Moments of Grace

Brokenness getting the better of me, my spirit questioned God.

Awake at 1:00 AM with throbbing pain in my ankle, I lay there, wondering if my Beth was in such horrible throbbing pain two years ago, when her arthritis first surfaced. I remember sleeping in her queen bed with her for months, because she woke up so frequently, and my husband needed sufficient sleep. I nursed her whenever she asked day or night, up until last summer, when she began sleeping quite well.

Was it enough? Was any of it enough, to soothe a little girl in the kind of pain I was in from 1:00 AM to 5:00 AM?

I wondered, too, if Beth would be one of the 50% who don't grow out of this disease before puberty or in her teens. Would she be in need of multiple joint replacements by 30 years old? In giving me similar symptoms right now, is God giving me reason to emphathize with her like no one else could? Rheumatoid Arthritis is very painful, yet few understand the pain, since it comes and goes and can put you down quickly. You don't look ill, so you suffer silently. You stand alone, lonely, and the loneliness can be as hard as the disease itself.

My heart ached last night, thinking of Beth's pain, and me being unable to truly understand up until now. I don't know if I might have something else instead, but all the other possiblities don't account for the coming and going of the pain, and the range in the quality of the pain.

On top of those concerns, both my boys will soon start therapy for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which makes their hands raw and red from too much washing, and costs us a fortune in toilet paper, since one roll can be consumed by one of my sons in one day. When OCD gets moderate to severe, household products disappear quickly.

And today we went to the pediatrician to investigate four days in a row of headaches for my Paul, which were diagnosed as migraines. He has to try a preventative medicine for one month to see what happens.

Groan, went my spirit as I made the call for Paul's appointment today. Except for Mary, we are cursed, healthwise. Allergies, ezcema, occasional asthma, migraine headaches, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, Tourette's Syndrome, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, and now my ankle bit. We are all a healthy weight and we don't smoke or drink or eat too much of anything, but we have these mental disorders, conditions, and diseases to contend with, which suck energy from our souls.

Why do some families live symptom-free except for your usual colds and flu, and others have such everyday burdens? Stupid question. I knew that before my brain even uttered the last of it. Every family struggles with something, and many suffer silently.

It's even embarrassing, trying to explain these things, so I don't. People start wondering what we are doing wrong, to have so many issues, and that just makes my heart heavier. Better to keep quiet.

I learned yesterday that a dear woman from church, 41 years old, lost a baby before Thanksgiving. I cried with her, and during the service her 20-month-old son, whom I get to love on in the nursery, stood in the aisle during worship music time and lifted his hands to the Lord, a broad smile on his face as he swayed back and forth, 2 feet away from Daddy. Many people noticed his sheer joy, and the moment was of God, orchestrated by a loving, gracious, faithful Father, to encourage a grieving mother's heart, and all who grieved with her.

Today we piled into the van to go to the pediatrician's, and my boys put a CD in the player they had been working on at church. One of their teachers wrote a worship song with them, drawing from many different Psalms. They needed to rehearse because next week all the 4th-6th grade kids are singing it with their teacher up on stage.

The second stanza was all it took. I cried all the way to our doctor's office,  listening to the words and the teacher's voice. It wasn't professional by any means, but it was another moment orchestrated by God to flood a hurting soul with grace. Mine.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring for my boys, my daughter Beth, or myself, in terms of health. But I know when it gets heavy, God will be there.

He will be there in the middle of the achy, throbbing night.

He will be there when the site of another toilet roll gone, makes me want to cry.

He will be there when the sight of my sons' hands shock me yet again.

He will be there when my husband gets angry, rather than sad, at what we deal with. (Everyone grieves differently.)

The Lord will be there for us, and for you, in your hour of need.

I leave you with the worship song words, the ones that touched me so thoroughly today:

Expression of Psalm

We lift up our flags in the name of our God

We give thanks to the Lord

He is good

We sing for joy at the work of Your hands

We will praise you with all of our hearts


We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & our fortress

Our God, in Him will we trust

We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & our fortress

Our God, in Him will we trust


O Lord our God in You is our hope

How excellent is Your name

You are our help and deliverer

Our strong and mighty God



We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & our fortress

Our God, in Him will we trust

We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & fortress

Our God in Him will we trust



We give honor

To God our Savior

We will shout with joy

When you win the battle

We will not be moved

He is our defense

We shall not be moved


We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & our fortress

Our God, in Him will we trust

We will say of the Lord

He's our refuge & fortress

Our God in Him will we trust

What encouraged you today?

Let the Women Guide the House

Standing in line at the grocery store one winter’s eve, tears of shame fell down my cheeks. Stress had gotten the better of me and when I left the house, I’d slammed the front door shut, announcing my departure.

And that slam? It came after an angry verbal tirade about sharing a house with five people who never clean up their messes. Why does everyone treat me like a maid? How can I do everything? How can we have a Bible study at all, if I’m the only one picking up?

I love our Bible Study, but so many times I questioned the wisdom of hosting and teaching a Bible study in our home. The stress of preparing and the sinning that went on in the hours before the study were downright hypocritical, and I knew it. The irony of teaching Biblical principles after I’d lost my temper with my own family multiple times that day, was never lost on me.

Fortunately, my husband is the usual teacher, while I sit in shame, hoping my family will forgive me yet again.

So there I was in line that night, groceries in my cart, the Bible Study already two hours behind me. Remembering my sins, I fought the tears, feeling miserable and confused.

Lord, you know my heart. I want to be a loving wife and mother, and yet the stress is so intense that sometimes, I just snap. What can I do differently, Father?  Show me.

In 1 Timothy 5:14, it says that women are to guide the house. 

 1 Timothy 5:14

 “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”

Husbands are the spiritual leaders and we are to respect and obey them, but the affairs of the household? They are a women’s responsibility to manage, and it’s not a job to take lightly.

Children must be trained, discipled, fed, clothed. There are dishes to do, toilets to scrub, socks and underwear to be put away in drawers. There are meals to plan, shopping to do, bills to pay, and paperwork to process.

And that’s not all. Extracurricular activities scream at us too. If you’re an average American, there are sports teams to work around, committee meetings to attend, and cupcakes to make. There’s that sweet family next door who needs a meal after surgery or childbirth.

They can all be good choices, but we can’t have everything. If we follow after Jesus, we can’t be the average American. He calls us to be set apart, which sometimes means making tough, lonely choices.

How do we discern right from wrong in our scheduling, so we can guide the house with a gentle and quiet spirit, rather than with a lion’s ferocity? What does Jesus want from us?

He wants our worship. He wants us to have no other gods before Him. When we heed this, our affairs fall in line accordingly.

Keeping up with the Joneses in any sense, whether financially or in extracurricular activities, is always a mistake. The world and Facebook push us to create a certain image, and it often involves having it all: perfect kids, perfect house, perfect vacation, and perfect job.

The stress of creating and maintaining an image robs us not only of time, but of joy, too. The sin involved? It’s pride, disguised but ugly. Pride makes us follow the world’s cues, instead of the Lord’s. And fear is there too. We’re afraid of standing alone, of not fitting in.

When I feel like stress is out of control in my home, I turn to the Bible to check my priorities, because the tone at home is my responsibility, as guider of the household. Am I spending time in the Word and in prayer? Am I leaving my burdens at the Lord’s feet? Am I spending enough time at home? Is the house a mess because I’m failing to train the children, or because I’m guilty of idleness? Am I employing sound organizational techniques and sticking with them? Am I spending wisely, buying only what we need, and purging the clutter regularly? Am I making meal plans and chore plans and following through?

A well-run home and a gentle and quiet spirit are not out of our reach, for the Lord never leaves us alone. When he commands, he supports. Here is what I’ve learned:

1.       Focus on God first, then family; create a devotional plan.

2.       Pray for wisdom and guidance.

3.       Confess sins.

4.       Don’t blame others for your shortcomings.

5.       Learn to say no…to extracurriculars, to frivolous Facebook, to any time wasters.

6.       If an activity can’t build God’s Kingdom, consider cutting it out; keep the activities that focus on loving the Lord and loving our neighbors as ourselves.

7.       Pray for a Titus 2 woman to come into your life…one who will pray for you, teach you, and hold you accountable.

8.       Cut your schedule down considerably while you’re still developing your organizational skills. Show obedience in the small things first, and then expand your schedule appropriately.

9.       Jesus spent all his time with his disciples, except when he was in private prayer. Discipling is hard work requiring long hours. The Lord wants us to invest ourselves in our children’s hearts, teaching Christ, showing His love.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates

10.   Know the true source of joy. It isn’t Facebook likes or accolades the world gives. It isn’t even family, children, or holiday get-togethers, though all of those do bless. Communion with God’s Holy Spirit brings joy. The only true joy. Your gentle and quiet spirit? It comes from joy within.

 I hope this blesses, rather than condemns. Love to you, friends. We can do this.

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Homeschool and Mother's Journal, Dec. 5

In my life this week…

My son passed me his strep throat infection, so it's been a week of ibuprofen, and today I started on an antibiotic. As long as I don't let the ibuprofen wear off, I've been able to do full days of mothering, teaching, homemaking, and grocery shopping.

But I"ll have to admit, lying down sounds really, really good.

The strep might have invited something else, but it's too soon to be sure. I'll give some background to help explain.

My youngest daughter, turning five this weekend, was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of two and a half. It started in one knee and we thought she'd injured it; the swelling was significant. Less than a month later swelling began in the other knee, and it only took minor research for me to learn the difficult news, and make an appointment with a rheumatologist to confirm.

Six months later it began in her left ankle as well, but no more joints are expected. (It's rare to add more joints after the first six months of the disease).

This is an auto-immune disease, and the tendency to develop such diseases is strongly inherited, but it takes an illness or injury to trigger the actual symptoms.

This week, it's seeming like I have rheumatoid arthritis pain in my right ankle. A strep infection is just the thing to trigger rheumatoid arthritis or other auto-immune disease, and this disease hits women between 40 and 60 years old. Hormone fluctuation, like in perimenopause, can be a factor too.

I don't have health insurance right now, so my first plan of action is to watch it and see if it continues to behave as my daughter's disease does, with pain being worse in the morning and after periods of sitting. Also, if the swelling persists for another couple days, I will start on daily naprosen (anti-inflammatory), which is one of my daughter's treatment drugs. Failing to treat the swelling eventually leads to joint damage.

Adults with rheumatoid arthritis can get ugly, deformed joints, but this is not a feature of Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. My daughter has opportunity, statistically speaking (50%), to grow out of her arthritis before puberty or in her teens. Adults never grow out of RA, but it can go into remission with the use of serious drugs, like methotrexate (an immunosuppressant drug commonly used to fight cancer and rheumatoid arthritis), which my daughter is on.

This is something I'm mostly pushing out of my mind as I go about my day, as you can imagine, but when I realized what it could be (I did not injure my ankle recently, or ever before), I can't say I was surprised. There are extended family members (maternal aunt and her daughter) with MS, which is also auto-immune.

With four kids and homeschooling and homemaking, all I can do is push the unpleasant things aside, and arm myself with Scripture and prayer, knowing the Lord has a plan.

 In our homeschooling this week…




Sonlight Photo


The boys, 10 and 11, are reading three missionary books for the China portion of Sonlight's Eastern Hemisphere curriculum: Mission to Cathay, by Madeleine Polland, God's Adventurer by Phyllis Thompson, and Eric Liddell: Something Greater Than Gold, by the Benges. They read a chapter a day in each, and Momma assigned them A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, which they're reading at a rate of 10 pages a day.









We've also read these Christmas books as a family:



Christmas Tree Farm, by Ann Purmell

This is an enjoyable book that will give your primary science curriculum a decidedly Christmasy flare.

School Library Journal Synopsis: A boy tells how his family's Christmas tree farm requires yearlong work, from planting seedlings to weeding, pruning, measuring, cutting, and baling. Energetic, naive gouache-and-acrylic illustrations accompany the narrative, which will give children an inside look at the workings of a family-owned business.





Christmas Farm, by Mary Lyn Ray

I found these illustrations quite charming and the story equally so. A nice one to add to your shelf this month.

“This lovely tale celebrates intergenerational friendship and determination, growth and nature, and the joy of the holiday season.” —School Library Journal

Publisher Synopsis: When Wilma decides her garden needs a new beginning, she gathers string, scissors, shovels, sixty-two dozen balsam seedlings, and Parker, her five-year-old neighbor. Year after year, Wilma and Parker nurture their trees, keeping careful count of how many they plant, how many perish, and how many grow to become fine, full Christmas trees. A cozy, holiday read-aloud and a lyrical way to usher in the month of December.





The Money We'll Save, by Brock Cole

This story is fun, fun, fun! Sit the whole family down for some laughs.

Publisher Synopsis: When Pa brings a turkey poult home to fatten for Christmas dinner, he assures Ma that it will be no trouble since it can live in a box by the stove and eat table scraps—and just think of the money we'll save! But it's not quite so simple to raise a turkey in a tiny flat in a nineteenth-century New York City tenement. Can Pa and the children manage the willful and growing Alfred and keep the neighbors happy until Christmas? Pa finds a solution for every difficulty—until he encounters one that threatens to ruin Christmas completely. How the family joins together to solve this last difficulty makes for a very funny and satisfying holiday story.

First Grade Goings On: I added a book from my first grade teaching years into Mary's (age 7 next week) spelling/reading curriculum.




As she encounters new word families in her Sing, Spell, Read, Write student readers, I will teach the corresponding lessons from this book.

Today I gave her these letters: a, e, h, l, m, n, p, s, t (Lesson 53)

And then I asked her to manipulate the letters to spell these words, one at a time, by rearranging, adding, or removing letters:

ate
mate
meat
heat
hate
Nate
neat
peat
pleat
plate
late
slate
plates

Ahead of time, the teacher writes the words on word cards and after the spelling lesson, the student sorts the word cards by word family. Then the student practices the common pattern eat in "The Pumpkin Eater" and "Little Miss Muffet", which are provided in the book to photocopy, use in a reading lesson, and color and display.

Mary had a blast and she's got the ea vowel digraph down pretty well. Hands-on is what my girl needs.

Lesson 1 in this book starts out far simpler:

Letters: a, c, m, n, p, r, t

Make: cap, map, tap, rap, nap, pan, ran, tan, can, man

Practice: common pattern an in "Simple Simon", and "Georgy Porgy"

Reading researchers in 1970 identified 37 phonograms which could be found in almost 500 primary grade words. These 37 phonograms make up the 55 lessons in this book:

ack
ame
at
ell
ight
ink
op
ump
ail
an
ate
est
ill
ip
ore
unk
ain
ank
aw
ice
in
it
ot
ake
ap
ay
ick
ine
ock
uck
ale
ash
eat
ide
ing
oke
ug

My favorite thing this week was…

Putting up the Christmas tree with the kids this afternoon. Buying ingredients for some major cookie baking over the next week, hopefully.

My kiddos favorite thing this week was…

Definitely the Christmas tree! What child doesn't love a Christmas tree.

I'm cooking:

My son Peter helped a lot with cooking this week. Both my boys, when they cook with me, end up giving me spontaneous hugs, which I think is indicative of how bonding it is, preparing meals together.

garlic cheddar chicken
spaghetti
potato soup
turkey burgers
chicken noodle soup
taco bake
baked ziti

I’m grateful for…

~ Things don't go perfectly around here, but we continue in our Bibles and with prayer, and God's grace prevails. I'm always thankful for that.

~ loving husband

~ online friends, so kind and sweet

~ hot cocoa

~ good reads and warm blankets

~ brushing my girls' beautiful hair

~ learning along with my children

~ Beth's love for dolls

~ watching Mary grow in her studies, and Beth too

~ penpals

~ forgiveness

~ candy canes (not me, just the kids. I'm not a hard or sticky candy person at all.)

~ peanut butter blossoms

I’m praying for…

We're still praying for my father-in-law, almost 91-years-old, who is back at home alone in Florida, after leaving the rehabiliation facility against his doctor's wishes. The injury he sustained in a fall three months ago has healed, and he's pretty much told us he wants to die naturally at home when his time comes. He won't take any medicine or follow any doctor's orders. He can't do much, but he still makes simple meals and gets himself in and out of bed, the bathroom, and his chair. He won't move up here (Ohio) to live with us, nor will he go into an assisted living facility. He has one neighbor who looks in on him, does his grocery shopping, and brings in his mail, with whom we are in contact. We also call Grandpa ourselves several times a week, and my husband will visit him in February, which is when we can afford it.

Also praying from our weekly list.

A quote to share:

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” — William Arthur Ward

Thank you for reading, and how was your week?

Lessons From King Solomon

The rapid strep test last week was negative, but today they called to say that, yes, Peter has strep.

Stress.

The culture is more accurate than the rapid test. The rest of us have a 24% chance of contracting it, but still, I was in a hurry to get that antibiotic going, though Peter's body had healed on its own, as is usual for strep. In 24 hours the antibiotic takes care of contagious bacteria and keeps strep from spreading in the body and causing dangerous complications.

If my husband and I contract this illness, that's $50 out the window for doctor visits, plus the money for the medicine.

Stress.

Out we go to the van, headed for the pharmacy, to find the battery dead for the second time in a month.

Stress.

Peter's tics and OCD are causing him great stress, and in turn he's behaving poorly. I never know what causes these flares in symptoms, but I try very hard to keep the schedule routine. Maybe illness causes flares? Strep can cause a flare called PANDAS, which worsens mental disorders like tics and OCD. A flare is simplifying it, but you get the idea. This probably hasn't happened, but my son is sure miserable.

Stress.

Beth's speech is still not up to par, despite a year of speech therapy. My father, visiting yesterday, said he couldn't understand her. We understand everything, and no one complains at church or AWANA, but still, the idea that she's progressing so slowly?

Stress.

When things snowball like this, what can we do?

My first instinct is...stop everything and write a gratitude list. I know God will take care of all these stressful issues, and a gratitude list reminds me of His love and faithfulness. Yes, today is a bad day, but spiritual blessings spill over in my life and my heart is full. With the Lord, I am never alone and the answers never depend on my wisdom, but on His.

We finished the book of Matthew and are now reading 1 Kings for our morning devotions, and the boys are reading it additionally for school. I read the commentary aloud on the verses as well, which they don't have the discipline to do yet.

We learned how pleased God was when Solomon asked for wisdom.

1 Kings 3:7-14

⁷ “Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. ⁸ Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. ⁹ So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?”
¹⁰ The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. ¹¹ So God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, ¹² I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. ¹³ Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both wealth and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. ¹⁴ And if you walk in obedience to me and keep my decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.”

I know that instead of spending a long time researching batteries and the problem of Ford Winstar batteries going dead frequently, and reading countless hours about my son's mental disorders or about strep, or about speech articulation issues, I should first and foremost, ask God for wisdom. After God hears my prayer for wisdom, I can proceed freely through my day, knowing that my prayer was the most effective response to my day.

As my children's principal discipler (husband works 54 hours a week), I need to get this right. They need to see a healthy, knee-jerk, Solomon-inspired response to every stress incident.

Have stress? Pray.

Have stress, pray.

Have stress, pray. 

Have stress, pray.

Have stress, pray.

Prayer Time: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the abundant spiritual blessings in my life. Thank you for your sacrifice on the cross, for the open relationship it gives us with our Heavenly Father. Thank you for 1 Kings, and for Solomon's request for wisdom and what it teaches us about appropriate responses to life. We desire to please you and be instruments of your glory. Thank you for the stressful days and how they become object lessons in my discipleship efforts with my children. Thank you for Peter's mental disorders, and Paul's ever developing OCD, and Beth's arthritis and speech issues. Thank you that life is not easy. Thank you that I need you, desperately.We ask for wisdom and comfort, Lord.

In Jesus' name, Amen

Gratitude List:

~ residing in America where we can have devotions and worship the Lord in our home without fear

~ that my children love the Lord

~ that medicine has progressed enough to prevent dangerous complications

~ that God has a plan for every day, and a purpose for every issue in our lives, though he didn't cause them

~ prayer and how it softens children's hearts, and our hearts

~ a working washer and dryer, furnace, water heater, refrigerator

~ Compassion International

~ going to the consignment shop for snow boots for Paul, and finding a holiday sale, allowing two for one outfits. Beth now has 4 new Lands' End winter dresses, which are our favorites.

From the children

~ shelter and warmth

~ our clothes

~ our beds

~ siblings and parents

~ games (marbles, Rummikub, tiddly winks, Trouble, our Geography game)

~ our birthdays

~ pretty dresses

~ cakes (Beth's birthday is this Sunday)

~ food

~ friends

~  a good Momma who takes good care of me and loves me (from Mary--I promise I didn't bribe her to say this :)

What are you thankful for?

Cross references:

1. 1 Kings 3:7 : Nu 27:17; 1Ch 22:5; 29:1; Jer 1:6
2. 1 Kings 3:8 : S Dt 7:6
3. 1 Kings 3:8 : S Ge 12:2; 15:5; S 1Ch 27:23
4. 1 Kings 3:9 : S 2Sa 14:17; Jas 1:5
5. 1 Kings 3:9 : S Dt 1:16
6. 1 Kings 3:9 : 2Co 2:16
7. 1 Kings 3:11 : Jas 4:3
8. 1 Kings 3:11 : 1Ch 22:12
9. 1 Kings 3:12 : 1Jn 5:14-15
10. 1 Kings 3:12 : S 2Sa 14:20; 1Ki 4:29, 30, 31; 5:12; 10:23; Ecc 1:16
11. 1 Kings 3:13 : Mt 6:33; Eph 3:20
12. 1 Kings 3:13 : Pr 3:1-2, 16; 8:18
13. 1 Kings 3:13 : 1Ki 10:23; 2Ch 9:22; Ne 13:26
14. 1 Kings 3:14 : 1Ki 9:4; Ps 25:13; 101:2; 128:1; Pr 3:1-2, 16
15. 1 Kings 3:14 : Ps 61:6

Holiday Gatherings and Redeeming Family Dysfunction

Thanksgiving's just past and if you spent time with family, chances are some raw pain resurfaced.

My father, 74, is on his fifth wife. He flew in from Vegas to spend five and a half days in Ohio, accompanied by his 17- and 19-year-old daughters from his fourth marriage.

Yes, my family is complicated. 

I have 1 full-blood sibling, a sister two years my senior, residing in Oregon, whom I haven't seen in 9 years. I also have 5 half-siblings: 1 from my mom's second marriage, a brother with whom I grew up but haven't seen in 9 years; 2 from my father's third marriage, a brother and sister with whom I've had little contact in the past 2 decades; and 2 from my father's fourth marriage, both sisters, with whom I've had little contact in the last 8 years.

If your own family is more complicated than that, surely you deserve a hug. 

Here is it: Squeeze

While my father and two half-sisters were here in Ohio we saw them once, which was today, despite not seeing my dad in the last 4 years. He has a sister and a brother still living, and nieces and nephews who live here too, all of whom he spent time with. Today, however, my dad and sisters came for lunch and my dad paid little attention to my children, who are at times desperate for a grandparent's love. My half sisters, very sweet-spirited, loved on my children, thank goodness.

A grandparent, like a parent, must be sacrificial to fill a child's love cup. Children are precious and lively, but playing their board games is not always fun. Spending time with them just because it would bless them and not because it promises to be fun, is what we all hope for in grandparents for our children.

Grandparents don't bless with their money, although some try that. Really, they bless with their time.

Love is a verb and an investment...with no reciprocal promise. It's a risk and a sacrifice because it involves time and heart and saying no to other possibly more attractive choices. My heart aches for someone to come along and decide that my children are a worthwhile investment--because Jesus asked us to love as he did. Sacrificially.

My children are not perfect, being a tad too bouncy, but they're sweet and fun. They'll almost always sit still for games and art and stories. There are ways, if someone's interested, to curb their bounciness.

Each time my mother comes (her husband, my step-father, stays home in Oregon when she visits), or my father appears, my hopes for my kids are dashed. My mother and my father both, on visits here, put my kids last, after fun activities with their siblings, such as going out to dinner, shopping, visits to neighboring states, etc.

The most intimidating people to me are always those with seemingly perfect upbringings. People who were seriously invested in, intimidate me because they have so much going for them. It's not a jealousy thing so much as an inferiority complex.

Somehow--and I don't quite understand it--our self-esteem suffers for a lifetime when our parents make dysfunctional choices during our upbringings and beyond. I guess our minds think...if someone was invested in, then they must be worthwhile, right? If we, in contrast, weren't invested in enough, our minds assume we weren't worthy of anyone's time or heart. 

It's all subconscious thinking, however, so it's hard to combat.

We usually manage to forgive our parents or guardians, if necessary, sometime in our thirties, but this doesn't mean their past and present choices cease to hurt us.

In our thirties we usually have children of our own; we have an inkling about how hard parenting is. Aware of our own mistakes, we're more capable of forgiving our parents' mistakes. We may know what perfect parenting sounds like and looks like, but in our humanness, we can't achieve it. We never will.

So our love for our own imperfect parents becomes a sacrificial love...a forgiving love. We love them not because they deserve it, but because Jesus loved us when we didn't deserve it. We love them in Jesus' name.

I'm not fond of my dad. I hate his dysfunction, which even at the age of 74, persists. But when he came today, frail and slow-moving because of a past stroke and kidneys working at just under 30%, I had to forgive him, even as he failed to love my children right before my eyes. When the old get older and weaker, we manage a deeper layer of forgiveness as we witness their decline.

When parents can't love as we wish, we can do little about it, except what Jesus does with our imperfect love for Him. He keeps on forgiving, keeps on loving, with no reciprocal promise.

Tonight, I hope all of us with familial pain and disappointment choose love. The best way to redeem the past is to love more. Dysfunction comes from too little love, too little sacrifice, too little forgiveness.

We can do better for our own children, burying for good dysfunctional patterns of old in our family line--not achieving perfection, but progress. For example, we can stay married, despite the trying times. We can be sacrificial and choose not what we want, but what will bless. 

Reminder to self: You want to build a legacy of love, so live like it.

~ Every day, choose love. It is a choice.

~ Every day, ask for the Lord's counsel and comfort, knowing earthly love, from anyone, is not enough.

~ Every day, say no to your desires and yes to your children's hearts.

~ Every day, look upon your mate graciously, remembering that when you choose to love him, you are also loving your children, who need him and want him, and need you to love him.

~ Every day, speak to your children of their Heavenly Father's love--always perfect, always enough.

~ Every day, get on your knees, praying your children's way through, and your way through.

~ Every day, pick yourself up when you fail and get back on the horse, because tomorrow is a new day.

A new chance to say yes to love, and yes to a godly legacy.