Right Where God Wants You

Pride.

Pride

Pride.

In my non-Christian past, I thought of pride as a mostly positive thing.  It compelled me to fix my flat, lifeless hair with a curling iron....for thirty minutes.  It compelled me to use make up and iron my clothes.  Egad!  Even my jeans.  Yes, I was one of those girls, in days gone by.  I never just pulled on any old thing.

Pride kept me at my best.....personally, professionally.  Always.

You now the funny thing though?

I was so lost then.  
Not outwardly so, but inwardly, very much.  I didn't understand God.  He was in the picture, but I didn't answer to him or know him or draw comfort, strength or wisdom from him.

Lost.  Empty.

As I look back at that twenty-something woman, I remember a shy but mostly confident professional.  A happy, but sometimes lonely, woman.  Strong.  Capable.  Smart.

My old self certainly didn't look or seem broken.

Now for the kicker.  The jaw dropper.

I actually feel, look, and seem more broken now, thirteen years into this Christian thingy.

- My husband is underemployed with an unimpressive resume that keeps getting more unimpressive the longer he remains underemployed.

- One of my kids has a disability that keeps us all on edge 24/7.

- My baby stopped sleeping for all practical purposes, and my six-year-old is revisiting a fear of monsters.

- My husband, as part of the working-poor segment of the population, works a whole lot and is gone a whole lot, all to bring home shockingly low wages.

- His schedule, and the sharing of a vehicle, means we can barely make time to go to a park--still a free activity--with our kids.

- We own a house but I don't know for how much longer.

- My children--the boys especially--are increasingly aware that things aren't going well, and I worry how that knowledge will affect their health, their happiness, and their relationships with God and with us.

- I am increasingly embarrassed and ashamed of our circumstances.  I feel like I'm losing all my dignity.

- I went for several months without contact with my unsaved mother, and now we are occasionally e-mailing.  She is appalled at our circumstances.  And I, for my part, am wondering why God wouldn't want to impress the woman a little more, what with this Christian thingy going on in her daughter's life.  Don't you want her saved, God?  Shouldn't you give her a little hope that being a Christian is maybe a good thing?

- When this whole fiasco started in March, 2009, I went through shock and depression.  But then I remembered that struggling builds character.  And character is a great thing.  A wonderful thing.  I can handle this.  I am strong.  I can build character and be happy about it.

- I. am. so. over. that.

Once upon a time, I was a giddy new Christian.  Peace and joy.  It's all about peace and joy.  I wanted to shout from the rooftops--PEACE AND JOY!  Love God so you can have PEACE AND JOY.

- I. am. so. over. that.


Yes, I do still have peace and joy.  And yes, they are a gift from God.  Definitely not of myself.

But I no longer think the Christian life is about peace and joy, or at least not all the time.

So.  What is it about, then?

Brokenness.  My brokenness.  My husband's brokenness.  Our children's brokenness.

God gives the seasoned Christian clear vision.  Very clear vision.  Of our brokenness....of our utter hopeless state.

You know he's really getting to you, when you feel so broken you just want to run to your heavenly Daddy, and cry at his feet.   


That is right where he wants you.  He created you for His glory, not for your own.  He created you to fellowship with Him.  That is all he wants from you, in the final analysis.

So give it to Him.  And be refreshed.  You'll have that peace and joy thingy going on in no time, girl!  Get up, right now.  Go sit at his feet.

And later, read this really good piece about brokenness.