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| Five Children Playing in the Forest George Elgar Hicks |
Flashing before me all day now? A slideshow of family photos dating back to 2008. My boys, they made it our screen saver and broke my heart.
Seeing pictures of my Beth as a baby, and my Mary with her early, abundant curls, it shatters me. My husband, an outstanding father, wants them to grow up so things are easier. But me? I want them in my lap, little.
I love children...everything about them. The funny things they say, the way they love, the things they do for fun, the way their hair smells after a bath, the way the chocolate covers their mouths.
I'm in heaven here on earth, with these four.
I wanted more than four, though I didn't know it until I had three. But my birthing years? Over. My husband made that decision three years ago, and due to my age, I'd reluctantly come to accept it.
But these old photos of the children. What an ache.
How can I bare them growing up so fast? How do I put my heart back together, when each season I give more clothes to Goodwill? Clothes that once flattered and fit and brought out their eyes, or their hair. Clothes I remember seeing on them when they were smaller and got into things constantly and drove me crazy. Gone. Just like the years.
Each Goodwill box reminds me. One day, this house will empty.
How soon can they have their own children for me to love? If we raise them strong in the Lord, will they get married at twenty, ready to love for a lifetime? Can I be a grandmom in thirteen years?
I ask the Lord these things. And his answer? It's always the same when I wonder..."How can I endure, Lord?"
Give thanks for today...for now. Joy isn't a large family. It's thanks-giving. It's knowing that eternity is enough and everything else? Bonus. Icing.
Let your photos become your screen saver. You might mourn, but you'll also live in the moment with your children.
Thank you, Father, for...
...a loving and dedicated husband.
...Peter, Paul, Mary, Beth, Isaac, and one more.
...Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books in the mail and Peter getting lost in them right away.
...putting winter clothes away on an 80 degree day.
...more room in the closets.
...summer clothing = less laundry.
...girls playing with their dolls more.
...girls having dolly tea parties with their new dishes.
...the hamster acquired in December 2011, Jack The Black, still lives and delights Peter.
...my Mary wanting to be a mommy with her whole heart.
...Mary's and Beth's sweet, mutually-nurturing relationship.
...that girls and boys are so different, yet so individual, still.
...a good visit with a relative.
...Beth's flare gone...she's eating and sleeping better. Thank you for praying!
...a quiet house while I give thanks to God.
...God loves me and forgives me and remakes me.
...God himself...He brings joy.
2 comments:
Oh Christine ... I feel this one deep. I find myself in your words. Last fall, I gave away our high chair, and I felt like a piece of my heart went straight out the door.
I love little, too. It is fun to fall in love with the newer, "older" versions of these girls. But I do miss the "little" phase.
Thank you, Jennifer. Glad to know I'm not the only one. :)
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