Thursday, January 17, 2013

Pink Lines: A Piece of Heaven

Note to Terra: I read your comment about Chelsea and Peter and Beth. Thank you!. I'm having trouble getting into and replying to e-mails on both my accounts, but especially on the one attached to the blog. I think these computers are just too old now.

I remember the bursting joy at the pink line. I remember the tears and the gratitude and the wonder. In my mind nothing compares, other than birth itself, to that explosion of goodness.

I remember losing Isaac at 21 weeks and the grief that swallowed me afterwards. Only Peter's pregnancy confirmed five months later saved me. Waiting those months felt like an eternity and when I finally let go of my obsessive desire and let God have his way, it happened.

Another pink line, this time welcomed with different tears. Tears that spilled gratitude and grief woven together in a tight braid of saving grace.

Yes, I lost two babies (at ages 34 and 39,) and had two surprise babies at ages 40 and 42. When Beth's pregnancy was confirmed I didn't immediately let myself bathe in the joy because at age 42, I listened to the world. I felt too old and wrinkled and everyone around me did not feel a new pregnancy was a blessing. My pregnancies were always high risk, for one thing.

But as I leaned into Him I knew and experienced the miracle and the blessing. If it were not for my husband's vasectomy I would have kept going beyond age 42, trusting Him with my family size. The more babes I had in my arms the more I knew: this is the most sanctifying existence a woman can hope for. And the more you have to stretch, the more sanctifying it is. Infertility is equally as sanctifying--perhaps even more so.

Having two babies I didn't expect did soften the wounds from two miscarriages. Not erase, but significantly soften and for that I'm forever grateful. My friend Tesha lost precious Jonathan last January 24th, at 20 weeks gestation. May I ask for prayer that God will bless them with more babies? So few hearts are willing to keep loving and sacrificing and being inconvenienced. This family has so much love to give and my heart wants many more for them, especially to soften the pain from Jonathan's passing. Of course Jonathan can never be replaced, but a sibling to receive Momma's love right now would be so beautiful and healing.  They are ready to accept God's will for their fertility; they're brave and faithful. Endometriosis has been confirmed and treatment will probably be necessary, so hope is on hold for a time.

Please pray, for this is so hard for Jonathan's Momma? No matter that she already has five children she's raising. Each loss is still felt in the depths of the soul, no matter how many children run around the house. We can't ever say, "At least you have five others" and expect that to be understood by the grieving Momma. A baby lost is hands-on-love on hold and the hurt is unspeakably deep.

One of the AWANA teachers we know, a young mom of four, is sixteen weeks along with her fifth child. To me that was the happiest of news. I expressed congratulations and joy for her. Her husband is a pastor without a pastoral job right now, though he's looking for another. He's supporting his family working at Rubbermaid and dreams linger in the air. Finances are probably tight as well, but this family? They trust Him. Their faith is grander than their bank account and the economic forecast. Grander than cold and flu season and sleepless nights with many littles. Their faith is grander than kiddy chaos and messy floors and no time to themselves. Grander than wrinkled mommy tummies and varicose veins and breasts that fall and hips that widen.

Love and embrace that new body, as you thank the Lord who graciously blessed you.

When we trust him with our family size we're confirming for the world: God is good. Whatever grief each pink-line journey brings, God is good. If Down Syndrome surprises on birth day, God is still good.

As more and more Down Syndrome babies are aborted (it's about 90%), these special children will disappear and the loss will be felt in our world. Each baby, each life, has value and something to teach and God is always good. Always wise.

Another teacher, hearing the pink-line news, said hesitantly, "And is that good news?" It wouldn't have been good news to her and she said so. She wanted to ask first before congratulating this expectant mother. That just saddened me, and I don't really know why because I know motherhood is different for everyone. I can't expect everyone to feel exceeding joy and the Lord can be served in a myriad of ways, not only through motherhood.

But when I meet a woman who gets it, I want to hug her and tell her: "Thank you for understanding God's heart as concerns babies and children. Thank you for being a vessel of faith for His will. Thank you for seeing each life as a miracle and a blessing."

Thank you for shouting to the world through the power of your womb and your loving arms

God is good.

Note: If anyone out there is hoping for a pink line and waiting and waiting, please ask for prayer? I will be faithful to keep asking Him for you. You can leave a comment that won't be published.

Psalm 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 139:13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

John 16:21 When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

Numbers 6:24-26
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Malachi 2:15
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.

3 John 1:4
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

Psalm 100:1-4
A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.

1 Timothy 2:15
Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

1 comment:

Tesha said...

Thank you my friend you are a treasurer! I am praying for many blessing for you as well!