without this in place, they'll be a worldly, fleshly Christian, at best.



And what about loving others? Does your child still have time to call or write to the grandparents? To visit a nursing home to love on the residents there, maybe reading scripture or poetry, singing or playing an instrument they're learning, or baking something and having a tea time with them? Do they have time to write letters to your sponsored children, or to other children who need encouragement? How can they tangibly love on others this fall? God always puts people in our midst who need love. It's up to us to respond.

As your child chooses activities, think about how the talents or skills can bless others. Can they play a song on the piano to make someone smile, or on the clarinet? Can they learn to draw for the glory of God? The arts can help us express love for God, and reflect that love. 

A good question to ask is this: Can participating in this activity just bless me, or others as well? Can I use it to shine Jesus' light to the world in some way? What are the ultimate goals and can I meet these same goals while loving others, serving others?

A good message to highlight as we raise our children: It's not all about you. 

The Meanest Mom on the Block

Well friends, I acted assertively in two instances. I knew it had to be done but I feel sick to my stomach, even two hours later, and my kids? They're slowly coming to understand why their mild-mannered mommy had to be so "mean".

The 12-year-old babysitter left her house to play outside for an hour and a half today with her 9-year-old brother, leaving the 4-year-old and 5-year-old still inside their house. I thought maybe the mother had come to get them for an appointment, so I didn't say anything to the 12-year-old.

They did come out eventually, so I had to assume she left them either sleeping or watching a movie.

When they emerged the little ones immediately came over here and the 12- and 9-year-olds went to the drainage ditch to catch frogs. This ditch is across the street from my home (their house is also across the street and two houses down.)

I had to go across the street with the young ones in hand and tell their sister I had paperwork to do and couldn't have them on my property, because they might get hurt and then I could get sued. I used this language deliberately, not knowing whether she would understand or not, but with the hope she would repeat it to her mother later. I told her the kids wouldn't listen to me about staying with their sister, and would she please take control of them and keep them off the property?

The worst that can happen is they'll think I'm a fickle witch--nice one day and mean the next--and decide not to go to our church. The best thing that can happen is they'll be forced to act more responsibly.

A person who takes responsibility for others inappropriately, is called an enabler. And I won't go there. Enabling doesn't help anyone...it's emotionally unhealthy for all involved.

But, I hated rejecting those little ones. I'm still sick to my stomach.

In other news, our neighborhood friend Lexi ran away last week. The grandfather came to our door looking for her. He had no idea where to look except at our house, so Peter gave him a few other ideas. She hadn't been here that day and we were worried sick about her until we saw her in her front yard a few hours later.

She said she was grounded when Peter drove by on his bike a day later.

Anyhow, since then I've asked that she bring a note with her from her family, indicating that she's allowed to play here. She isn't allowed out of her yard but when she leaves it defiantly, they won't go after her. They're completely non-assertive, choosing instead to continually take her bike away, rather than go and retrieve her. This young lady is strong willed and after telling her three times today to leave, I come in shaking from stress. She kept saying it was okay and her mother didn't have any paper to write a note, but after I came inside and she began walking home, she told Peter she didn't think her mom would give her permission.

So friends, this concludes the story about the balmy August day in which I became the meanest mom on the block.

A Conundrum

Friends, I scarcely know where to begin.

So much to process tonight.

The neighborhood situation? It's changed in the last couple days. Turns out that the girl watching her three siblings, ages 4, 5, and 9? She's not 13 years old. 

She's 12.

And today she fell asleep on the job. The 9-year-old, Aiden, left the house with his two younger siblings while the older sister slept. They came over here, where they know food and drink are available and where they can play with toys and books in a clean house. (Yes, the house has been very clean lately.)

And someone will smile at them here. And maybe pat their cute little heads and tell them their painting has a lot of vivid colors.

Today, I was not ready to host any children. I'd taken Beth to therapy and had chores to do, paperwork to catch up on. Neighborhood children had taken up my time the two previous days and I couldn't dedicate three days in a row to it.

Sounds reasonable, yes? Except that the more I do for this family, the less they do for themselves. The more I've loved on these children, the more the 12-year-old sister ceases to be a babysitter and just becomes a kid who wants to have her own fun. Which is to be expected. She is a kid!

She goes around the block on her bike, leaving the 4-and 5-year-old siblings to fend for themselves. Once the 4-year-old followed after the older sister, in the middle of the street, even turning around a bend from the middle of the street.

He disappeared from my view, and then I saw the 12- and 9-year-olds appear in my driveway from the opposite direction. The 4 year old doesn't have a regular bike, but instead rides one of those low-to-the-ground big wheel bikes. This makes him less visible to cars. He went around the entire block by himself, knowing no bike safety rules. He doesn't stop at stop signs, look both ways, or stay to the right side. No one in this neighborhood wears helmets (except for my children, with the neurotic parents?) There are no bike or motorcycle helmet laws in Ohio.

Last night I received another note from the mother. Could I come over when the gas company gets there the next day, because an adult needs to be present for them to turn on the gas? According to the 12-year-old, the mom didn't pay the last couple dollars of the bill, so the gas got shut off.

My husband went over to their house, mostly outside where the men were working, while I was at therapy. He had to stay 90 minutes because the gas company ran into a few glitches. The 12-year-old did nothing to control her siblings. They kept getting in the gas man's way. The house was in horrendous shape, or so I'm told by my children, who were in it about 20 minutes.

Windows wide open with no screens, flies everywhere. Bedrooms in the worst shape my kids had ever seen, with the 12-year-old's being the worst. The parents didn't have a bedroom or a bed, and one of the children didn't have a bed. The house is a three-bedroom. With two girls and two boys, there should be enough room for everyone? The girls both had their own room.

Also last night, two hours after the note about the gas company, I got another visit. The 9-year-old comes over to ask if his mother can borrow some kid movies. At 8:30 PM. We only have a couple of DVD's, because I happen to prefer videos. I gave him what I had, leaving out the letter and number learning DVD's, which I need intact for my preschooler.

The mother also asked if she could text my phone, because she prefers that to talking. Her son taught me how to text, except that we don't have a texting plan. Who knows what Verizon charges per text! I'm probably going to regret that this woman has my phone number.

I wonder about the mother's overall maturity. When she arrived home from work (she's gone from 9:00 to 4:30) the kids met her at the end of the driveway, excited to see her. She let the three younger ones get on the hood of the car, and the older one get on the back of the car. She proceeded to drive up their driveway this way, and not particularly slow, either. If one of the kids had fallen off the front, she couldn't have stopped in time to prevent an injury.

This mentality is foreign to me. I'm trying to give these folks room to be different, but I'm struggling. Is it my age? I'm probably ten years older than this mother.

I was horrified at this stunt, friends. Seeing it, I immediately panicked about this family. Yes, I'm probably overly conscientious and maybe not the best judge. But this mother is as neglectful as I've ever seen. She must want to be their friend, instead of the adult.

Will I one day have to call CPS about child neglect? How bad can things get? Should I try to do as little as possible to avoid being taken advantage of, and further putting the children in danger? If the 12-year-old thinks I'm watching them, and I think she's watching them, then they're less safe than ever.

I have weeks of homeschooling to plan, leaving me little time to think about keeping the neighbors safe.

What does God want from me? To learn to be assertive? To speak to the mother about her neglectful 12-year-old daughter? Something tells me the mother wouldn't even agree that riding in the middle of the street is dangerous.

The four-year-old now comes whenever he feels like it, whether my kids are out or not. Several times I had trouble getting him to go home after I brought my own kids inside. He came even after his mother arrived home.

Most of this is none of my business, I realize. This is a personal-freedom lovin' country, and thank goodness. You can be a messy, permissive parent if you so desire. CPS, whom I would only call if things got far worse, would probably think me crazy even calling about this family. They see far worse conditions. As a teacher I learned that there almost have to be feces everywhere or obvious physical or se*ual abuse, for children to be removed.

I asked my husband tonight this hypothetical question. Which is best? To have parents you love who neglect you? Or to have foster parents you don't love, who take good care of you? He thinks the latter is best...because love is a verb.

But foster kids can be mistreated and some people take them in just for the extra money--money which is not always spent on the children.

What do I think is best? I don't really know. These children obviously love their mom very much, and for the most part they're all very nice, notwithstanding the 9-year-old's occasional anger fits, and his intermittent disrespect toward adults (is there any wonder?). He probably gets angry because his life feels out of control. No structure. Nothing he can count on.

How many times have they moved? Possibly, three different fathers are involved. Were they evicted and that's why there's very little furniture? Did they move away from neighbors who reported them? Are they recovering from losing their house? Both the mom and the step-dad have jobs, at least right now.

It's so hard, isn't it? These sad situations tare at your heart and how do you process them? This isn't the third world...these children look well fed (though probably not healthily fed). The 12 year old is quite overweight (Childhood obesity is heartbreaking, and on the rise).

Again I ask...what does God want from me? From us? That we all learn to be assertive--something which is hard for all of us (except for my husband)? I'm assertive with my kids and with younger kids, but other people's children? I tend to mind my own business when I can get away with it.

I should have spoken to the 12-year-old right away when she emerged from her nap, but I didn't. I just stewed instead, about this whole predicament. I want to help these children and love them, but that seems to have made the situation worse, not better. Now I almost have to watch them all the time, or not at all.

Setting limits? This family is used to a limitless lifestyle.

Tonight, I blew up at my own kids over the stress of it all. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and rotten right now.

Dear Lord, speak to me. What must I do? Help me to see, Lord. You care about souls. I know this. You don't want a single one to perish. Is this only about souls...and not about whether I have time to minister? Is this mother doing her best? Am I the problem? Am I here to fill in the gap until school starts for them next Tuesday? Is that what you want? For me to babysit for free, no matter the inconvenience? No matter that feeling of being taken advantage of? Am I supposed to gently correct in love? Oh, but how I dislike that! I'm no supervisor or counselor, surely Lord?

Speak to me, Lord. Which scripture answers my conundrum?

Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Is this the one, Lord?

Friends, what would you do?

The last thing I heard tonight, as my children came in for the night, was Aiden asking Peter: "Where do you go to church?

Peter told him the name of our church--the one that meets in the elementary school--and Aidan said, "I'll see you there, then!"

He will? 

The Gospel and Neighborhood Life

He appeared in my driveway this morning, this Aidan who moved in across the street. He's nine and macho, always shirtless and about to lose his pants. He builds bikes and changes tires and he offered just today to take the training wheels off of Mary's bike. He'd teach her to ride without them, he told Mary.

I like him.

Standing before me, his sun-bronzed face sported three fresh red scratches and two swollen eyes. He'd been crying earlier.

Peter learned that Aidan, before ten o'clock this morning, had an altercation with his 13-year-old sister, who babysits him and his two siblings--a 4-year-old boy and a 5-year-old girl.

In a hurry to get Beth to therapy, I could say but little to this boy who pretends to be a man.

"Honey, are you okay today?"

He nodded. But more tears? A dam held them back. A quiver in that macho chin did not escape my notice.

"Let me know if you ever need anything while your mom's gone, okay?"

He nodded again and I drove off with Beth, leaving my other three with Daddy, who comes home a couple hours on Wednesday mornings to cover the therapy appointment.

A good drive ahead of me, I mourned this mother's need to be away at work. No mother would choose this, I knew. To leave three children in the care of a thirteen year old? Only desperation would create a scenario like that.

A day ago, Aidan came with his little brother and sister. My kids asked if they could all play in the playroom. So I cleaned it up good, and invited them all in.

From the front window I could see the 13-year-old sister come out their front door, wondering where the kids were. Earlier they'd been in the middle of the street, unsafely riding their bikes and I didn't know what to do.

In my mind's eye I could see their bloodied bodies on the street, downed by a teenager driving too fast. My mind always draws these pictures for me, and I respond quickly. But these kids? They're not mine and they wouldn't listen to my gentle warnings to ride in my driveway, instead. Or in their driveway.

It took my breath away, every time they'd rode around with abandon in the street.

I gently told Aidan how dangerous it was, and could he teach them to ride on the right side only?

But 9-year-old Aidan, their big brother? Just the day before I rode away to get groceries. I watched him peddle fast into the adjoining street without looking, almost hitting a car.

There's a reason my eight year old doesn't ride in the street without us, and why my ten year old can't turn onto other streets by himself.

Seeing the sister look for them just then, I quickly wrote a note for Aidan to take over, giving her my name and cell number, letting her know the kids were in the playroom and I would send them home whenever she needed me to. She wrote her cell number down, telling Aidan I should text her if she didn't answer.

I had to smile at that. A teenager asking me to text her.

I haven't the slightest clue how to send a text. Yes, I admit it. I've never texted.

Halfway to Beth's therapy appointment, my mind turns to their mother again. She'd sent me a note last night, telling me thank you for letting her little ones play here the day before, and did I have any fever reducer her five year old could use? She also wrote down her phone number and said I should call her if I ever needed anything.

And do you know? It thrilled me to receive this note. A neighbor asking for my help warmed my heart, for the days of borrowing cups of sugar are long gone. It tickled me to grab my generic children's tylenol, give it to Aidan, the messenger, and tell him we'd pray for his little sister.

But that word...pray.

He'd looked at me funny when I said it.

I closed the door after he left, reminding myself not to be ashamed of the Gospel.

Romans 1:16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.

The gospel can invite trouble, I know this afresh. For the woman two doors down? The one I invited to dinner along with her grandson? Not only did she never respond, but today Peter saw them both out and waved and waved. They both stared at him from their driveway, and it took three times before Landon waved back. The grandmother? She didn't wave.

"Mommy", Peter told me afterwards, "That really hurt my feelings. Why wouldn't she wave? She used to wave, before we invited her to dinner."

"It's very hard to understand, Peter. Somehow, she was offended by my invitation. I don't know why, except that maybe she's been hurt by other Christians. Some people think of Christians as Jesus-freaks--people who aren't really of this world. They don't want to get too close. It's a sort of fear. Prejudice is always rooted in fear. And honey, we really aren't of this world. And no matter how much it hurts to be rejected, we can't try to hide the fact that we're Christians. We can't be ashamed of the gospel."

As Aidan rode off on his bike last night with the fever reducer, I wondered what he would say to his parents. 

Would he mention that word...pray? And what would they think? Would we hear from them again?

I prayed. We all prayed.

What else can a Jesus Freak do next, but pray?

Prayer Time:  Dear Lord, Thank you for plucking me out of this world. Thank you for making me a Jesus Freak. I want to spread your love and your Truth, so others can feel what I feel...this deep, wild love for you. Help us all, Lord. Give us wisdom in our interactions, and give us strength through rejections. Thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us. I love you. Fill my children up, Lord. Thank you that this summer they're learning to stand up for you. Thank you that I'm here, able to disciple them through it all. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Wednesday Devotions

Chores undone, children, six of them today, needing supervision and drinks on a hot day.

Morning spent on arthritis therapy, which always makes me feel behind at home.

The boys' end-of-year teacher meeting to prepare for and go to this Friday. Laundry to shuffle and fold.

Too many people needing me, a tired Momma who slept poorly after two boys woke me up at 3:00 AM, arguing about whether the hall light should be left on or not.

Two new neighborhood boys started coming within a week of each other. Both from divorced families, they bounce back and forth to different houses. Though they seem to endure it, they need a prayer warrior. I notice their emotions are fragile when they return from visits. 

I remember this from childhood. The switch at the end of holidays and vacations. The tears and the guilt trip and the wishing it could be different. Why couldn't I have a life like my friend, the one with two steady parents, a steady home? It felt whole at her house. Warm. 

Nowadays, the switches are too frequent. Who needs two homes? Two toothbrushes? Two sets of rules? Who needs the brokenness of saying goodbye to a beloved parent for another week? 

These boys, I like them already. Children weave their way into my heart and it's good, but sometimes I want a less heavy heart. I want to feel less. 

Or maybe I want more strength.

At three o'clock, after hours of play, I entice my four inside to rest. So I can rest. 

I search for a verse of the day before starting the dishes. A verse for these tired days with needs unending. A verse that makes my heart sing, my soul rest, my body renew.

And here it is, from Zephaniah.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

I close my eyes to hear this loud singing, this rejoicing over me with gladness. I want to feel His mightiness that saves. I want to feel the quietness of his enfolding love.

And I do. For three minutes, until Paul interrupts, needing me to open the can of pumpkin for his pumpkin bread recipe.

I do it and sit back down and read the verse again. And again. 

And I close my eyes.

And no one needs me for twenty minutes.

Prayer Time: Dear Father, Thank you for your beautiful heart and your Word. Thank you for these verses that echo your heart and make it accessible to me, a weak vessel. I don't have long to sit but I need a filling, Lord. I need you to infiltrate my heart and mind and give me rest even as I work. May my step be light, my heart be willing to serve anew. Work through me to love my children, to disciple them through new friends, new knowledge of a broken world. May we be lights out there Lord, even as we're broken ourselves. Shine through us. Make us faithful servants.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen

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