Learning to Love

 

I rise up every morning, my small, flawed mind harboring plans and goals...a mental list of things I'd like to get done. Order feels good and crossing things off a list feels good. Success feels good.

Thursday afternoon, on the first day of a cold, Peter had an asthma attack. Two others occurred over the past couple months but they were mild and this one wasn't. I decided we couldn't go to sleep with his nostrils flaring and his belly doing the breathing work, so at 11:00 PM we went to the ER for a breathing treatment.

At 2:00 AM we were still there, both exhausted. I needed to read over the Sonlight notebook for the upcoming start of school, not watch my son's breathing as though it were a new hobby. I also needed sleep.

A detour in my day. Frustration rising.

Next day, Miss Beth wouldn't poop and kept going off to hide in fear, making her situation worse. Stubbornly, she doesn't drink enough which leads to harder poops, which leads to a fear of pooping. Unpleasant and time-consuming, I hate the whole matter.

I sat at the potty with her, encouraging. For half an hour. She wouldn't drink what I offered and kept avoiding the inevitable.

After twenty minutes with her, I stewed and lost the will to sing songs and do finger rhymes. I had to read that Sonlight notebook, still. And I was a day behind in laundry.

A detour in my day. Frustration rising.

Lexi, our neighborhood friend, kept coming to the door. I had sick kids and piled up chores and that notebook still needed reading. Two other neighbors recently rejected her, not letting her even in their yard. She is the least of these, in so many eyes, because of her annoying qualities. Once a couple of months ago she told me we were the only people who liked her, who would let her in our house to eat and play. "You guys are the best", she even said that day.

Thinking about it now makes my heart ache.

I told her I had sick kids and maybe tomorrow.

Mine had colds, but were they too sick to play? Probably not but I wanted an excuse.

But this is Lexi of whom I speak.

Lexi, who wants her way and drives hard for it. She kept coming back again and again and I had to go back to the door to give her the broken record. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, the Holy Spirit spoke her need for love. But I couldn't be bothered to listen just then.

A detour in my day. Frustration rising.

Beth went off to hide again and I brought her back to the potty to try again. About the last place I wanted to be...doing the last thing I wanted to do.

But the Lord beckoned my heart. Don't wish this moment away...for this is my moment and this is my child. And your schedule? It means nothing to me.

Let me lead, child. Just let me lead. Frustration? It arises when you don't get your own way.

And I repented right then and there.

I looked into my daughter's beautiful, tired eyes. Really looked and searched her, like He wanted me to.

She needs your unconditional love, even when it's not convenient. That's what the Holy Spirit told my guilty heart.

"I love you so much, Beth. Mommy loves you so much! I'm happy to be here with you and I'm so sorry for my impatience. I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Honey."

And those words? She needed them. She needed me, fully present, living the moment as though it were sacred. Without my head full of things I wanted to do.

I am a flawed, selfish mother.

But He thinks there's hope for me yet. He never gives up.

I'm so grateful for another chance...to love in His name.

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19