Walk With Him Wednesday: Practice of Suffering

Ann Voskamp, every Wednesday, hosts a link-up about  spiritual practices that draw us nearer to His heart.

To read the entire series of spiritual practices

The assignment this week is: The Practice of Suffering…What does it mean to pick up a cross? How do we walk through hard times? How do we participate in the sufferings of Christ? We look forward to your Scripture study, stories, encouragement….

I contemplated...shall I write about money being scarce, about the washer we bought new four years ago making an awful screeching sound, about the vacuum that smells like an electrical fire every time I turn it on...about all the broken things that can't be fixed just now? How the frustration of it all leaves me feeling lonely, forgotten, hopeless, and how those emotions drive me to Scripture for comfort, because I know in my heart that I do have enough...much even?

But no...it's all too fresh today and could I really take the whine out of the words this soon?

I settled, then, on writing about parenting special-needs children. Children are always a blessing, no matter the challenges, but when a child suffers for whatever reason, a whole family suffers. It's a shared suffering.

How does one walk through parenting years with handicaps constantly changing the rules, the possibilities, the limits? How do you lead a child to a God who allowed their handicaps and chooses not to heal them, all the while pushing your child to overcome obstacles and triumph?

One of my sons doesn't control his emotions, his impulses, his passions, his body. And attention to detail eludes him unless he's indulging a passion. While indulging that passion--such as the search for the perfect pet--he will eat and drink too little and his body will remain tense, his mood intense, his behavior ugly. When it's all said and done, he'll find no satisfaction and he'll be spent, exhausted, irrational...looking for the next "fix"...the next obsession.

His mind, suited for fight or flight, doesn't know how to function without intense stimulation. He will irritate those around him for fun when unoccupied, just to stimulate his brain. A brain that can't seem to rest.

No matter the years on the calendar, he doesn't get any closer to managing himself.

Even in his relationship with God, he has trouble attending to details. The discipline of prayer, of Bible reading---it's all a tremendous fight to persevere...to let the words, the comfort, sink in and transform. It's as though his spirit as well as his body is constantly restless and on edge.

The whole family, it has no choice but to ride the waves the speed boat--my son's brain--leaves in its wake. Usually we stay afloat just fine, but sometimes we sink in despair and need rescuing.

And always, we wish it could be different.

My son is not unhappy with his brain or with the condition itself, per se. He doesn't know how a normal brain functions so he doesn't know what he's missing. And in certain ways, his disorder has advantages. In fight or flight situations, he excels.

His pain comes from constantly disappointing people--from rarely seeing approval in people's eyes. From taking longer to complete the same arduous tasks and seeing the result look far worse--whether it be handwriting or making a bed. Though in things he likes to do, the results please him and others.

His work ethic is constantly suspect and uninformed people label these kids lazy brats. Or if they are adults...lazy idiots.

As a parent I worry about his future wife, his future children, his future job...about his joy and peace. His disorder is highly heritable--his own father and my half-brother both have a form of it. At least one of his children will probably have it, or worse. How will he cope with a special-needs child when his own brain is different? How will his wife cope with two unique brains in the house, changing the way everyday life looks? Changing the expectations she grew up with for how people react, cope, persevere?

Should my son even get married...and if he doesn't how will he combat loneliness and impurity?

The question Ann asks is really this: When daily reality is achingly hard and there are more questions than answers...how does one live? How does one get up every day and want to try?

The answer is glorious in its simplicity. Whereas others have a choice about whether to pursue God every day or not, the sufferer doesn't. Daily life feels too heavy and the prospect of getting up too daunting, without the strength of the Lord.

When the Apostle Paul tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...I get it! I really get it!

Because Christ's power? I have to wield it or I would sink piteously into my bed most days, unwilling to persevere. 

And when my children go to sleep at night basking in warm memories of a good day, I have the Lord to thank. Only Him, for in my own strength I botch our days something fierce. 

Day by day as I walk with him faithfully, the Lord teaches me how to transcend circumstances so that my heart and mind dwell in heaven already...they dwell in the perfection of eternity. When turmoil threatens me, I know the answer comes in adjusting my gaze. I can walk on the water when my gaze is right. And when my gaze lowers, we all sink.

It is a daily practicing, a daily trusting his promises and seeing His glory revealed.

No, I wouldn't have chosen this. My son and my family, they wouldn't have chosen this. The Lord in his wisdom and love, he gave us turmoil as a gift. He's taught me to see it as gift, and how to present it to my family as gift.

And in the end, I love Him more. I trust Him more. I need Him more. I bask in more. I live the truth that less is more.

And as I finish writing this, there are tears. Tears of joy, tears of thankfulness. Tears of triumph. Not my triumph, but His. 

And living for Him...wanting Him to triumph? It feels perfect.

Linking with Ann today, at Walk With Him Wednesday

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