There are so many things my soul wants to say. I feel as though deep inside me there is poetry waiting to spill onto the screen, but somehow, right now, I can't reach it. Instead, thoughts spill out wordy and choppy and chaotic. I can spot the writing problems but I can't fix them in this season. Maybe I'll never write something great or even very good, but there is that feeling of tension, of wanting to release something hidden. Something good.
I suppose all who love the written word feel this same tension. Some eventually tap the beauty inside, producing art, but even those who never quite get there bless at least themselves through their words, through their soul searching. A soul story spills out, meaningful to the one penning it.
Right now I'm too invested in raising these children to have other ambitions--literary ambitions. That is just me. I am fulfilled as a mother more than I will ever be as a word spiller. The desire to raise and dwell with these children, to nurture them, is so central to who I am, that there's no question as to who is responsible. He is. He chose this--motherhood--as my contribution, my occupation. It feels so good to be so sure of that.
While I tread water as I mother, to keep from sinking, words are my life vest. Through my gratitude lists I worship God, thank Him, learn from Him, and listen to Him. He reminds me that he's still there--I can still trust Him, draw strength and wisdom from Him.
I'm thankful for:
- the time spent hugging each child in turn on the couch, while they watched a Veggie Tales video about obeying your parents in the Lord (Colossians 3:20). Okay, Miss Beth didn't exactly watch it. She more made it challenging for the rest of us to watch it.
I'm too conscientious a parent to be a fun parent. I don't tell jokes or come up with spontaneous new games. Every mother has her strength; mine is to nurture. I pray the Lord brings in other people to teach the value of laughter, for I feel its scarcity in our lives.
- The Laura Ingalls Wilder Christmas stories. Laura and Mary and Carrie got pretty peppermint candy and new mittens in their stockings--often their only presents--and they were happy, excited. My boys learned that simpler can be sweet and precious. Peter asked that we begin this same tradition--of pretty candy and something homemade for Christmas. He's already planning what he will make each family member. (Yikes! Where's a knitting teacher when you need her?!)
- I love the Ingalls-Wilder books for this treasure most of all: they teach simplicity and gratefulness. And good character, of course. So much of the old literature teaches that good character--Godly values--are invaluable endeavors. In current culture, good character now takes a back seat to success and recognition and individualism.
- Cheek-to-cheek tight hugs with Miss Beth
- That precious we're-in-this-together feeling produced through marriage. Hardships richen that feeling, as does time, making the bond inexpressibly beautiful.
- A monetary gift from my aunt before she left for Florida, used to buy Mary a new coat, allowing us to pass Mary's well-cared-for coat down to Beth. Everyone is warm. Thrift stores don't get many coats in (kids seem to wear them out). Burlington Coat Factory always has good quality coats for decent prices. Thank God we have one close enough! Washing a Walmart coat too often means it falls apart at the seams. Not so with Burlington Coat Factory--many washings still leave their coats looking wonderful.
- Miss Beth suffers from a UTI, the doctor confirmed Friday. She is on an antibiotic and will hopefully be sleeping comfortably soon.
Well, Miss Beth has managed to interrupt this writing a few times before my bedtime, a few times in the middle of the night, and now a few times this morning. That's my frustrated cue to end this.
Have a wonderful, blessed weekend, friends!