Discernment In 2015

One of the more damaging things that dysfunctional homes produce, particularly substance-addiction homes, is children who grow up confusing pity with love. At adolescence these children choose boyfriends or girlfriends they pity, thinking they're in love. They choose friends they pity, thinking they can rescue them. Or they choose friends unwisely simply because, deep down, they don't think they deserve any better.

I have confused pity with love my whole life, and it wasn't until this year, having silenced my mom's voice in my life through an ultimatum--stop drinking and verbally abusing me, or I stop the relationship--that I've become completely conscious of my dysfunctional pitying.

Like so many of my posts, this one is primarily me preaching to myself about past mistakes so I won't repeat them. My word for 2015 is discernment.

Here are a few examples of my folly.

Example 1

There was a 70-year-old woman in our former church who didn't have any family support, no children of her own, who had come out of an abusive childhood home (physical and mental abuse). Abrasive at times, judgmental, and gossipy, she loved attention and would go to great lengths to get it, even monopolizing Bible studies with her grandstanding, exaggerating situations to garner pity, and manipulating people for her own ends. Truly, she only cared about herself and used people at will, but there was some kindness there at times--perhaps just enough to rope people in.

When her Bible study leaders, a married couple, sat down with her and told her she had to change her behavior or not come back to study, she called me and poured out her sob story, garnering much pity, even as I sympathized with her study leaders, being acquainted with her dysfunctional personality myself. What did I do, with my pitying ways? With husband's permission I started a Bible study here for "my friend" and her husband and one other family, with the permission of her former study leaders (the husband being an elder).

They came once and then came up with excuses (and sometimes we had to cancel due to illness), primarily because it wasn't large enough for her to get any real attention, and she didn't want a Bible study. She wanted attention and pity.

When her husband fell on some ice and became partially disabled for a season, she would call and ask to come over and watch a family movie with us, while still not being available for Bible studies. She was desperate for fellowship, she would say, but it always came out the same--her being an attention monger and subtly abrasive, while not really caring about us (isn't true fellowship a give and take?), or even really caring about her husband, although it took time for me to see this truth.

The other family (mother and two adult daughters. one of whom was severely disabled) came for several months, but I had to discontinue it because of worsening anxiety disorders here, and because I learned this family already belonged to six Bible studies. They certainly didn't need another, especially if it was stressful for us, the Bible study invite having included a dinner here beforehand.

I hate quitting things and feel like a failure every time it happens, but I chronically overextend myself and have to quit something at least a couple times a year. This overcommiting is another characteristic of adult children of alcoholics. They try to rescue so many people, they end up messing up their own lives.

That's where I drew the line when deciding whether to quit something: My children come first. God blessed me with them as my primary ministry and responsibility, outside of being a wife.

Some adult children of alcoholics grow up to drink themselves and attract enablers, rather than trying to rescue people (or they do both). I ended up with the least damaging characteristics, and for that I'm grateful to God, who had his hand in my life even before I sought him.

Example 2

We have a neighbor boy who lives with his grandmother, who has raised him since he was 18 months old, following the death of his mother. He came to Bible study here for two years, but that ended recently, and he also accompanies us to AWANA. Learning that three nights per week he had to go with his grandmother on her night-time custodial jobs, lasting until 10 PM, I offered to watch him a couple nights a week. His grandmother initially said she was thinking about asking for my help anyway. She indicated she would call me the next week to discuss it.

Instead of ever calling, she just came to the door one day the next week, and dropped him off, telling me he had autism, anger issues, depression, and ADHD. This gave me no option, without hurting the child, of backing out, in my mind. I hadn't noticed all of these disorders when he came for Bible study. He was relatively easy to deal with in our prior experience, and it didn't seem like it would be an over-extension to help them out.

I didn't like the way she handled it up front, as we weren't prepared for him that first day. Not to mention, I already have my hands full with my own children's disorders. But it felt like the right thing to do, so we gave it a try.

His behavior became problematic within two weeks, primarily because he was here far more hours and became overly comfortable, not caring about displaying his best guest behavior. There were other hardships entailed in the endeavor, including that he frequently came while ill. Over his Christmas holiday from school, we prepared for him as usual, but he never came those two weeks, and we didn't get a phone call. I couldn't go anywhere those days, expecting him at 4 PM each of our non-holiday babysitting afternoons.

He showed up at my door again after he returned to school, with no explanation or phone call. I had called the previous day to say we had the flu, just in case he showed up, but they didn't get the message.

Today I wrote her a note, giving her all the reasons I couldn't continue to help right now--there were four legitimate reasons--and I offered to watch him just once a week after cold and flu season was over, in early May. Beth's arthritis gets worse with each virus, since the autoimmune response to illnesses causes the disease to attack her joints even more. And her immunosuppressant drug makes illness problematic for another reason, although she's made it through the flu without a doctor visit, thank the Lord.

Example 3

I have tried to help other neighborhood kids, telling our friend Lexie to come two afternoons a week for homework help. This child, after already being held back in early elementary, was seriously behind in her first year of middle school, failing most classes.

She either didn't show up on the designated homework days, or she showed up and wasn't interested in doing her homework for more than ten minutes. She wanted to play or have my undivided attention. She and her mother were taking advantage of me. Neither truly cared about this young lady's school performance (her mother refused to work with her, the reasons for which I'm unaware).

I still tried to counsel where I could when she came over to play (which happened less and less as she neared 13 years old) but otherwise I stepped away from this family, who also tried to chronically show up here while ill.

Their mother drinks, which is why I initially felt pulled to help change the course of our young friend's future (education giving her options for success, for example), but in the first few years we knew her, I was unaware of her mother's drinking. The brother came over for mostly outside playtime starting last summer, and he has his own serious problems.

Unfortunately, our young friend Lexie was recently sent back to fifth grade, which is probably all the schools could think of as a solution, given the family's failure to engage. The mother blamed the school problems on her daughter's ADHD, and on the school's failure to make allowances for her daughter's "handicap". Really, that was the easy way out, although I do believe Lexie has learning disabilities. But, she played outside all over the neighborhood and beyond until dark most nights, failing to do any homework. As she gained friends on other streets she was less and less engaged here, and I quickly gave up, perceiving that I wanted her to succeed more than she wanted it herself.

Some people who need help don't want it. They just want attention, but on their terms. They like to complain, but won't listen to solutions or follow through with them. They want your sympathy, your time, your energy, and any other resources you'll give them, but they don't want to behave responsibly or maturely, and unless you're a counselor, you may be wasting your time.

I just got a phone message from the 70-year-old woman from my former church, and it prompted me to sit down and preach this post to myself--warning me against pitying and enabling people who just want to suck me dry.

She left a long message, asking me to request that my children pray for her husband, and telling me many things to garner my pity, while at the same time insulting me subtly. She indicated how much she missed my children, but in truth, when she's here she doesn't pay much attention to them. She just wants our full, undivided attention. The spotlight must be on her, or she's not fulfilled or happy with the situation. I made the mistake of sending her a Christmas card, I suppose, which prompted the call. I had stepped away from her and her ongoing dysfunction last fall.

I have no trouble holding my children accountable for any dysfunctional behavior, but with adults, I shy away from confrontation, unfortunately.

This year, 2015, I will stop making these same mistakes. I must wait when the desire to help (or pity) comes knocking at my heart. Does the person truly want help? Can I really afford the time and effort? Do they have a history of dysfunction, and as such did they find me gullible and attractive as a target? How will it impact my family? What does the Word say? Can I love them through prayer instead? What is my primary motivation in wanting to help--is it love or pity? Prompted by the Word, or something else?

I enjoy immensely the time I spend loving our Compassion children--it's a worthy effort and absolutely deserving of our time and money. I must focus my efforts on my family and these worthy endeavors, and give all the other situations to God.

People stuck in dysfunctional lifestyles don't need other people necessarily, they need God. They need a teachable heart, a repentant heart, a saved heart. Until God gives them that, or until they tire of living in dysfunction and they're motivated to improve, they must be approached with utmost caution.

Romans 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

Romans 2:6 Who will render to every man according to his deeds

Galatians 6:5 For each will have to bear his own load.

Have you had similar experiences? How do you discern who to help, and who to leave to the Lord?

Flu 2015, Part 2

Well, it's all six of us now, down with the flu. Two of my kids vomited until their stomachs emptied, and two others only vomited once. After the initial emptying they were able to tolerate Gatorade and then crackers a few hours later. Unlike a stomach virus, this vomiting is not persistent, but it can cause fear in children, making them reluctant to eat or drink. A few sips at a time builds their confidence. Neither my husband nor myself have felt nausea and we've been able to eat most foods, just less.

The coughing and congestion are much worse than you experience with a cold virus, so heating some water in a small saucepan until just before boiling, and bringing it to the table to sit over with a towel forming a tent, will help ward off sinus and ear pain and keep you out of the doctor's office. If you let the congestion build up, it takes several steam sessions to bring significant relief, but the pain will decrease somewhat even after the first session. Have the children do this too.

Long illnesses can bring on depression, so it helped that I stocked up on movies from the library when Paul first fell ill. The movies help take our minds off our symptoms, but there have been times all of us were too sick to watch a movie. Our voices are weak, so I could only read a couple picture books.

I think Paul picked this up at a local college basketball game, which they've been going to more frequently because an 80-year-old woman that volunteers at husband's work church gives him tickets when she and her sister can't go. There's a fine line between not living a full life due to fear, and being prudent about illness risks. If we didn't have auto-immune arthritis and asthma here, I wouldn't need to be so concerned, but right now at least, I'm regretting that basketball game.

Amber, I feel for you going through this so long last fall. It makes life pass by so slowly, but I'm trying to find the blessings too. I'm witnessing the magnificence of the human immune system and that makes me give thanks to God.

Flu 2015: Notes From the Trenches

Six-year-old Beth is on an immunosuppressant drug for her arthritis, so I follow flu seasons closely. I keep her out of church classes and AWANA about half the time (when I'm not teaching), if the flu shot is not a good match to the prevailing virus. This year, 90% of sufferers are getting a more severe strain--one not included in the season's vaccine.

Flu activity went to widespread levels in most states shortly after Christmas. Every year there's an epidemic, so don't panic after reading the suddenly frequent news stories about flu 2015. The very young and very old, and the immuno-compromised, die from flu every year, and this year is no exception.

Paul, age 11, is on his third day of severe flu, with his fever once going as high as 105.6 degrees. I panicked somewhat as I haven't seen temps that high, but I got it down to 103 degrees within 30 minutes with full-body cold towels changed frequently, starting with the head and feet (and ibuprofen). Don't assume you need to see a doctor just because there's a high fever. Pay more attention to symptoms than fevers, but take the child's temperature often.

Here's what I've learned:

~ Be prepared. Stock up on Gatorade in a couple flavors and chill it when someone gets sick. It tastes awful at room temperature. Choose 100% juices that everyone likes and keep them untouched in the pantry. Buy crackers, Cheerios, and other bland foods. At first sign of illness, bake a chicken so you can prepare chicken noodle soup--a big pot with leftovers. Bone broth made at home is very healthy. Make a casserole big enough for leftovers to feed those who are still well, and in case you get sick. Buy fever reducers in bulk because it may go through the whole family. Each person will consume a lot of medicine during a five-day illness. Buy OTC medicines that will help with secondary infections--in case of sinus infections, ear infections, urinary-tract infections, etc. Severe flu makes secondary infections more likely.

~ The virus can't survive at 103 degrees, and that's why our bodies spike high fevers. That said, don't assume in the absence of fever that it can't be flu. Not everyone gets a fever with influenza.

~ Pick a sick room and keep sick children confined. The more who fall ill, the worse off Mom will be when she gets it, due to the middle of the night care required. I care for Paul with him on the couch and me over him but not in the field of his coughs. I wash my hands each time I give him care, and I use disinfectant on anything he touches. The virus is spread through respiratory droplets in the air or on surfaces. Cough germs travel about a meter and don't usually linger in the air long, but I've seen different stats regarding this.

~ High fevers (102 degrees +) cause rapid breathing. Don't mistake this for a pneumonia sign. I did that once and Beth was given a chest x-ray she didn't really need. Chest x-rays given between the ages of 10 and early adulthood are one risk factor for breast cancer. If you take a child in, there are likely to be unnecessary tests so the doctors don't miss anything and get sued. Wait for the fever to go down a degree, and then reevaluate the breathing. Children starting out healthy don't usually get pneumonia with flu, but it can happen. Look at the chest--a sucked-in look between the ribs indicates some respiratory distress and should be evaluated. Flaring nostrils is also a distress sign, but a lesser one. I usually give my older son his inhaler when I see the flaring nostrils accompanied by a constant cough.

~ The incubation period is 2 to 4 days, with 2 days being average. We are contagious 1 to 2 days before we become ill. Children can be contagious 10 days, or longer if they are immunocompromised.

~ If you catch it within 24 to 48 hours, you can get an anti-viral medicine from your doctor that will shorten the flu by 1 to 2 days.

~ Keep asthma under control so you're ready if the flu hits. Asthma can potentially be a risk factor for a more severe illness.

~ Paul had a sore throat the first day and slowed down just a little. The second day he could move around somewhat, and the sore throat was somewhat better, but the fever began. The third day seems to be the worst. He's very weak and running a constant temperature, and isn't getting up unless he has to. He should start turning the corner on day 4 or 5, according to my phone conversation with the pediatrician. Most people are well within 3 to 7 days, with fatigue and cough lingering longer.

~ You've probably read that fevers about 106 degrees can cause brain damage, but keep in mind that our bodies don't generally spike fevers during illnesses that are higher than about 105 to 105.5. The Lord knew what he was doing when he created our immune systems. If you panic and try to get fevers back to near normal, you're handicapping the immune system's response to the virus.

~ The chills can be severe with flu, but don't over do it with sweatshirts and blankets, as that will spike fevers higher than you want. A fever of about 103 degrees is a good thing for the circulating virus this year, but children younger than 5 years old need more attention and caution with higher fevers.

~ I find ibuprofen to be better than Tylenol for lowering fevers, but that may only be true in our house. You can piggyback the two medicines, but wait 3 hours after ibuprofen to give the Tylenol. Give ibuprofen every 6 hours. It's likely the medicines won't lower the fever more than to about 102 degrees, and that's okay.

~ Younger children can vomit with the flu, but with older children and adults it's individual. (Peter got sick in the PM today and did vomit.) Ibuprofen on an empty stomach can cause nausea or minor vomiting. Paul vomited once when I had to give him ibuprofen at 3AM. I gave it right away again after he stopped, the second time without water. I believe the water was a mistake, given his empty stomach and the fever combined. I use liquid-form ibuprofen. The dissolving or chewable tablets are more expensive. (Water always makes nausea worse for me, during migraines.)

~ Give a few sips of Gatorade every ten minutes around the clock during the day, if nausea becomes an issue. I learned this trick when Mary once had a severe stomach virus.

~ Keep crackers around so children can avoid an empty stomach. If they can't keep ibuprofen down, ask about Zofran, which is an anti-nausea med used for cancer patients (dissolves on the tongue, then you swallow). It's also used when someone needs to keep medicine down. Zofran reacts with a lot of medicines, so ask your pharmacy before giving it to children other than the one it's prescribed for.

~ Peppermint candy or ginger tea will also ward off nausea. Have any candy canes left over?

~ My kids start looking skinny fast during severe illnesses, but they gain it back within two weeks of being well again, so don't get upset about a temporary gaunt-like physique.

~ I have no help as my aunt is in Florida for the winter. If help is available to you, enlist it early so you don't get severely ill from being a run-down nursemaid. Adults younger than 50 years old (and definitely younger than 65) are better helpers than the elderly, who are at risk for complications.

Has it hit your house this year? Let me know if you need a prayer partner.

Beware: Fundamentalism in Homeschooling

It may surprise you, but I'm out of the homeschool loop as represented by homeschooling conventions, which are not only about school curriculum, but increasingly about parenting and lifestyle teachings, some of which are radical. I've never been to a conference and haven't felt the need, given the extensive research you can do online about any curriculum.

From my recent research, I know that certain things have been prominent at the homeschool conference circuit over the years. For example, Patriarchy. The evangelical movement known as patriarchy = extremism. Examples of their rhetoric include: men have all the power in the family; wives should not vote so as not to negate their husband's vote; adult daughters should stay with their parents until they marry; girls shouldn't attend college because it's a waste of money (since they're going to be wives and mothers anyway); and finally, that all women should endeavor to have a quiverfull of children.

While some of this may be beneficial in some ways for some families, these all represent lifestyle choices, not scriptural mandates.

Big families certainly are a blessing--I won't deny that. I would love to have had more children myself. Parenting helps our faith and maturity grow as we deny ourselves for the sake of our children's legitimate needs. However, it isn't biblical to hint that one is less spiritual without a large family.

First, the Lord doesn't promise children or motherhood, or even marriage. Second, sometimes the health of the parents or the living children make it difficult to keep having children. Most days since my son's concussion last August, which seems to have worsened his OCD, and since the onset of Generalized Anxiety Disorder in my oldest daughter, I feel like I'm swimming in a mental illness mess. The days stretch me incredibly. They're hard and poignant, both.  I do have faith that God provides sufficient grace to handle many children, but still, without extended family support, large families are a handful.

Biblical Patriarchy came into vogue with fringe homeschoolers and fundamentalist evangelicals, based upon the teachings of the Vision Forum, as well as No Greater Joy Ministries, which features the Pearls and their dangerous parenting book To Train Up a Child (some parents have abused their children to death while following this pro-corporal punishment book), and another entity I only learned about yesterday--Bill Gothard and his multi-million dollar empire comprising Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) (homeschooling curriculum) and the Institute in Basic Life Principals (IBLP). (I'm not philosophically opposed to spanking, btw, just cautious of it. Even James Dobson states it doesn't work with strong-willed children.)

The Duggar family uses both of these Gothard resources (and some Duggar girls worked for them at their retreats), and Josh Duggar's brother-in-law works for Gothard's company. The Duggars had a close relationship with Vision Forum as well. Love them or hate them, the Duggars identify with the Quiverfull and Patriarchy movements, at least by association. I've never seen their reality show, but on their website they still feature Gothard's resources under "homeschool resources".

2014 rocked with scandals regarding the movement.  I remained in the dark until yesterday, which is probably a good thing for my heart and nerves. I learned about the serious issues and remain depressed today, despite never having used or followed any of these curriculums or parenting philosophies.

I fear that if homeschooling continues to be associated with these fringe groups, then the liberal NEA (teacher's union) will have more fuel for their anti-homeschool rhetoric and lobbying. Homeschooling is a fast-growing movement, encompassing secular and religious families across American and overseas as well, and it's a perceived threat in NEA minds. I put my faith in God, but I also recognize the massive power and influence the NEA enjoys.

I'm about to highlight some things to be aware of as you peruse online materials for discipleship or as homeschool material. Trigger alert for those who've been victims of abuse and suffer from PTSD. I don't give specific details, but you possibly shouldn't read on.

First Scandal - Bill Gothard

Bill Gothard had 30+ women/teens come forward claiming he sexually harassed them, encompassing many years of his ministry (ministry started in 1961; he is 79 now). In the past he resigned twice before due to similar scandals, but both times he went back to the helm a short time later. He resigned again this year, due to harassment allegations involving teenagers and young women, but an "independent" review found that though he lacked judgement in this behavior, he didn't do anything illegal. Most likely, he'll be back at the helm in the future. Recovering Grace is a ministry dedicated to helping victims of Gothard's abuse of spiritual power and twisted-scripture teachings. The teachings may not all be poor, but they're certainly a stretch of biblical truth (there are cult-like characteristics). The Recovering Grace website linked above gives details, as well as this alumni homeschool site, which is secular and neutral.

Second Scandal - Vision Forum

The man behind Vision Forum, Doug Phillips, harassed and was sexually involved with a nanny who worked for him and lived and traveled with his family. He admitted to wrongdoing and resigned, and Vision Forum Ministries dissolved late 2013, and the for-profit branch in early 2014, but I searched for and found Vision Forum materials on Christianbook.com, just today.

Third Scandal - The Old Schoolhouse Magazine

The family behind The Old Schoolhouse Magazine has a son who allegedly sexually abused some of his siblings and a cousin. This family is also accused of physically abusing all their children. At the time he abused the cousin, he, the perpetrator, was 14 years old, and the victim was 6 years old. That was in 2007. The cousin's family alleged that the Schoolhouse Magazine family apologized for their son's behavior, admitted it was grievous sin, and indicated they would step down from leadership and the speaking circuit in regards to their role at The Old Schoolhouse Magazine. They never did step down, and apparently they presented around the homeschool convention circuit without pause over the years, even bringing their troubled teen with them, and staying in the homes of homeschool families who hosted them, without disclosure of their son's past behavior.

The mother of the victim has tried over the years to persuade the family to give full disclosure, but it hasn't happened. Instead, they ostracized this mother, accusing her of gossip and unscriptural behavior. A biased mediator was called in but still the dispute remains ongoing. The Homeschool Legal Defense Association was called upon to get involved, but after ignoring the victim's mother's emails, their response in emails to concerned Facebook inquirers stated they don't get involved in personal disputes, and that their role remains that of defending the freedom to homeschool across America for all families, either religious or secular, and that they will not function as a police force for the homeschool community. (I don't disagree with their statement necessarily, but think it rude and insensitive not to have responded to the victim's mother in some way. Children should be protected, period, and they shouldn't have dismissed this mother in this way.)

HSLDA continues to be a sponsor of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which really bothers me, even though I'm not a member of HSLDA myself.

I found some vague reference to law enforcement being called in regarding the abuse of the cousin. The teen perpetrator apparently went to several counseling sessions afterwards, but because he was a minor, nothing more was done that I know of. I cannot confirm law enforcement involvement as I can't remember at which link I found the information. The teen's behavior is a definite red flag, as studies show people do not reform well from sexual perversion. Perpetrators can prey on as many as 100 children before they're caught.

Churches and religious groups are often considered safe havens by perpetrators, so always choose your children's church events wisely, and make sure there's plenty of oversight, including plenty of female oversite (preferred over married couples being together in children's ministry, who don't have to testify against each other). Volunteer yourself if you can, especially for overnight events.

My personal stance as a mother: We don't ever allow our children to go to other children's homes, except briefly outdoors where we can see them. We also never leave them with our friends or acquaintances. I have one aunt who helps in emergencies. This is extreme caution, but in our society we feel it's prudent. We're also very careful never to be alone with any neighborhood children, and when I'm gone they aren't allowed to play here with my husband as the only adult, to avoid false accusations and any suggestion of impropriety. I believe no parent should assume any teen or adult is safe with their children. Even uncles can be suspect. Even if teen boys don't have any sexual disorders, they may still be prone to sexual experimentation and shouldn't be trusted (especially those who've grown up with unlimited media access and could be involved in porn).

Yes, call me paranoid.

Role of Homeschool Legal Defense Association (HSLDA)

The Homeschool Legal Defense Association did post a warning about the teachings of Gothard and Phillips, pointing out their fall from grace this year due to scandals, and teaching that the patriarchal stance of these men is unscriptural and could lead to homeschool freedom challenges, if too closely associated with homeschoolers as a whole. They apologized for not speaking up sooner, and apologized for allowing Vision Forum to purchase ad space at their site. I hope they are more diligent in pointing out cult-like ministries in the future.

The Bottom Line

Beware of false teachers, period. Beware of ministries in which one man has too much power, and beware of beloved men with too much power (think Bill Cosby). Power always carriers the risk of corruption. Let the Bible be your guide above all. And something for all of us opinion-spouting bloggers to be aware of, is that when we give a spiritual opinion, we need to clarify it as opinion, rather than biblical Truth. I will certainly be watching that in the future as I write. The problem with these cult-like ministries is that they presented their teachings as Truth, not as opinion.

My freedom to homeschool is very important to me. I would be so grieved if I ever had to put my kids in school, for a variety of reasons. I vow to keep an eye on the climate from now on and give caution when necessary, in the interest of all homeschoolers.

The Addict Versus the Christian: Your Response

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do? Definitely, it's detaching from my mother's drinking and its consequences. Last night I received another angry email from a sibling--one who is deeply entrenched in enablement, and harshly judging me for my stance. Reading it sent my heart racing, and once again, I perceived that addiction is a gift that just keeps on giving--and not in a good way.

How one deals with an addicted person involves assessing what stage of denial they're in, and acting according to their readiness for recovery. If the denial is deep, and they refuse to admit they have a problem, there is little one can do, outside of detaching.

What is detachment, exactly? And why do I bother writing this post?

When I think back to my family life growing up, and how all of us behaved, I'm deeply saddened by the secrecy and denial. Addiction is shameful and ugly, but keeping it secret is even more shameful. If you deal with an addicted person in your life, I urge you to move away from secrecy and toward acknowledgement and transparency. Denial and secrecy are your enemies, and millions of families, including millions of innocent children, suffer needlessly not so much because of someone's addiction, but because of the secrecy and denial.

Reject your former response and move into the Light. Give your addicted friend or family member over to the care of our Almighty God, who is mighty to save. Any control you think you have over the situation is mere illusion.

Detachment is considered cruel by those who don't understand its value; you will be judged harshly. Lean on the Lord as you detach and gather your support where you can. Stand by your convictions, even if it means standing alone. Be gracious to those who won't understand, remembering that few of us understand what we haven't experienced.

Detachment, by definition, is removing yourself from the consequences of someone's addiction. It is crucial for recovery purposes that they take the consequences, fully. Any help from you in that regard just makes them get sicker--and you get sicker too, with your enabling and your refusal to move into the Light. Addiction is sin, and you want no role in it.

Is it also a disease? Probably, so ask God to provide what you need to forgive, to give you the compassion necessary to view your loved one as the Lord views her--as a sinner in need of Grace. Don't judge, but also, don't participate.

Think of detachment as being neither kind nor unkind. Don't bail your loved one out of jail, if it gets to that. Don't do any act, large or small, that makes the person more comfortable, outside of saving their life if you can. That said, if they commit suicide, don't take responsibility for it. Each person is accountable for their own life, and we don't "save" anyone. Addiction or not, God will judge the person by their actions, by their denial of Him, by their refusal to repent.

Romans 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

Romans 2:6 Who will render to every man according to his deeds

Galatians 6:5 For each will have to bear his own load.

God saves, and any part we have in it is because he allowed us to have a part, for His glory. Don't believe that you can change anything, for that is controlling--part of the enabler's sickness. Yes, it's true. Enablers have a controlling streak. And what's worse, they're capable of pity only, not love, until they understand the difference between the two. Their self-esteem comes from rescuing people over and over. It gives them a false sense of power--an illusion of grand purpose. As such, their sickness is just as serious as the addict's.

I have a friend who recently lost a grandfather--a grandfather unsaved and negative toward God. The family deeply grieves his passing, which was more painful than most losses, due to his final destination. They tried to witness, to no avail. What she explained to me in her letter was one of the hardest things any of us has to process this side of heaven. Why doesn't God save everyone? She said they have to trust that God is just, and acts accordingly.

Why doesn't God save every addict? Why doesn't he soften every heart? Why doesn't he rescue every child stuck in an addictive home? All of it is mystery. Don't try to figure it out. Trust in the Lord fully and believe in His goodness. Give thanks that He saved you, and feel guilty not for those who perish unsaved, unless you never shared the Gospel. But even then, let the guilt go because God is sovereign, and he works through our sloppy or inadequate attempts. If we live unashamed of the Gospel, that is witness in itself. Don't hide your faith, don't water it down, don't keep it quiet to avoid offending. Live boldly and let God work through you.

And hold on tight, because the world will hate you because of your unveiled love for and allegiance to the Son. They will distort it all, claiming moral relativism and tolerance is the way to go, for in their minds, absolute Truth doesn't exist.

If someone you love is never saved, know that God is Love, regardless. Cling to Him and His goodness, which will only make you stronger for the work he has for us, as Christians.

The last thing I want to say, is to believe. Imagine what it will be like when your loved one meets the Redeemer. Hope. Because hope will keep you praying. Hope will strengthen you. Hope will be your endurance. Hope will help you run and finish the race well, for His glory.

Remember how Jesus was viewed by his own town members? They were blind to the divine in Him. They were too close to it all, in essence. I don't believe that family members are always the best Gospel deliverers, for the receivers are too caught up in the emotional responses ingrained in them toward that member.

And when you've been hurt by an addicted family member, it's even harder to "deliver" the Gospel well. Trust God here to bring in a neutral party to seal the deal. And remember, too, that your responses are not always going to be good ones. Be compassionate toward yourself, as well. It's easier to shower compassion on an addicted outsider, than it is on one who has hurt you. I read a pastor's account of this, in relation to his own functioning alcoholic father. He noticed that he showers compassion easily on the addicted (compassion not pity) who have hurt others with their addiction, rather than him.

As you pray for your loved one, pray someone neutral into their lives, who will deliver the Gospel and Love without prejudice, and be a sound and enduring witness.

This is where I'm at now. Fighting for hope. It appears my mother has rejected God for good, and other loved ones are being brought down with her. It's so hard to have hope, for I've prayed so long.

But God is at work in my heart, teaching me to hope. To hope in Him, for He is our only true Hope.