Rearing Spoiled Brats in America?

I've written here before about young American adults failing to launch into their own lives in their early twenties as expected--acquiring jobs, leaving home, supporting themselves, attending to their own daily needs. 

Sociologists refer to this phenomena as the "failure to launch".

The big questions to ask are: 1) Why are American children so spoiled and entitled? and 2) Why are twenty-somethings still living at home?

It's true that the economy's been depressed for at least 5 years, but this trend with our children started before the economic downturn. I'm disgusted intrigued by this phenomena, and very concerned about avoiding it in my own children, so I read every article I can find on it. What's gone wrong and why? What can I do differently?

Yesterday I read an article published by Elizabeth Colbert in The New Yorker, entitled Spoiled Rotten: Why do kids rule the roost? (link found on Ann's blog) My excerpts below focus on the comparisons between a six-year-old girl from the Peruvian Amazon, with middle-class Los Angeles children. The author's text appears in blue below:

Carolina Izquierdo, an anthropologist, studied the Matsigenka tribe from the Amazon in 2004. She decided to accompany a local family on a leaf-gathering expedition down the Urubamba River. A member of another family, Yanira, asked if she could come along. Izquierdo and the others spent five days on the river. Although Yanira had no clear role in the group, she quickly found ways to make herself useful. Twice a day, she swept the sand off the sleeping mats, and she helped stack the kapashi leaves for transport back to the village. In the evening, she fished for crustaceans, which she cleaned, boiled, and served to the others. Calm and self-possessed, Yanira “asked for nothing,” Izquierdo later recalled. The girl’s behavior made a strong impression on the anthropologist because at the time of the trip Yanira was just six years old.

This same anthropologist, during the same period, also studied middle-class Los Angeles children. Thirty-two middle class Los Angeles families were recruited and observed while they ate, fought, made up and did the dishes. 

How did parents in different cultures train young people to assume adult responsibilities? In the case of the Angelenos, they mostly didn’t. In the L.A. families observed, no child routinely performed household chores without being instructed to. Often, the kids had to be begged to attempt the simplest tasks; often, they still refused. 

In one fairly typical encounter, a father asked his eight-year-old son five times to please go take a bath or a shower. After the fifth plea went unheeded, the father picked the boy up and carried him into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the kid, still unwashed, wandered into another room to play a video game.

In another representative encounter, an eight-year-old girl sat down at the dining table. Finding that no silverware had been laid out for her, she demanded, “How am I supposed to eat?” Although the girl clearly knew where the silverware was kept, her father got up to get it for her.

In a third episode captured on tape, a boy named Ben was supposed to leave the house with his parents. But he couldn’t get his feet into his sneakers, because the laces were tied. He handed one of the shoes to his father: “Untie it!” His father suggested that he ask nicely. “Can you untie it?” Ben replied. After more back-and-forth, his father untied Ben’s sneakers. Ben put them on, then asked his father to retie them. “You tie your shoes and let’s go,’’ his father finally exploded. Ben was unfazed. “I’m just asking,’’ he said.

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/07/02/120702crbo_books_kolbert#ixzz1zu3qIeDV


I'm no anthropologist, but I do have some observations to share regarding the pitfalls of American parenting, in no particular order.

1. Too Little Time Devoted to Child-Training: We embark on a chore system with our children, only to become frustrated by the amount of supervision and nagging it takes to ensure follow-through. Our expectations become inconsistent, and not surprisingly, the children's performances do as well. For example, a child thinks: The last time I was asked to pick up my Legos, she let me leave some on the floor. She picked them up herself. But this time she yelled at me for not doing a thorough job. I wonder what will happen next time? What does she really want?

Training our children well is just as important as loving them unconditionally. Middle-class American parents tend to concentrate on academics and giving a child every opportunity to succeed--sometimes over-scheduling them in the process. But how much time do we devote to teaching excellence of habit? And work ethic? 

What is so pressing in our lives that we don't consistently expect hardwork and excellence? Don't answer that question if you're busy nursing a baby and keeping a two year old out of trouble. You, my friend, just need to survive and this post is one to file away for future reference.

But those of us out of survival mode (not counting cold and flu season) may need to examine our priorities and start investing quality time into developing a strong work ethic in our children.

It's an incremental, patient process, requiring our presence most of all. 

Cleaning up a toy or game involves gathering all the pieces together and scanning the room to see if any stray pieces were left behind, then packing them properly into their designated container, and lastly, putting them back in their designated place--not leaving the box in the middle of the floor.

Sounds elementary, doesn't it? But to a child it's not. We need to demonstrate how to sweep all the Legos together with a firm straight edge (such as a large hardbound book). Next we need to demonstrate how to look under the couch and chairs for stray pieces. It's helpful to make them clean up other toys before getting another one out, so that toys aren't constantly missing parts that were hiding under stuffed animals or other things strewn on the floor. Do you have a basket of stray toy parts in your house somewhere? It's a hint that you need to teach the clean-up process more thoroughly. 

Finally, once a toy is completely packed we need to demonstrate how to put it back on it's shelf or home properly, rather than in a sloppy, precarious manner--i.e. larger game boxes on the bottom of the stack, smaller boxes on top.

My children have much progress to make in cleaning up their toys, but I'm happy to report that in other chore areas, such as vacuuming, sweeping and mopping, my ten-year-old boy really shines now. The more I saw of children in other cultures, the more I began raising expectations for my own crew. In farm cultures for example, children do 2 to 3 hours of barn chores each morning, rising at 5:30 AM. (At Ann Voskamp's farm for one).

And all three of the Compassion International children we write to are responsible for a myraid of daily tasks--a lot more than my children.

We run child-centered homes here in America--with closet space and living spaces overflowing with their toys and belongings--rather than seeing children as one part of a larger family unit. A child can be well-loved without being pampered.

Each of us has a special gift to bring to the table, in the Church body and in our homes. But all must contribute, and not detract, from the daily running of a home. The sooner we require a reasonable contribution from our youngsters, the less likely they'll develop a sense of entitlement. When the spoiled-brat syndrome turns around, we can truly enjoy our children.

2. Driven to Distraction - Twenty-first century parents and children live distracted lives driven by too much media and too much stuff. When we're distracted we don't focus on excellence and consistency of habit in ourselves or in our children. Most people cling tighter to their distractions when they're under excessive stress, so battling stress with prayer, exercise, sleep and good nutrition, helps too.

I know...easier said than done.

Homes would run smoother if all members avoid media or other distraction until all the work is done, and done well--devotions first, then all the work, and then relaxation. A sequence to live by daily.

What gives rise to better character and a growing self-confidence? A loosey goosey, no-expectations home where everyone is driven by distraction? Or a home poised with excellency and consistency? 

If we live it, we can teach it. 

I mention self-confidence because it's something that develops through achievement. If our expectations are too low, how can our children achieve on a healthy continuum? Similarly, if we nag about their performance while never having properly taught them the tasks in question, how can they grow in self-confidence? They'll only grow in frustration, and pitch fits every time they're asked to do chores or clean up after themselves.

3. Lacking a Servant's Heart - A child who never looks for a way to contribute, but instead looks for a way to be served, lacks a servant's heart. Similarly, a parent who talks on the phone or reads e-mail and news, rather than properly training her child, lacks a servant's heart. To glorify God and contribute to a spiritually healthy family, all members must die to self daily. What better way to teach that than to demonstrate it with our own behavior? Children sense when we're slacking off as parents and if noticed too often, it erodes their respect for us. If your older child has a sassy mouth lately, you may have a spoiled brat on your hands, or you may have a child disappointed in you for some reason. Pray and search your heart, and act accordingly. 

I'm not saying every parental difficulty is our fault, just that change always starts with us. And if you're a Christian, it starts with prayer and a heart search.

A servant's heart is instilled by the Holy Spirit, and then reinforced by parental action. Plan a Bible study about acquiring a servant's heart and let the Holy Spirit work in your child's heart...and in yours. Just search the topic on the Internet to find plenty of Bible references and materials. The questions to answer are these: 1)What does God say about servanthood and 2) What does servanthood look like?

The servanthood concept is eternal, affecting generations. Children mustn't leave home without it.

Now it's your turn. Do you think we're raising spoiled children in America? Why or why not?


Servanthood Verses:

Matthew 20:25-28  

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." 


2 Timothy 2:4  

No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday 

life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier


Galatians 6:10  
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially 
to those who belong to the family of believers. 


Colossians 3:23  

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, 

not for men. 


Galatians 6:3 
If you think you are too important to help someone in need, you are only 
fooling yourself. You are really a nobody. 



1 Peter 5:5  
“Put on the apron of humility, to serve one another”  

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