don't tell Him what to do

My ADHD son threw tantrums more than once on three consecutive days this week.  Feeling exhausted and helpless to change our plight, I am reminded of a similar situation back in 1999-2000.

I was a teacher in my eighth year of first grade.  The school office "gifted" me with multiple behavior problems, thinking that I could "fix" them.  I had a reputation for being firm but loving.

Little did they know, however, that working with angry kids wasn't my strong point.  Angry and defiant children made me angry.  I didn't know this about myself, or understand it.

After the first three months of school I experienced stress-induced health problems.  In addition, I was angry with the office staff.  How dare they?  Did they have no idea what they were doing when they made these decisions?

I finally went to my principal--a friend and father figure--asking to have some of my class broken up.  No small matter for a principal, obviously.   This man, by the way, had given the blessing at my wedding the summer before, at my request.  He had prayed for my salvation, along with the office ladies, since I began working there in 1992.  I became a Christian in 1997, very grateful for their collective prayers.

Needless to say, I was very fond of him and wanted him to think well of me.  I tried to stick it out for his sake.

He was not pleased with me, I could tell.  They all thought I was having first-year marriage problems, and that my stress was linked to that, rather than to the behavior problems they saddled me with.  Their impression was far from reality.  That too, fueled my anger.  No one can understand the pressure a teacher is under when there are multiple behavior problems contributing to constant stress in a classroom.

My principal wasn't known for his toughness.  He never used any interventions that worked, which may have been due to the nature of the problems our children brought to school.  Even though we had a Healthy Start building on our grounds to help low-income families with various needs, we still dealt with a lot of angry kids.

If things aren't stable and supportive at home, children can't be expected to slough off all that worry and stress as soon as they walk through a school building.  This alone is why public schools have limited effectiveness.  They simply can't be everything to every child, in a institutional setting.  Nurturing occurs primarily in the home, with loved ones.  With divorces so prevalent and with poverty still a reality in our society, not to mention alcohol and drug abuse, children are often confused and angry with needs that go unmet.

Anyhow, back to my particular plight that year.  One day suspensions were a last resort; my principal used them a few times that year.  Sadly, nothing changed upon the child's return.  Sending kids to the office was only a temporary bandaid; I avoided it when I could.  Still, it kept me from blowing my top more than once.

In this extremely low-income area, the problems kids came to school with were just too complicated and pervasive to solve with suspensions.  They wondered, often, if they would get evicted from their apartment in any given month; stability was not something they had ever experienced.

I often think that our current low-income status purposely puts me in a position to finally understand what those families were going through.  Most of them didn't have the Lord, as I do.  Instead, they had alcohol or drugs, or strings of unsuccessful, abusive relationships.  I know the constant stress of financial insufficiency.  It is huge, and they had no effective tools to help them cope.  Shame on me for not trying harder to put myself in their shoes.

Is my current situation my payback, I sometimes wonder?  Was it the only way the Lord could teach me mercy?  During that time I do remember scoring very low on mercy in a spiritual gifts inventory.  I was high in faith, discernment, and exhortation, while very low in mercy, helps and hospitality.

Another first grade teacher offered to take two of my behavior problems.  The principal was grateful to her, but still not happy with me.  This particular teacher was newer and had weak classroom management skills, but she was fresh.  I, on the other hand, suffered from burn out, which unfortunately is very common among teachers. Most actually leave the field within ten years.

The changes were made.

I was left with a few moderate behavior problems, and one extremely severe one.  I didn't know it at the time, but the child suffered from severe ADHD, with aggression and oppositional defiant disorder.  The year after I had him he pulled a knife on two girls on the playground (after school).  He was expelled, and then made the rounds to all the schools in the district, getting expelled multiple times.  Finally, I heard, my old school had to take him back, years later.  It was their turn again.

I had to take anti-anxiety medicine the year I taught him.  It was one of the most difficult years of my life.  Still today, I get knots in my stomach thinking about it.

Do you know what I told the Lord when I was pregnant with Peter, about two years after that hellish year?

"Whatever you do Lord, please don't give me someone like Terrell.  I can't handle it.  I can't parent an angry child, Lord.  Please don't do that to me."

My husband, for his part, used to work with mentally challenged individuals, as a direct care worker.  They threw tantrums frequently.   When I was pregnant with Peter, husband's prayer was that we not have a child who suffered from mental or psychiatric problems (someone who was hard to handle, basically).

And here we are.  And here Peter is.  And here are daily difficulties, not remedied by medication, and only slightly improved by interventions.

Lesson in all this?

Don't tell the Lord what to do.  Rest in him, draw wisdom and strength from him, praise him, live for him.

Just don't tell him what to do.  And don't waste your time being angry.

Give thanks for the opportunity.  Every hardship is an opportunity.....to get closer to Him.....to do His work.