Wednesday Devotions

Chores undone, children, six of them today, needing supervision and drinks on a hot day.

Morning spent on arthritis therapy, which always makes me feel behind at home.

The boys' end-of-year teacher meeting to prepare for and go to this Friday. Laundry to shuffle and fold.

Too many people needing me, a tired Momma who slept poorly after two boys woke me up at 3:00 AM, arguing about whether the hall light should be left on or not.

Two new neighborhood boys started coming within a week of each other. Both from divorced families, they bounce back and forth to different houses. Though they seem to endure it, they need a prayer warrior. I notice their emotions are fragile when they return from visits. 

I remember this from childhood. The switch at the end of holidays and vacations. The tears and the guilt trip and the wishing it could be different. Why couldn't I have a life like my friend, the one with two steady parents, a steady home? It felt whole at her house. Warm. 

Nowadays, the switches are too frequent. Who needs two homes? Two toothbrushes? Two sets of rules? Who needs the brokenness of saying goodbye to a beloved parent for another week? 

These boys, I like them already. Children weave their way into my heart and it's good, but sometimes I want a less heavy heart. I want to feel less. 

Or maybe I want more strength.

At three o'clock, after hours of play, I entice my four inside to rest. So I can rest. 

I search for a verse of the day before starting the dishes. A verse for these tired days with needs unending. A verse that makes my heart sing, my soul rest, my body renew.

And here it is, from Zephaniah.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

I close my eyes to hear this loud singing, this rejoicing over me with gladness. I want to feel His mightiness that saves. I want to feel the quietness of his enfolding love.

And I do. For three minutes, until Paul interrupts, needing me to open the can of pumpkin for his pumpkin bread recipe.

I do it and sit back down and read the verse again. And again. 

And I close my eyes.

And no one needs me for twenty minutes.

Prayer Time: Dear Father, Thank you for your beautiful heart and your Word. Thank you for these verses that echo your heart and make it accessible to me, a weak vessel. I don't have long to sit but I need a filling, Lord. I need you to infiltrate my heart and mind and give me rest even as I work. May my step be light, my heart be willing to serve anew. Work through me to love my children, to disciple them through new friends, new knowledge of a broken world. May we be lights out there Lord, even as we're broken ourselves. Shine through us. Make us faithful servants.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen

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Raising Successful Children

I haven't finished reading commentary on Jonah 4, so today I bring you some thoughts on an opinion piece--Raising Successful Children--written in The New York Times Sunday opinion column. I found the link on Ann's site. Another article I found, Who's Minding The Teenage Brain?, is also discussed below.

The Holy Spirit makes me increasingly aware that any anxiety I have about my children's futures must be tongue-controlled. I must turn every worry into a prayer. For example, telling my children that a strong work ethic helps them achieve their personal best is one thing, but uttering fears or doubts about their future is quite another.

I'm also more aware as my boys mature, that high expectations help children steadily achieve, and that steady achievement--wrought with a healthy, not crushing level of frustration--builds a strong foundational confidence. We don't build confidence by saying, "You're so smart", as the Raising Successful Children article explains. We build it by facilitating achievement.

As you read both pieces, or both excerpts, think about teenagers especially. You have to give kids room to make mistakes. I agree. But what about studies showing the teen brain is hardwired for danger? I continually think of Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol--understand, not finding fault with this family, just trying to learn--when I read things about giving teens autonomy. Mistakes made in those years can affect many lives...even legacies.

Excerpt from Who's Minding the Teenage Brain:

In the time it takes you to eat dinner tonight, two adolescents somewhere in the United States will contract HIV. Over the next month, nearly half of all high-school students will sneak a drink of alcohol. And sometime over the course of 2007, one in 12 high schoolers will try to kill themselves. 

It is one of the great paradoxes of modern existence: Humans grow far stronger and healthier during their second decade of life, but their chances of dying rise rapidly at the same time. In the vast majority of cases, it all comes down to a bad decision. A 17-year-old honor student gets behind the wheel while drunk. A high-school freshman tries methamphetamine — and gets hooked. A pack of fans at a football game picks a fight with their rivals. A depressed girl, alone in her room, chooses to check out.

Because the brains of adolescents are not ready to fully regulate their behavior, "adolescents need more supervision," says Mr. Steinberg. "We need to build that into the way in which the laws and other kinds of social policies regulate their behavior." 

Ronald E. Dahl, a professor of psychiatry at Pittsburgh, has reached a similar conclusion from his own research on adolescents. He calls for adults to provide kids with more "scaffolding and monitoring, so that risks are relatively less, but as [show responsibility and develop skills, you gradually give them more freedom." 

That kind of support — in the form of supervised after-school programs or restricted driving licenses — is critical because it allows the adolescent brain to acquire its social and emotional fluency, he suggests. 

When that learning process breaks down, either because of genetic susceptibilities or problems in their lives, teenagers can develop depression, anxiety, or the other types of mood disorders that make their appearance during this stage of life. Stunted growth in this domain can also send people veering toward addiction, he says. 

God can redeem anything and we must love our children unconditionally through their mistakes. But why go there at all with teen sexuality or teen substance abuse? If we know teens are less capable of making sound judgement, why leave them alone so much? Going to the store for an hour is one thing, but leaving them alone for hours or more? I don't think this is wise. If that first kiss occurred and we were absent too long and unaware of the incident, we don't know to watch out for the fire it ignited. And Satan? He'll do everything to keep that fire burning.

When a child leaves town for college--or gets married as an older teen--we have to let go entirely, at least physically. Their brains are more capable of weighing risk by that time. If we invest in their hearts for 18 years, discipling them faithfully (including a purity plan), they should do fine, yes?

If they fall at that point, it's the bittersweet free will issue, less than a parenting issue.

Tell me, what is your opinion about leaving teens alone?

Here are a few excepts from the other, 2-page article, entitled Raising Successful Children.

Decades of studies, many of them by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, have found that the optimal parent is one who is involved and responsive, who sets high expectations but respects her child’s autonomy. These “authoritative parents” appear to hit the sweet spot of parental involvement and generally raise children who do better academically, psychologically and socially than children whose parents are either permissive and less involved, or controlling and more involved. Why is this particular parenting style so successful, and what does it tell us about overparenting?

For one thing, authoritative parents actually help cultivate motivation in their children. Carol Dweck, a social and developmental psychologist at Stanford University, has done research that indicates why authoritative parents raise more motivated, and thus more successful, children.

Their research confirms what I’ve seen in more than 25 years of clinical work, treating children in Marin County, an affluent suburb of San Francisco. The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing; and their parents do not do things for them that satisfy their own needs rather than the needs of the child.

The central task of growing up is to develop a sense of self that is autonomous, confident and generally in accord with reality. If you treat your walking toddler as if she can’t walk, you diminish her confidence and distort reality. Ditto nightly “reviews” of homework, repetitive phone calls to “just check if you’re O.K.” and “editing” (read: writing) your child’s college application essay.

Once your child is capable of doing something, congratulate yourself on a job well done and move on. Continued, unnecessary intervention makes your child feel bad about himself (if he’s young) or angry at you (if he’s a teenager).

While doing things for your child unnecessarily or prematurely can reduce motivation and increase dependency, it is the inability to maintain parental boundaries that most damages child development. When we do things for our children out of our own needs rather than theirs, it forces them to circumvent the most critical task of childhood: to develop a robust sense of self. 

If you clink on the link and read the entire 2-page article, you see it indicates an eleven-year-old girl should be able to spend time at the mall with her friends. Agree? I'd like your opinion on this, as well as the teen autonomy issue. Thank you for your input!

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Multitude Monday: Wherever You Go, He is There

"Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid nor dismayed for the Lord is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

My migraine history has always been harder on my husband than on me. He doesn't understand why the Lord won't heal a busy mother's chronic head pain. I've mostly felt helpless about my husband's frustration with them, not wishing to be the cause of one of his burdens.

But they're getting worse, sometimes lasting 3 to 5 days, and the over-the-counter pain relievers aren't as effective. Despair does come to me at times now; I want to be free of medication and pain.

This morning, four days into a headache, I needed a verse I could clutch tightly to my heart. A verse that would strengthen and give hope. 

The Lord isn't providing physical healing, no. But I feel this: His presence. These life-giving words from Joshua couldn't be more perfect. The Lord is with me wherever I go. Even to the throbbing places. 

I can be strong and of good courage because I am not alone. 

Where do fear and dismay come from? From a lonely, powerless place. 

But we are never powerless or alone. There is always His presence, His Word. 

Powerlessness and loneliness? They are perceptions. Deceptions.

I won't fall. I won't go there.

I will give thanks for my companion, The God of The Universe. There's no greater gift than Him. 

A migraine suddenly seems...insignificant. And come to think of it, the throbbing is a bit less now, too.

Dear Lord, thank you for these gifts:

~ A husband who loves me and cares about my comfort.

~ A husband who prays for me.

~ Rain on the crops yesterday.

~ Paul's commitment to reading the Bible daily. Peter needs more reminders, but Paul is self-driven in this. Praise the Lord!

~ Just when I think I can't minister to Lexi, our troubled neighborhood friend, any longer, God provides rest. For several days she hasn't come. This has happened before when I've felt overwhelmed with her issues. Suddenly, she quit coming. When she showed up again, I was rested and ready to love on her again. God is amazing!

~ No-melt suet on the tree, ready for woodpeckers and nuthatches.

~ Delicious sweet corn from the farm down the street, as always. I don't know how they did it this year with drought conditions, but the corn is superb. The kernels aren't as plump, but the taste is the same.

~ My on-line friendships

~ Husband's incision looks very good. Fully healed; he want back to work today. Both jobs decided to pay him for his time off, just because he's such a good employee. He's very well liked in both places. Since he's part-time in both places, they didn't have to pay him. Thank you, Lord.

~ Yesterday when I was in the throes of migraine, Beth got very fussy. I asked Paul to bake cookies with her to help distract her, and it worked like a charm.  

What are you thankful for today?

Linking with Ann this week.

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Married...with Disability

wheelchair groom with best man

My husband was across the street telling a neighbor about our bat, when my eight year old tried to hand feed it a fly. And me? Out grocery shopping.

The news that Paul narrowly avoided injury and possibly a round of precautionary rabies shots, angered me. I can't even go to the store, taking for granted my kids are safe? Why wasn't the bat put up high, away from curious hands? Why weren't Paul and the other children told about the inherent dangers? Why were three young children left in the house alone, while husband and Peter briefly talked with a neighbor across the street?

There's a short answer and a long one, a benign one and a not-so-benign one, but neither are my point today.

What I want to write about today is marriage. It can get pretty complicated, yes? While even the best marriages are wrought with complications, some issues bring more hardship than others.

What about marriages in which the husband has a disability? This isn't a marriage topic that typically comes up and that's unfortunate. A fair number of women deal with this reality. Married men can suffer from ADHD, mild brain injury, clinical depression, Bipolar Disorder, split personality disorder, paralysis, an autistic spectrum issue, schizophrenia, chronic fatigue syndrome...the list goes on.

Affected wives can experience anger, isolation, despair, and deep exhaustion from handling so much alone. And yet the Bible doesn't allow for divorce when one spouse is handicapped, however difficult the circumstances.

Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders in the home, but what about those who can barely handle themselves on a daily basis, through no fault of their own?

God is with these families too. No matter how difficult individual days or weeks or years can be, God is with you, behind the scenes, redeeming it all for his glory. He has not forsaken you.

Some things to take to heart:

~ Don't Compare

Though some marriages you encounter seem ideal--or at least far easier than yours--this is rarely true. Few people are transparent about their marriages and some purposely exalt them. Behind the scenes there's always pain--not always in the first several years, but definitely later when children enter the picture. Or if children don't enter the picture (a different kind of searing pain).

As hard as your situation may seem, the cozy scene next door might be worse for you. God knows your talents and gifts. Your marriage is tailored to those in a divine way. It magnifies your good and strengthens your weaknesses. Trust this. Trust God. Don't compare.


~ Be Thankful

Your husband has wonderful qualities. Yes, he does! List them. Get to know them. Celebrate them. Build upon them in your heart. Satan wants you to dwell on the hardship. Refuse to. Refuse to bow to the poison of discontent.

Maybe your husband can't bring home a lot of bacon, but he loves you well and loves his children well.

Maybe he rarely smiles and sleeps too much from depression, but he listens well to your feelings. He validates them, honors them. He cherishes you.

Maybe he has to take medication with awful side affects, like ugly mood swings, but he provides well for you and you're able to give generously to others and save for retirement.

Maybe his mild brain injury leaves people shaking their heads in social situations, embarrassing you, but he makes you laugh and eases all your stress.

Maybe he's in his own little world, isolated from feelings, but he can fix anything and he lives to serve you.

~ Live the gospel 

As much as Satan says you deserve someone better, someone whole, reject this. We can't waste our time on that word deserve. We deserve death with everlasting suffering. And yet God has mercy on us. He gives grace on top of mercy.

Have mercy on your husband. And then give grace--your unwavering respect and devotion. He didn't choose to have a disorder. You two were chosen to live the gospel in a very real way. God believes you can do this, if you remain in Him. Remember that he equips you to do it.

Your situation drives you to a deeper relationship with God. That is huge. It's a gift.

It's not a lonely road, really. Anytime we have a unique situation, it feels lonely, but that's just a perception.

We're never without the God of the Universe. Our Father. Our Redeemer. Our Comforter. Our Rock. Our Answer.

~ Pray through

Lord, help me to love him one more day. Best marriage advice ever. Just this. Pray it every day. Lord, help me to love him one more day.

~ Be humble

Scripture says there's a plank in my eye, in every eye. I'm not so easy for my husband to live with, and either are you for yours. We best remember that.

Marriage is a faith road with eternal rewards. 

Stay in the race. 

Don't compare. 

Be thankful. 

Live the gospel.

Pray through.

Be humble.

Finish strongly and run to your Father's arms on your last day. And hear this: Well done, good and faithful servant.

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Caveat on a Bible Study Reference I Gave

I recommended a Bible study series on the Armor of God a short while ago. I liked the series, but because you have to read the fine print on Bible sites (especially if you're going to recommend them), I asked my husband to read through the doctrinal statement of the parent site (United Church of God). At first glance I didn't see serious red flags, other than a few unnecessary things about clean meat, Jewish feasts, and the correct day for worship. I didn't care for any of these "extras", listed way at the bottom of their other doctrines, but wasn't willing to throw out a good study because of them. At that point.

Husband, the Bible scholar around here, has some serious reservations about some points of their doctrinal statement (a Rob Bell kind of feel). Also, they don't directly mention the Trinity. He didn't tell me his concerns right away because he didn't know I had already given the Bible study recommendation. While some of their Bible study materials might line up well with Scripture, that may not be true of others.

Reading through any doctrinal statement can be intimidating. They are often very long and quite theological. Sorry I missed important items, and I'm also sorry for including the reference without first waiting for husband to look over the parent site.