Rethinking Summer For Kids

When I began as a homeschooling mother five years ago, I tried to recreate an institutionalized setting at home, complete with calendar time, desks, and the Pledge of Allegiance. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Gradually though, I began to loosen my mind from the mass education mold I'd grown up in and taught in professionally. Thinking outside the box, I grew into our freedom as homeschoolers.




We've schooled into mid August for two years now, and taken part of August, all of September, and part of October off.  The humidity, and the weather in general, are better in September and October, making them ideal months for outdoor activities like hiking and biking.

Now, five years into homeschooling, I'm rethinking the structure of a school year entirely. Why does the traditional structure exist? When did it begin and why?

When mass schooling began in America, students were given the summer off to help on the family farm. Their abled bodies were needed; paying for farm help wasn't an option for most families. Family sizes were typically much larger then too, further facilitating family farm life.



Is our country structured the same way now? Decidedly not. Family farms are disappearing in alarming numbers, much to our dismay. That way of life seems ingrained into my ten-year-old. He wants it with his whole heart--large family and all.

We can only pray, along with Ann Voskamp and her husband--a Canadian farm family fearing their own demise--that family farmers find a way to preserve their way of life. And we can commit to buying local produce.



Now that children aren't working family farms all summer, what are they doing instead?

The unfortunate answer? Not much. We've replaced summers of hard work, with summers of leisure. I don't mean you or me personally, but our country as a whole. Kids are driven to this or that program or experience, one after the other, all summer. Instead of instilling a work ethic in our young people, we're spoiling them. Treating them like summer camp customers we'd like to see again the following summer.

No wonder our young men are "failing to launch" when they hit eighteen, either as college students, trade students, or working hard in some field. They simply aren't prepared emotionally and mentally, after living such a pampered life.

Yes, thirteen years of school is hard work, but kids need other responsibilities as well--other kinds of work and discipline, to be fully prepared for a life of work. After Adam and Eve, life became work. We can mourn this all we want, but it is reality.



But absolutely, kids need down time, just as we do.

Let's analyze how their down time is best used. Is structured activity the best?  I don't think so. The people who invent, plan, structure, and carry out activities for others? They use higher level thinking skills and leadership skills. The people who participate in the activities? They sometimes need thinking skills, but not as a rule. Generally, they're being entertained, or working on one skill, or maybe they're exercising.

What if kids had to invent their own fun? Plan puppet shows, design sets, write scripts? What if playing a team sport meant planning it with the neighborhood kids--deciding on the rules, times, equipment, recruitment?

Do we have to farm every childhood experience out to "experts"? Or can we allow kids to become experts themselves, by experiencing process? You've heard it's not the destination that matters, but the journey itself?

Have you ever been asked to teach on a certain passage of Scripture? You have to study pretty hard, looking at background and history, different interpretations, and then you have to decide how to present the material to your group.

By the time your lesson is over, you've potentially grown in many ways. And perhaps best of all? You realize anew: You get out of something what you put into it. If kids want a summer to remember, let them put something into it--besides just Mommy and Daddy's money.

If you're a homeschooler, remember that you don't have to do anything a certain way. Not the summer, not the school year. You can blend the best of both worlds, by structuring your year the way it works best for you and your family.

We don't need summer to teach what we can't teach during the school year. How about making life a smooth one piece? To that end, we're praying around here about moving to a Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday school schedule, year round, with Wednesday, Friday, and the weekend off, except for heavy snow months. In January and February we'll school five days a week, to total around 180 school days per year.

And the weekends? Except for cooking, I plan to have no-work weekends. Strictly family time. Down time. With Daddy working 54 hours a week, we need to make the most of the hours we're together. When we do chores seven days a week, it wastes the rest time God wants for us. Leaving one day free to worship God together in different ways, beyond just church? It makes sense for the soul.




Having Wednesday and Friday off from school (or whatever arrangement we decide on), as well as the weekend, gives my children more time to explore their interests and invent their own activities, practicing leadership and higher level thinking skills, and cooperative learning skills.

It also gives them more time to help our home run smoothly. Mommy and Daddy shouldn't have to do everything, save for the twenty or so minutes of chores our older children do. I am a manager of my home, yes, but I needn't be swamped every minute of the day. That's just bad management. Kids should move into adulthood knowing what hard work feels like. They should be capable of taking over as manager, by the time they leave our home.

The girls will someday, God willing, have their own homes to manage. And if they aren't blessed with children, they'll probably have some type of job to manage, as well. And the boys? They'll need management and organizational skills for whatever endeavor they pursue.

On Wednesday and Friday, their days off from school, the children will be my partners. No, not all day. If we work as a team, this home can be better than it ever was, in far less time.

Whether you homeschool or not, think about what summer can be. Think outside the box.

I can testify--and you can too--that it's hard to let kids loose with their time. It's messy when they invent and create. And it's noisy. There are false starts, with sibling rivalry and whining. And teaching them to help around the house in productive ways? That's very challenging as well. We have to patiently train, and consistently check up on their progress and work ethic.


But what is our goal? To have as much peace as possible? To have as many kid-free hours as possible?

Or to release God-fearing, hardworking, creative people into the world, to impact it for Christ? 

photo credits:
 first photo
second photo
third photo
four and five and six
last photo

on humor

My clock says eleven forty-nine.  But this day can so end right now, far as I'm concerned.  Only my six year old behaves lately.   The rest listen not.  The baby sleeps not.   I walk around trying to figure out what I've done wrong.

But I know what I've done wrong.

Financial worries weigh on me.  My parenting focus falters.

God will, I suspect, come through for us.  Somehow though, knowing that doesn't help with the weariness.

More time in the Word will help.  Only sometimes emotional exhaustion makes disciplined reading difficult.

Have you been there?

I'm here talking to you, so I can avoid saying something I'll regret to my eight year old.  I love him dearly, but stressful times for Momma mean that his ADHD symptoms rise exponentially.  His condition remains incentive to dwell close to the Almighty, daily drawing strength from that connection. Sometimes I am better at focusing on the blessings associated with his condition.  Today?  Not so much.

And what do I find online?  A little humor.  From the Pioneer Lady.  Rich and famous, she shares nothing of my experience.  And yet God has gifted her to help.  Humor is a gift.  We don't appreciate it nearly enough, until it proves our saving grace.

Self focus.  A detrimental sin.

Yet, we never learn.

The beauty of humor lies in its ability to bounce our focus immediately off ourselves.  Much of published humor rings foul, but we can't let that detract from the fact that God invented humor.  I see it as a packaged gift for the taking--a blessing.

Read about The Pioneer Woman's texting adventures.

daily blessings and lessons

- God is forever stretching me.  But patiently.

- My children are forever stretching me--impatiently.  Resulting in my having to grow patience.

- Children leave you a better person.

- Babies and toddlers make it impossible to plan anything or teach school the way we presume it should be done.  This gem of an article addresses that:  The baby is the lesson.

- It's easy as a homeschooling mother to pop a video in so the squirrelly preschooler will let us "teach". I consider it a blessing to have read the above article today, so I can resist that temptation.

- My boys both knew their letters and sounds and could attempt simple blending of sounds by the time they were Mary's age.  Mary only recognizes a few letters and no numbers.  She is bright but doesn't have the same interests the boys had.   She'll sit for books or table activities for a fraction of the time they did.  God is coaching me to stop comparing and let her shine in the way He has ordained.  She may end up the better student of the bunch, down the line.  Or she may be average.  Whatever.  She needs me to seek out her uniqueness and celebrate it with her.  My heart can't require her to like what I like.  I consider it a blessing that God is showing me this now--when she's only three.

- My Peter loves to cook--a fact I've emphasized before.  Dry black beans soaked on the counter all last night and all day today.  The last thing he said before falling asleep:
 "Are we going to make the black bean soup tomorrow?  Are we for sure?  Really?"
His strong interests and passions are a blessing.  He will need them to help him relax and self-regulate as he grows up, marries, and has his own children. He's extremely high strung and needs multiple outlets.

- As I process what I've learned about Kenya this week, God is teaching me so much.  One of the areas is in how I raise my children.  I see how much work I have to do to raise grateful children.  I've (we've) erred in giving them too much.  This isn't the first time I've realized this, but it is the first time I've realized that overindulging a child is sin, on the parent's part.

It's a wrong notion that because one finds a toy for fifty cents at a garage sale, it's okay to buy it, since it's so affordable.  God is driving home strongly that too many things spoil a child.  It's the amount of giving and the frequency of giving.  I've resisted purging toys because I've suspected home babysitting might once again be necessary.  This week, God has released me from these toys, so to speak.  Many of them are going to Goodwill in the next month.  I will do it in secret as I have time, to avoid stressing the children or making them feel like I'm punishing them.  I'll explain only when they ask for a specific missing toy.  They don't play with many of their things, other than the classics--like Legos, TinkerToys, Lincoln Logs, train set, toy dishes/play kitchen, puzzles, books, blocks, art supplies.  Mary has never been one to play with dolls, but I'll keep them for Beth, and for sister fun for later.

- The Raising Godly Tomatoes wisdom helped me get tighter control over the children.  But I'm learning that it only goes so for.  It's really my behavior that teaches my children--not some system.  I have to gain control over my responses first and foremost.  Not be perfect, but know that my standards for my own behavior have to be higher than my standards for them.

Don't misunderstand though--The Raising Godly Tomatoes site is a good place to start, if you feel your kids have become disrespectful or unruly.

Okay.  Have to get busy finding a good black bean soup recipe.  Good night, Friends!
________________________
I wanted to highly recommend Elise's blog A Path Made Straight.  She is a dear, humble person dedicated to God and to her family.  And she's quite an amazing mother.  Her blog was reader nominated as one of the 100 Best by the Internet Cafe.  She didn't even mention it on her blog.  She lets God shine in her space there. Never any advertising or self-promoting (not that those are always bad).  Humble and true.  Gentle and quiet. Always a beautiful read.

homemaking

When the whole family succumbs to illness, certainly prudent adult behavior would include going to bed early.  You would think so.  But is that what I did last night, given that my throat and head clearly screamed the need for rest?  NO!  Not me.  I seem incapable of such self-control, and had to eat humble pie about yesterday's fruit of the spirit post (self-control being a huge part of that Scripture).

No, I didn't speak harshly or behave poorly today.  But I'm sicker now, for the lack of sleep. Baby Beth tossed and turned in misery for a couple hours, right after I turned in at 1:30 a.m., mostly because Tylenol (generic)--all I had for infants--is a poor fever reducer.  I feel physically drained and horribly foolish.

Reminds me of the Scripture about Paul doing what he does not want to do.


 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  
My husband tells me there is disagreement among theologians regarding this Scripture.  Some feel Paul is talking about the struggles of a Christian, while others feel Paul is referring to his own struggles before becoming a Christian. (Romans 7:15)

Anyhow, after working with the kids all day, going to bed is the last thing on my mind.  It has always been that way with me.  Having down time and doing things I can't do during the day--like read or write or follow the news--becomes powerfully tempting, no matter what my physical state.

Sarah Palin is to speak at the Tea Party Convention, and I have no TV reception (remember that lofty idea?).  I thought the Almighty Internet might have live news available, but not true, so far as I can tell.  Just quick clips after the fact.

So I wasted a lot of time last night trying to find coverage.  The blog remake went surprisingly fast, in comparison

But that isn't what I wanted to share tonight.

Lately, a passion for authentic homemaking--cooking from scratch, eating whole foods, etc.--consumes my thoughts.  I read this post about the lost art of homemaking, and I kept nodding my head.  That's me!  I wasn't taught anything about keeping a home.  For example, I need training in the following:

sewing
cooking
canning
freezing
knitting
mending
crafting
pie making
bread making
baking from-scratch cakes
wallpapering, painting
organization
making laundry detergent, diaper wipes

I really WANT to do all those things.  Not so I can fulfill some ideal picture of womanhood.  No, I've come to really value those things.  They aren't just tasks, in my mind.  I see them as part of the "nurturing package" that is homemaking.

When the rhythm of home life stems from these things, and from loving and schooling children, a simple existence results.  For these things take time and planning, and one can't be galavanting about town, with the family dispersed hither and yon.  The natural result of this rhythm is that the family is in the world, but not of the world.

I was raised with the notion that a woman should get an education so she won't have to rely on a man--not so much a practical teaching, as a "liberated", man-hating one (I think an education is wonderful).  Caring for children and a home was never put forth as a lofty ideal, or even as an option.  Different times, the sixties.  My parents--with the best of intentions--were products of the popular culture.  Without God as their foundation, I don't know how they could have become anything but that.  I'm not finding fault.

Nevertheless, I regret I didn't learn these homemaking skills before the children came.  Now, I'm busy and adding new skills presents a challenge.  But I'll learn some of them, and teach them to my children.  They can choose whatever they want for their lives.  I just don't want them to lack the building blocks of family cohesiveness.  Homemaking tasks are the building blocks, in my mind.

Small increments of progress.  That's my goal.  I will start with preparing my own beans, rather than using canned beans for chili and tacos.

I don't have canning supplies or the know how to prepare my own tomatoes right now, but I can make my own spaghetti sauce, rather than doctor up some Ragu. 

I can make my own taco seasoning.

I can make mac n' cheese from scratch, rather than rely on Kraft (real stuff doesn't appeal to kids as much, but they'll get used to it.)

I can make my own corn bread using corn meal, rather than purchase a Jiffy mix box.

I'll freeze berries and peaches this summer.

Then on some future day, maybe I'll learn to make my own whole-grain bread, and whole-grain tortillas, and whole-grain chips and pasta.

Sound good?  

Or are you rolling your eyes?

pulling the plug

About two years ago I downgraded to basic cable.  Time Warner Cable, even after three phone reminders, never changed our service, although they did reduce our bill to $16.00/mo.

The kids watch mostly PBS, with Nick Jr. being used for Dora and Diego programming.  I watch Fox News about three nights per week, and my husband tapes sports games, which he then never has time to fully watch.

Last November, Paul, 6, began a passion for football and other sports.  He would sit there for a three-hour game (college football--not pros), only getting up to hop around and run through the house periodically, telling us the scores and recapping the best plays.  At first I was amused and amazed; understanding football is not easy.  Then, as Saturday after Saturday found him sitting there far too long, I knew we had a problem on our hands.

I want my children to have passions and hobbies; these are essential for all of us.  Prior to last fall, Paul hadn't developed many interests, besides math and crafts.  So part of me was happy for him.  Perhaps he would want to coach professionally some day, I surmised.  He seemed to fixate on plays and the more technical aspects of the game.

But seeing a 6 year old spend that much time inactive seemed very wrong to me.

Around the same time this began, my Mary began really watching TV, whereas before she simply "checked in" on Dora.  Seeing her staring at the TV, rather than getting involved in a myriad of other enriching activities, distressed me.

I knew we needed to make changes.  However, all my little tricks failed a good percentage of the time.  I'll spare you the various things I implemented, attempting to limit everyone's viewing.

To make a long story short, I called the cable company and told them to shut it all off.  Within three days, we'll have no reception at all, and no rabbit ears.  And this time, I will continually call them, making sure they actually DO shut it off.

One of the reasons I homeschool is to allow my children time to expand their intellects as their interests dictate.  Without reception, I think we'll make leaps and bounds in that direction.  Having cable helped me through pregnancy bedrest, the colicky baby months, the more difficult sleep deprivation months, and the initial unemployment-scare months.  If you're there, don't take this as any judgement on your life--especially if you have no extended family around.

I just knew that for me, it was time to move on.  Time to trust myself.  There was never a question about them; they would adjust beautifully, as they had in the past.  I knew that.  My own adjustment and stress level was the problem.

After I got off the phone with Time Warner, I felt such relief.

My husband was away at school while I made the call.  I waited a whole day before telling him.  Then, I walked into our bedroom, told him about my deed, and then walked out, so he could process the whole thing alone.  March Madness basketball is coming up, and I knew it would be a huge distraction, working to reduce his concentration while studying.  You're probably thinking I am hugely flawed in the area of Christian submission.  Probably true, but right now, my husband is going through a mini crisis.  I think he needs me to pick up some decision-making slack.

In my defense, I can say.......I really felt it was the Holy Spirit putting me through to the cable company.

Ten minutes after hearing the sports-less news, my husband walked up to me, hugged me, and said, "I think it was a good idea."

I was expecting a few days of irritation.  Much relief flooded me.

Then I remembered one of the reasons I married that man.

He seemed to have a teachable heart--always open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  It was never "my way or the highway".

Remaining open to the Holy Spirit, through all stages of life, really saves the Christian from self-inflicted angst.  My husband continually models this for the rest of us--making him a good leader.

some resolutions

Happy New Year!

I've tried a few times to write a post lately, but interruptions abound.  I'll try again now, with some New Year's Resolutions.

I've been dwelling a lot lately on the concept of focus.  It's hard to describe the difficulty I have with this!  Mothering a one year old is just plain hard!  Loaded with blessing, of course, but hard too.  Add a three year old to the mix, and another child with ADHD, and life becomes a whirlwind, spinning Momma hither and yon.  The sudden smelly diaper, a spontaneous spill, the dreaded dryer buzzer, the request for a drink, a snack, a bottle of glue.......the list goes on.  Why did I come down the hall?  Something needed fetching...what was it again?  A roll of papertowels?  A lightbulb?  A washcloth?  What was it, for heaven's sake?

Sound familiar, Mommas?  Sometimes I wonder if I, too, have ADHD.  Then I reject that notion, concluding instead that it's the season of life I'm in.  And also the fact that introspective people often get sidetracked; I definitely fall into the introspective category.

Whatever the reason, I need to conquer this lack of focus.  Legacy-leaving parenting is intentional, not drifting.  My Raising Godly Tomatoes goals, my Scripture memorizing goals, and other goals, depend on focus.

A crazy solution popped into my head this morning, following a few weeks of prayer.  An apron!  Yes...a pocketed apron.

I will wear it to carry:

-  Token behavior system dollars, which work so well with Peter's ADHD, WHEN I remember to give them out right away.  Carrying them with me will help enormously.

- Scripture verses, written on index cards.  They will redirect me when I feel overwhelmed or angry.

- Math flash cards, which work best when used VERY often, for short periods.

- Stop watch, to time my three year old's potty trips.  Otherwise, I forget to take her; she still lacks internal incentive.  I'll change fewer diapers anyway, if I take her more often.

- A note pad, to record things we need at the store.  I used to remember everything we lacked, without fail.  Not so anymore; insufficient sleep affects my memory.

I'll probably think of other uses for the apron, but that's it for now.

New Year's Resolutions

1.  Trust God more

James 1:6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  Parenting is a heavy burden; the stakes are high.  But how my children turn out depends so little on me.  If I pray for help with problematic issues, I have to then lay the issues at the Lord's feet, and trust Him...letting him raise the children through me.

2.  Be quiet

James 1:19  My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  I will be a better mother and wife if I remember this!  Two of my children have affirming words as their love language, and they especially, need me to exercise restraint with the tongue--spewing only kind words, constructive words.

3.  Ask for wisdom more often--this is tied to number 1.

James 1:5  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  As soon as I begin to stress about an issue, I need to take it to the Lord.  I made some progress with this in the last few months, and that progress needs to continue.  My flesh wants to ruminate for a while, and then take it to the Lord.

4.  Be steadfast

James 1:12  Blessed are those who presevere under trial, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  As a perfectionist, I often live with an all or nothing mentality.  If I can't do something as well as I want, I don't do it at all.  I lack steadfastness, due to frustration.  With this Scripture under my belt--and in my apron--I can redirect my perfectionist tendencies and remember to stay on the path.

5.  Learn about the writing industry; practice writing queries, and meeting fake deadlines. As soon as Anna is sleeping through the night, and I am guaranteed some regular, restorative sleep, I need to attempt to earn some money, hopefully from writing articles. 

6.  Move aerobically regularly; lift weights   As an older mom, I can't neglect this, if I want to see my granchildren.  Even if it's just jumping rope for twenty minutes, or dancing; I need to exercise.  I bought an exercise video, but doing it requires uninterrupted time. If this endeavor is important to God, he will provide uninterrupted time this winter.  Other seasons provide more opportunity to exercise with my children.

That's it for this year.  How are your resolutions shaping up?

musings and updates

My Beth didn't cough as frequently after 2 a.m., thankfully.  She won't be needing to see her doctor for now. Daytime finds her energetic and mostly happy, wanting to climb on virtually everything in sight.  Over the phone her doctor indicated that colds can last three weeks, without complications.

First-time obedience training continues around here, modeled loosely after the Raising Godly Tomatoes website.  Staying focused on that awesome task takes a good deal of discipline on my part.  I had to stop myself mid-sentence today, while standing at the dryer, folding clothes.  It was my custom to give directions from whatever room my chores dictated.  I refrained today, and finished folding quickly, before going back to the children and giving directions.

They are doing well for the most part; arguing has lessened considerably already.  However, when my mind gets to wandering during the day, I'll fail to notice--until after the fact--that someone has slipped in a complaint before complying.  Definitely, my focus is essential and determines how quickly things turn around, eventually allowing me to enjoy my children ALL THE TIME.

Many different scenarios swirl around my head for solutions to the laundry problem (it takes up A LOT of my time).  Is there a way to manage it so that our day is not interrupted as frequently?  I've concluded the answer is no, for now.  Keeping up is essential--it will remain a disruption until the older children can wash and process their own loads ( within two years).

As I work on reforming my parenting, the issue of television comes up in my mind frequently.  We have taken TV away from the children several times over the years.  My most visual child, Paul, finds this difficult for a few days, but then adjusts accordingly.  Each time we've done it, however, something has come up, stretching us as parents and leading to television's return (morning sickness, initial job loss and accompanying fear, colicky babies, chronic migraines).  I simply hate the television, because it dumbs down my parenting, as well as their intellects.  Okay, PBS has two math/science programs that really help my boys (CyberChase, Fetch), but the number of repeated shows makes for some wasted time.

Increasingly, I want to sell the TV and just work out the accompanying issues, but my husband won't go for it--college sports are a big draw, even though he usually tapes the games and then never finds time to watch them.  He's under a lot of stress, so now isn't the time to talk about it.

Breaking down the television issue further, I see it's a matter of low expectations on my part.  I assume that without the couple hours of TV they get (1 hour morning, 1 hour afternoon), they would be rambunctious and bored, often getting into wrestling matches and requiring frequent discipline.  There's some truth to this, but using an exercise video, I hope to give them a daily movement class.  Winter temperatures complicate the need-to-move issue here in Ohio, especially for families who lack funds for gym memberships and sports programs.

Every parent has a different situation at home in terms of child spacing, and the level of support enjoyed from family and friends.  In days past, support was more of a given; moms and dads had opportunities to recharge that simply don't exist now.  If your kids watch two hours of TV, or four hours, I'm not judging you.  I've been there without support and my chronic migraines have made for some interesting days.

I record my thoughts on television here only to work toward a solution or schedule, so that it soon becomes a very small part of their lives.  I'm not there yet--just evaluating and reevaluating for now.  The main thing is that I teach them to use their time wisely, for godly, healthy pursuits.

observations & revelations

The family is at church while Momma stays home with little Beth, whose snot nasal mucous lingers.  Asleep now, she will nevertheless sense my writing and awaken shortly.  Okay, a bit of sarcasm there.  Teething and mucousing run my life lately.  Reading in health manuals, you'd expect mucous to end within ten days.  I have two children who defy medical journals, producing mucous for seventeen days on the nose (pun intended).  No more, no less.

Sweet.

As I readied the troops for church, the difference physical proximity makes in the area of discipline and training again struck me.   I used it as a teacher tool, yet somehow it slipped my radar early on in my parenting.  Unfortunate lapse.  Yelling is often precipitated by parenting from another room--children are slower to obey a far-off voice, leading to parental anger.  Managing calmness now, I sense proximity as the stabilizer.

Homeschooling friends join us for dinner this evening, so the colossal cutout-cookie mess made during yesterday's playdate beckons me.  Why, oh why, did I sweep and mop prior to that glorious occasion?  What was I thinking?  It all begs repeating, along with the vacuuming.

Peter and Paul don't know it yet, but vacuuming and sweeping duties commence for them shortly--after a training period, and especially before playdates.  A revision of standards occurred, boys.  You're capable of much more than I previously surmised.

Your wives will thank me.

Delegate.  Delegate.  Delegate.  I can do it.  Yes I can.

My new chant.

day one

So, are you wondering how it went today, on day one of reformed parenting?  How did my "tomatoes" survive the new me?

Here are the juicy (pun intended) details.

First off, I let them know that I had been praying about our parenting, and that God had given me some wisdom.  I started with the changes I needed to make, and explained it like this:  Momma wasn't going to yell or complain anymore, as those things showed that her heart wasn't right.  Momma was going to be cheerful in her parenting, and be generous with her time, her words, and her affection.

Then, I explained the changes they would make.  When a child doesn't obey with cheerfulness, or argues, complains, or whines, that shows a problem with the heart.  It means that the heart is full of rebellion and disrespect, rather than love.  Just because many children do these things, doesn't make them the right things.

Next, I took their little faces in my hands, and gently stroked their cheeks and planted a kiss on them.  While still holding their faces, I asked them to show me a cheerful face.  I told them that is what I wanted to see when a direction was given, whether they liked the direction or not.  I would ask with cheerfulness, and they would obey with cheerfulness.

They then went on their merry ways, and I stayed as close to them as possible.  No more did I attempt to parent them from another room.  If a diaper was being changed in one room, I waited until I was done, and could be in the same room with them, before giving a direction.  I needed to be present and watchful to notice attitudes, so I could follow through immediately with praise or with correction.

As we went through the day, I didn't let anything slip. Each time they tried to argue (or complain) their way out of following a direction, I went over to them right away, took their faces in my hands, gently stroked their cheeks, and said what I wanted them to repeat, "I would be happy to, Mommy."  They had to say it with a cheerful voice, or continue to do it over and over until cheerfulness was present, in face and voice tone.

If they weren't forthcoming with cheerfulness and stayed in rebellion, or walked away and then made a huffy sound, I slapped a hand with one solid tap (not to make for a sore hand, however).  Then we started over and tried it again, until they submitted and did it cheerfully.  Another hand tap wasn't made for the same incident.  We just continued to do the repeating, until the desired response was given.

I made sure I was cheerful throughout the day, even though I had a time crunch in getting the house ready for a 2 p.m. cookie baking/decorating playdate with my cousin's ten-year-old daughter.  It was a delightful time, by the way!

I also chose today to begin reforming mealtime mayhem.  Meals weren't pretty around here.  The first thing I changed was to get everything on the table before calling the family to sit down.  Too many trips back to the kitchen made behavior problems crop up, and made mealtime conversation impossible.

They now couldn't touch or taste their food until all plates were full, and prayer was finished.  And they couldn't leave their sits unless permission was given.  Peter did far better with this than I anticipated.

I asked several questions to start the conversation, such as "What is your favorite holiday food?"  "What is your favorite thing about Christmastime?"  "What is your favorite thing about snow?"  We then went around the table, and everyone had to answer in a complete sentence.  After a few rounds of these types of questions, we played an oral memory game involving trips to the store, in which each player stated what everyone else had bought, and then added one more thing to the list.  The store trips always had a theme, like items for Christmas dinner, or items to use in the snow.

It wasn't bad at all today, considering what I had undertaken.  Not stressful.  No fits were thrown.  No long battles.  I felt so at peace, knowing that I had left the past behind, and that from here on out, they would see changes in me.  Those changes will encourage them, and give them incentive to respond in kind.

I doubt if I will have to make any hand taps tomorrow.  I think a very solid foundation was laid today.  That said, I think it will take a good month for them to refrain from whining or complaining.  Those two issues were the main problems around here--quickly eroding my moods each day.

pride

I continued to ruminate on the idea of calmness today, in parenting and in everything else.  Then, taking a break this afternoon, I came across the Raising Godly Tomatoes website.  It helped me enormously, but before I get to that, let me provide some background.

As a full-time first grade teacher, I managed 210 children over the course of 9 years.  When my parenting years finally arrived, I felt more than ready.  After all, I knew how to manage children.

Sadly, this sin of pride continued for nearly eight years.

God handed me my sin on a platter this week.  Peter's uncontrollable behavior forced me to admit that I was way out of my league.  I was failing in my responses, and in my general parenting, and I needed help.  As I quickly read through some items on the Godly Tomatoes site, I was presented with the error of my ways.  God's timing = simply amazing.  He prepares our hearts, confronts us with our sin, and then gives us the tools we need to move forward.

Deep down, I think I've known for a couple years that my parenting was lacking.  However, I still clung to my pride, as if it were a shield of some sort.  When presented with wise, but difficult-to-implement parenting advice, through blogs, I quickly dismissed much of it as being too strict or too stiff.  I wanted to be more loving and lighthearted in my approaches, and not expect robots for children.

In actuality, I just didn't want to put forth that much effort.  My laziness and my pride prevailed.

I repent Lord.  Thank you for handing me that platter today!

Here are my parenting failings...my sins:

- not spending enough quality time with my children (I'm a person who needs alone time, but I was taking it at the wrong times)

- anger

- offering praise only when I was in a good mood

- complaining

- nagging

- yelling

- repeating myself

- pursuing a hobby (my writing) at inappropriate times

- going on unnecessary errands just to "get out of the house"

- not expecting first time obedience

- setting too low a standard for behavior

- letting the label of ADHD lower my standards for my son

- not smiling enough

- finding fault with my husband's parenting, and sometimes correcting it, rather than staying quiet and praying about it

- not finding enough fault with my own parenting

By listing them here, I'm acknowledging them before God.  I'm ready to repent, and do the hard work.

If you have time, I highly recommend the Raising Godly Tomatoes website.  Everything is presented like chapters from a book.  Just click on the topics you're interested in.  While you may not agree with everything she says, I think you'll find her wise and helpful.  She was, at one time, right where I'm at.  She freely admits the error of her prior ways.  She humbled herself, and let God do a mighty work in her.