Passing Him Out

Miss Beth awoke at 11:00 PM and as I soothed her, I too fell asleep. That is, until 2:30 AM when insomnia started. No disaster precipitated the insomnia, other than perhaps peri-menopause? I haven't known insomnia like this since the first trimester of all my pregnancies.

One of my downward-spiral thoughts: What am I doing spilling my heart on the Internet? I should look into printing this off and then hit "delete blog".


The story of the soldier who snapped in Afghanistan weighs heavily on my mind lately. Never before has the toll of war hit me so hard. Am I off base in thinking we simply don't have enough soldiers to fulfill our commitments? More than one or two combat tours is unacceptable. The scars run too deep and affect too many people intimately. Recent evidence indicates that soldiers' combat-related disorders aren't given enough weight by superiors, and often a disability classification is denied, despite the soldiers struggling to make a living with their deeply-felt physical and emotional scars.

If we send them to defend us, shouldn't we take care of them upon their return? Shouldn't we deeply appreciate them and their families, regardless of our political feelings about war?

This soldier's wife, she spilled her heart on the Internet in her own family-adventures blog. After major newspaper outlets began delving into every aspect of their lives, a few sentences from her blog were published, which have since been taken down. I can't even imagine what this wife is going through, knowing her husband will either be put to death or spend his life in prison. How will she explain it to her children and how will she make a living? What if they show her face, and her two children's faces, in the newspapers? Will they dare do that, these news outlets with the low ethics standards? This family is surely at risk for assassination.

While I don't anticipate any of us being fodder for a news outlet, I'm still taking a risk with my words here, even with fictitious names.

I tossed and turned about this, and about the number of people I know who are struggling to make a living. Some skill sets have become obsolete, and many more are in less demand because of outsourcing and the state of the economy. My eyes roll back thinking what the cost of education has become, compared to wages. My $26,000 in student loans borrowed for an undergraduate degree followed by a teaching credential back in 1984-1990, has risen to between $60,000 -  $72,000 for a comparative education and credential.

There are no guarantees for anyone and how do we deal with that reality? How do we live a life with no earthly securities? Savings accounts, investments, and college degrees aren't guarantees, as we've seen in the last several years.

And what will I do for a living after my husband, eight years my senior, retires? His work keeps him in the best physical shape possible, but still, that doesn't mean he won't suffer from a disease or injury. Last week I renewed my California teaching credential for another five years; it's easier to get a credential in another state if you have a valid one somewhere else.

Life...it's sweet, isn't it?

But the blessings around every corner, they don't always outnumber the hardships.

In the wee hours, the answer came to me. This is why I write brave. Because our stories matter. Our stories point the way for those coming after us, and for those in the trenches right now. Definitely when my children venture into the world, I'll print off the best of this blog and then hit "delete blog". My grandchildren won't know me long before I die, but they'll have this accounting of my heart.

Will it matter? Will this picture of my life, with all its nuances and sorrows and joys, help them move forward bravely in the face of hardship and after loss? Will they learn to give thanks, to weep at His feet, to love sacrificially?

My words here, the pagan world will twist them, painting me a religious lunatic who woefully misled her children. This remote thought scares and saddens me, but the other side is this:

When I read brave stories telling of real life--sorrowful, complicated, messy life--I'm changed. 


Those stories help me move forward in many difficult areas. They remind me I don't suffer alone. They remind me to rejoice with those who rejoice, and suffer with those who suffer. They remind me that joy is there for the taking, even when my impulsive ADHD son kills his new pond fish by scooping them up with the net far too frequently, to study them. Or when he scribbles with ink on the table basket I keep the napkins in, or on the decorative baskets I keep the crayons and pencils in.

Brave stories help me to love, to forgive, to see my own depravity. They compel me to give my fellow man room to make mistakes, to be human, to be aggrieved descendants of Adam and Eve.

When we water down life with protective words, we don't spill wisdom. We aren't changed through the catharsis of expressing sorrow to arrive at Truth.

My words here are my worship, my listening-to-the-Holy-Spirit time. I could write privately in a journal, but I need the connection with other hearts. That connection is one of His graces.

I need every grace he offers to navigate this most uncertain journey, with adjustments around every turn, like wrinkles, insomnia, and mood swings...all things I can't will away but must embrace.

Rejecting God's story for us leads to bitterness; embracing and giving thanks lead to joy.

I want that soldier's wife to know this right now. I want you, my heart friends, to know. And I want to keep preaching it to myself and to my grandchildren over and over.

Embracing brings surrender and in surrendering we die to ourselves to inherit His vertical love.

And then when our hearts are so full they're bursting, we can pass Him out horizontally.

This is the meaning of life as I know it...

...becoming engorged with Him and passing our abundance along.

When Peace Doesn't Bring Happiness

That letter I needed to write to the marginal Christian woman, the one who left her husband because "he was too fat and he wouldn't go to church"? I finally wrote it in the wee hours last night.

I prayed before writing, while writing, and before hitting "send". It may be too little, too late? They both lawyered up and negotiations commenced, but this is when the words came together for me. I'll trust God that the imperfect effort was not in vain, and that the woman won't punch me in the face at church come Sunday.

Christian Truth, it offends.

I don't know the woman well, but the thing I hear around is this: She's a receiver. Some people give and some receive and the receivers are harder to love. I sense the people who deal with her only half want God's transforming miracles. In the recesses of their minds, they wonder if they're better off without her.

"Won't family times goes smoother, without the strain of dealing with a difficult person? We'll just breathe easier with her gone."

Isn't that Satan's lie in every divorce situation? "We're better off without the strain. It's just too hard."


Part of me always loves the underdog. No one wants this woman. Yes, she's made her bed by being difficult, but who gave her this personality? Can she snap her fingers and will something different from her brain, and doesn't God love her so much he endured the nail piercings for her?

Does the cross only cover the easy-to-love? The givers and not the takers?

The mother-in-law, she says it will take a miracle like the parting of the Red Sea. She believes in miracles, she tells me, and as I listen, I am certain of this: She doesn't want this miracle. She wants to be rid of this daughter-in-law.

What will God do, I wonder all day today. Will He let the strong-willed, marginally-Christian wife keep shoveling herself into a lonely hole?

Or will He let the mother-in-law, the one who's been a strong Christian for years, see something she's never seen before?

That in embracing the hard route--the one we can least stomach--we get the most peace? And isn't the hardest route the one that always leads us back to His Word?

Peace comes when we're exhausted from our efforts, emptied, weeping, and ready to let Him take over.

But peace isn't happiness. Life can still be difficult, in the presence of peace. Even with the strong presence of God's spirit, personalities don't fundamentally change--I've seen that in my own home.

Peace is a Person.

Please pray with me that all involved will embrace Peace? That they won't be afraid of the Red Sea answer?

My Blessing List for Thursday

~ When the girls earn pennies or nickels for helping with chores, they count them, play with them, and then leave them on the floor or on the counters, despite my ideas for better places. The solution? Piggy banks, which I found at Walmart for a dollar each. They were intended for the Easter bucket presents this weekend, but pennies all over the house compelled me to fish them out early. (We do the cultural/kiddy part of Easter early, so that the spiritual part is paramount as the real Easter approaches.)

The piggy's snout doesn't come off easily so the design is perfect for actually keeping the money in the bank. I bought four and my ecstatic children suddenly had to make money. They fixated on it for a few hours, folding towels, sweeping floors and shuffling laundry. That spiraled into digging for pennies in drawers and under cushions. As they tore the house apart I had to think fast.

Pennies for reading? Hmm. I'd love to read ten to twenty books to the girls each day, but spills happen and the dryer bell rings and little people keep getting thirsty. So I told the boys I really needed help with daily storytimes. Mary loves to memorize books and then read them back to us, a feat requiring multiple readings of the same books. We first realized she was memorizing books when she chanted a library favorite to us, nearly word for word from the text! Amazed doesn't begin to cover our reaction. This is the book: Ladybug Girl And Bumblebee Boy. Short and simple it isn't. I long suspected Mary is an auditory learner, but now I'm sure. Paul, my only visual learner (Beth also memorizes books well), never went through this memorizing stage as a youngster.



Anyhow, my children sit and giggle at books together often now, with the girls drinking in every word. Mary started putting all the books she's memorized in a special box. When she "reads" one to someone, she gets a nickel for her own piggy bank. Needless to say, I'll have to get to the bank today for a couple rolls of nickels. IOU's on slips of paper aren't cutting it.

~ I usually start my day running; there's medicine to administer, laundry to start, breakfast to prepare, little people to dress. When my head aches, however, and the Tension Headache medicine needs thirty minutes to work, I start my day cuddling on the couch with the three younger ones, drinking in their sweet smells and feeling that my life is absolutely perfect. This morning Miss Beth narrated Cowboy Dora to me, telling me she'd really like some cowboy cookies and could I make some, please? Mommy said maybe we can try to find a cowboy cookie cutter at a party store. Then for the next fifteen minutes I had to draw cowboy hats for my two girls, who wondered how we could turn the picture into a cookie cutter? I suspect that later I'll be forming cowboy hats from rolled cookie dough with a butter knife? Pictures to follow, I think? Hopefully I'll convince them to use our spring flower cookie cutters instead. Anyway, somewhere between the hugs and giggles and drawings, my headache disappeared. I knew there was a reason for headaches. They keep busy moms in touch with what's really important...slowing down to delight in little ones.

~ Peter's learned about an amazing thing that libraries allow...putting books on hold via the computer. His computer time is limited to 25 minutes a day, not counting school projects. Suddenly he's spending a great deal of time searching for farm and gardening titles, sending Momma to the library window at least two times a week to pick up his holds--which he obsesses about until I pick them up. By the time he's 18 he'll be able to run a farm by himself. We already started praying for farm-land money, despite farming being a declining practice due to conglomerates. I choose not to dwell on that; God is bigger than monopolies and He put this love of farming into my son's heart.

~ Spring and fall mud used to render me close to tears. But now that we're six years into this climate, my eye rolling dramatically decreased. I've come to accept that every romp outside this time of year involves a load of laundry and vigilant protection of carpets, including undressing my children outside as much as possible, and then carrying them to the shower. It also involves mud pies on the driveway, which for some reason make me smile rather than frown.

~ Little girls begging me to wash and cut the strawberries.

~ Husband home sick today. He let his cold get so bad, he's now wheezing with every step. I think that's a blessing to have him home? I'll let you know more later? Men have these funny ideas about how one gets rid of a bad cold. Like over dressing and "sweating" it out? Do you hear these things from your husband, or was my husband just a bachelor for far too long? He also has pink-eye, which I thought we'd seen the last of. It really appears to be bacterial, rather than viral. Unfortunately, I think the children can get reinfected with this if we're not careful? I don't think the body creates antibodies to bacteria as much as to viruses, which we can't get twice.

~ Miss Beth pulling my sleeve in earnest, pointing to her grocery list with the two letter o's on it. "Pees buy tea and milk, okay Mommy?" (We don't drink tea, but I love her list anyway.)

~ Paul asking me this morning: "Mommy, do you think you'll have time to bake cookies today? I always like to have dessert around. I can go days without it, but I really like it when you bake." (I baked two batches on Sunday, but they're long gone.)


~ Peter started reading How Do Dinosaurs Learn to Read? to Miss Beth. I heard him say the title first: "How Do Dinosaurs Learn to Read?", followed my Miss Beth's unexpected answer: "I don't know." Oh, the giggles from Peter at this. He marveled at how cute Beth is, telling me, "Isn't she going to make someone a wonderful wife someday, Mommy? She's so sweet I wish I could marry her." That girl is not only cute, but spunky and funny as well. Exactly the kind of wife Peter needs someday.

Peter really delights in children. When he says he'll allow his wife to have as many children as God allows, I believe it. He knows--but this is secondary to his love for them--that he'll need help running that farm, as Ann's pig farm shows him (he loves her photos). Concerning children, he really understands the blessing in the midst of the chaos. So often in our culture it's the chaos that reigns in people's minds, and they want no part of it.

Hurrah for a messy life! Bless our messes, Lord!

Raising Holy Kids

"Suspence" Charles Burton Barber

Miss Mary let me know today, again, that Pocohontas is her favorite and why does it have to go back to Goodwill?

I gave her the same answer I've reiterated for the last three days.

"God doesn't want us doing those close, long kisses before we get married. The couple in the movie didn't even get married. They had no business sharing those kisses together. God created long kisses as a special gift for married people. That means God wouldn't like this movie. It's hard sometimes, Mary, but we must please God, not ourselves. We have to make hard choices."

Tonight as everyone slept, I read this in 1 Peter 1:13-15 (emphasis mine):

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

"Holy" is from the Greek word that means "separated," and in this case it means separated from sin and therefore consecrated to God, or set apart for a sacred purpose. 

Just as children struggle with peer pressure, adults do too. The church mirrors the world more than ever before. Many Christian parents have one foot in church and another in the world. If they like a movie that's Rated R, they go see it. If they like a worldly show, they turn it on in their homes. Everybody is doing it, so it must be okay. 


Holiness? It's lonely. You won't find many people committed to it. You'll hear common sentiments like, "You can't shelter your kids too much. You have to trust them to make the right decisions."


Parenting doesn't come with guarantees. Ever.


But these 5 things will give our children a fighting chance:

1. Mom and Dad need to love holiness. We need to make holy decisions about what magazines, computer software, games, shows, clothing, movies, language, and attitudes we allow in our home and hearts. We need to make holy decisions about whom we call friends. Do the friends have a holy standard for their own lives? We must love everyone, but choose our friends wisely.

2. Most of the time that children are away from their family, whether it be in school, in sports programs, or at friends' houses, they're going to encounter either unholy words, unholy attitudes, or unholy ideas.
When they walk back into our home, we need to wash them clean of the world. We have to ask questions--be willing to gently probe for anything that seemed uncomfortable or confusing to them, or that seemed contrary to Mom and Dad's teaching, or to the Bible's teaching. If we fail to do this washing they'll slowly build up a world view that is contrary to holiness. We might not realize it's happening until it's too late. Jesus spent all day and night with his disciples. That's what it took to instill His ways. If we can't or don't spend 24/7 with our children, we have to be steadfast--very intentional--about instilling holiness.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 (about discipleship of children--see my underlined sentences especially)

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.  

3. Our children need to hide God's Word in their hearts. How much Scripture are they familiar with, off the top of their heads? The key here is to review Scripture over and over. Even if they can't get the words exactly right, do they know most of the key verses--enough to understand and discuss the concepts taught? I urge you to look into Scripture memory programs. My own children do AWANA, which is heavy in review, but there are many resources out there for purchase.

4. Our children need to understand that holiness is lonely. They won't be the most popular kid around. They may be persecuted because of their views and choices. A strong, cohesive family unit helps with that loneliness. Family time needs to be paramount so that kids experience profound love and acceptance. If they don't have family filling up their love and acceptance cups, they'll look elsewhere for that sense of belonging.

If you love holiness and strive after it, you won't be the most popular parent around. People will talk behind your back. They'll question your choices. They'll say you need to get a life outside of your kids. They'll call you a helicopter parent. They'll say you're snobby and judgmental. Expect it. Cling to your relationship with God, with your husband, and with your Christian family.

5. We need to be praying parents. Pray God's word for your children, your future grandchildren, your future sons- and daughters-in-law, your children's friends and cousins:


Scripture list found here.


Acts 19:20.........I thank you Father that Your Word prevails over our children. 
Isa 54:13...........That they are taught of the Lord and continue to be 
Prov 13:1.......... the fruit of godly instruction and correction. 
Isa 54:13...........Great is their peace and undisturbed composure. 
Prov 2:6............ Father, give us counsel and wisdom in bringing up our children.
1Pet 1:14.......... I say they are obedient, not conforming to the things of the flesh,
1Pet 1:15.......... but holy, in all conduct. 
1Pet 2:2........... desiring the pure milk of the Word that they may grow thereby.
Jas 1:19............That they are swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.
Heb 13:5.......... Their conduct is without covetousness,
Heb 13:5.......... and they are content with what they have.
Heb 13:16......... They do not forget to do what is right and to share. 
2Pet 3:18.......... I pray that they grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord,
1Thes 4:1......... and abound more and more in how they should walk and please You.
1Pet 5:5........... That they submit to their elders, and to one another,
1Pet 5:5........... being clothed with humility.
1Pet 5:7........... That they cast their cares upon You, Father, for You care for them.
Jas 1:22............I thank You that they are doers of the Word, and not hearers only,
Ph'm 1:6...........effectively sharing their faith. 
2Tim 1:7 ..........not having a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
2Tim 1:9...........Father, You have saved them and called them with a holy calling, 
2Tim 1:9 ..........not according to works, but according to Your own purpose.
2Tim 4:18.........Deliver them from every evil work and preserve them.
John 10:5 ........They will by no means follow strangers, not knowing their voices. 
2Tim2:22 .........They abide with others who call on the Lord out of a pure heart,
Jas 3:10 ..........and cursing comes not out of their mouth.
1Jn 5:18 ..........Because Jesus keeps them safe, the wicked one does not touch them. 
Ps 91:11..........Give Your angels special charge to accompany, defend, preserve
Ps 4:8.............and provide safety for them, day and night.
1Jn 2:5 ...........Because they keep Your Word, Your love is being perfected in them.
1Jn 2:15 .........They do not love the world or the things in the world, 
3Jn 1:11..........and they do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. 
1Jn 1:7 ...........They walk in the light as You are in the Light,
Jas 4:8 ...........cleansing their hands and purifying their hearts, 
2Tim 2:22 .......They follow after righteousness, faith, love, and peace.
Heb 13:18........They have a good conscience and desire to live honorably,
Prov 3:4 ..........having favor and high esteem with God and man. 

Finally, do not be afraid. Be set apart and fight the good fight.

1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 


Philippians 3:12
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me 



1 Timothy 1:19
holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith. 



2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 



photo credit

Blessing List for Tuesday

~ After a horrendous morning yesterday, my Peter calmed considerably. Someone out there prayed? Oh, I'm indebted to you. Thank you. One Christian upholding another is a beautiful thing, which is why we can't keep our sorrows buried.

~ warmth of spring

~ tulips coming up

~ robins back in our yard, considering nesting places

~ children outside, laughing and playing without jackets, getting back in shape after too little winter exercise

~ family walks are back

~ I have a Disney prejudice because so many of their films are worldly. In fact, we never purchased any of their films until recently. When we saw and loved Mary Poppins, I decided to try some old Disney and picked up a few videos at a thrift store. Problem is I also picked up Pocohontas, which is more new Disney--something I wasn't thinking of at the time. It has premature intimacy in it, including a long mouth kiss, and Indian beliefs about the earth which are hard to counter in a young mind. Children tend to watch movies more than once, making it more likely that the content becomes truth to them. I believe pre-marital mouth kisses invite Satan into the relationship, making purity a lot more doubtful. Mary loved the film--calling it her favorite--and is terribly upset that I'm giving it back to Goodwill. The whole on-going issue with her reminds me of her stubbornness and how much I need to pray that she channels it for good, and that it doesn't cause her to drift from Him or His Word. I list this as a blessing only for that reason, and because I understand anew the importance of not compromising on what children are exposed to. Much prayer is needed to keep stubborn hearts close to His.

~ Titus 2 women to emulate

~ the comfort of prayer

~ little ones to hug and delight in

~ changes of season (they always give us something to look forward to)

~ children who forgive one another

~ The power of His Word in our children's lives, doing more in their hearts than we, as flawed parents, can ever do. If we do nothing else right, let's get this right...making our homes rich in His Word.