Punishment vs. Discipline

 Joseph Wright, American Artist (1756-1793)
The Wright Family

Sometimes the Lord allows us to have horrible parenting weeks. The longer I parent and pray, the more I see these weeks as an answer to prayer.


What? A horrible week is an answer to prayer? That's messed up.


It would seem so. 


This last week my son's temper sent objects flying against the wall. Doors slammed repeatedly. His shouting became as commonplace as the robin's song outside the window. 


Only the robin didn't send our bodies into fight-or-flight mode.


I had to get on my knees and plead, "Help, Lord! We can't live like this!" And sure enough, insight came to me. Valuable insight I wouldn't have gathered in a normal parenting week. 


Ahem. Normal being a relative term.


Have you ever contemplated the difference between discipline and punishment? Discipline comes from the root word disciple, which means to teach.


Punishment, on the other hand, is that which God and the courts administer. When you break a law you have a debt to pay to society, and that debt usually involves jail time, community service, or worse. Only God and the courts have the God-ordained authority to punish.


So...where does that leave parents? 


It leaves us with that all-important word disciple. God desires that we teach our children, not punish them. 


Do you find yourself harboring a punishment mentality? Do you want to "get back at them" for what they've done to you? Do you dole out knee-jerk responses based solely on your anger over being wronged? Either with words, or hasty slaps or spankings?


Then you may be guilty. You may have chosen punishment over discipline, and you've done nothing to teach your child. Although, as we've all experienced, humble apologies speak volumes to our children.


The best discipling comes from example, which is why Jesus rarely left his disciples during his earthly ministry. This is precisely why we homeschool: to facilitate a Jesus-style discipling of our children.


Now stay with me here. This isn't a liberal-mentality, anti-spanking post.


I'm not judging you for having a punishment mentality, believe me. My exhortation posts address my own flaws, first and foremost; they're self-preaching. While every parent is guilty of a punishment mentality at times, those of us with very challenging children are more vulnerable.


The message to the child is this: 


~ You don't belong here.
~ You're unworthy.
~ You're too much trouble.
~  I like the others better than you.
~  I wish you weren't here messing up my life.


And the consequences of these messages? More bad behavior from your child. It's as though your child gets worse to prove to himself what he already suspects: You don't love him.


And the truth is, retaliatory actions speak anything but love, so the child's conclusions aren't unreasonable, especially if you retaliate on a regular basis. 


Now, if a young child goes out into the street after you've told her to stop, you might give her a calculated little spanking on the bottom. That is negative discipline, not punishment. You're not trying to get her back. It's not eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth, in this case.


Negative discipline and punishment can be difficult to distinguish, but ultimately, your heart will tell you the difference. Were you trying to retaliate in anger and indignation, or were you trying to train? That's the question.


Positive discipline is giving more playtime outside, or another privilege, for a job well done. Negative discipline involves losing a privilege, or being sent to a time-out spot, or possibly, it's a controlled spanking. 


Most children need a combination of both positive and negative discipline, though with easy-going children, positive discipline is usually enough. 


Use if/then statements. If you clean your room in a timely manner, then you'll have more time to play. If you eat all your dinner, then you can have dessert.


When things get tense, try the two-choices tactic. You have two choices: you can obey me and pick up your toy right now, or you can go to your room. This tactic resolves most tense situations. 


For real fired-up situations, like I've dealt with all week, sending the child to their room is still the best solution. It gives your child's adrenalin, and your own, time to diminish. (My children, by the way, have sparse bedrooms. The toys are kept in the playroom.) 


Then, go in and pray with your child. After this you'll hopefully receive a heart-felt apology. 


Next, talk about anger management techniques. (You'll probably have to research these, if you don't already have literature on them.) 


Another thing to share with your child: It's not a sin to be angry. It's what we do in our anger, that can lead to sin.


We'll delve into this topic more as the Lord leads me, but right now, search your heart. Are you training or punishing?


If the answer grieves you, get on your knees and pray for the very self-control you desire from your child. Good parenting always starts with a good self-cleaning. 


When our hearts are right, their hearts will follow.