i want to remember

You've heard more than enough about my desire to have babies.  I try to get it out of my mind.  Truly I do.  If you peek at this blog only occasionally, you might not know that my husband put his foot down firmly about more babies.  In the form of a vasectomy.  Last March.

As I talked to my heart earlier today, trying once again to make it accept this life change, Baby Beth's mischievous smile met mine.  She was about to open the pots and pans cupboard and create some ruckus.  I smiled back at her, marveling.

Oh, that smile of hers!  How will I ever survive without it?  Or without baby-soft cheeks to kiss?  Or without sweet baby lips at my breast?  Without a little one to dance with?

Will she nurse until she's 3, allowing Momma to slowly say goodbye to precious times?  Please God, yes?

My heart screams no, at a life sans babies!  I would gladly nurse several times a night for the rest of my life, if it meant my arms could stay full!

But alas, babies grow.  Mommas get old.  Baby pictures get dog-eared, as the only tangible thing left behind to enjoy.

People tell me there are special things about every season with children.  They don't understand, fully, why my heart aches so.  And I don't either.

Why can't I simply embrace today's blessing, and look forward to tomorrow's?  And leave it at that?

But we're talking about babies!  Can anything in life be so precious?

My husband would never adopt a baby, unless God himself came down and personally put the babe in his arms. Babies just aren't his thing, except on the day they are born, and up until they start crying.


Here are some pictures of today's blessings.  For me to look at tomorrow.  I don't mean to be ungrateful, God!  I know I have overflowing blessings, and some don't have any babies at all.

I thank you.

I want to remember the havoc she creates in the kitchen.  I roll my eyes at the clean-up, but with her, I'm always smitten.

My Peter reminds me of my father.  He, too, loves babies.  Peter and I delight in Beth together.

I want to remember what a sweet, fun brother he is.

I want to remember her sugar and spice smiles.  Her, "I love you so very much Mommy."

Her love for little Sis.  And Lil Sis seeming so proud of her big sister.

I want to remember how she perks up over Italian food, staying in her highchair beyond the usual 8 minutes.

I want to remember how much I love baking with and for my babies.

I want to remember how excited they get over their creations.

I want to remember how God blessed me with these two beauties, after it appeared my womb was done.

I want to remember the love, fellowship, and loyalty these two brothers share.

And the noise?  Do I want to remember that?  My heart says yes, because later it will be all too quiet.

I want to remember their batches of applesauce...their excitement over contributing.

Thank you, Father.  My heart is full.